Do you ever get those days where you just don't want to do anything? Like, you've been in bed all day, scrolling through every social media on your phone and you're just not in the mood for anything? Even when you've checked all your notifications and all, you're just doing it to distract yourself from thinking? Once you've had enough of social media, you just want to turn off your phone and just listening to music. Not even that, but you just want to lie in silence, no music, no texting or anything. You want to think but you know if you let your mind go wild, it'll lead to something depressing or you're just going to over think?
- Yeah, that's me right now. I don't mind having these days. I guess it's just another depression. But sometimes, I hate being left alone. When I'm left alone, every second of the day, all I think about is things I can never change. Sometimes I think back to my lifestyle and my actions, the things I wish I could do things differently; act differently. Sometimes even, I think about my interactions with people and how much they've really fucked me over. I almost feel sorry for myself and actually realize how pathetic and naive I was. Sometimes, I just want to go back and slap some sense into myself or even just let the people know how much they've fucked me over. But what good is that? That's only going to let them know that I'm struggling and giving them that satisfaction that they've ruined apart of me. I don't mind the peace that I get when I'm alone. I don't mind that my phone isn't blowing up with useless conversations or conversations with people who only need me when they're down. But the thing that get to me most is that, I've come to realized how many people are starting to disappear in my life. The people who I used to be so close with only talk to me when they want to know how my life is now or any updates for them. I'm flattered that people want to know about my life - but I realize that the more I tell them, the more shit they will go on telling other people. Like my boring life is yet another part to judge. How do you judge something that isn't even bad?
There's this one problem that always brings me to tears or straight up ruin my mood is that I know what I'm worth to my best friend. I haven't seen him in what? 3-4 weeks now? And I used to miss hanging with him. I used to be the one to ask to hang out. But with the situation of his girlfriend not liking how he hangs with me too much and text me too much or even coming to me for advice - it's made it so difficult to see him or talk to him. I can sit here and name every time he's cut our hangouts short or completely ditched me to see his girlfriend. I don't mind it. I completely understand, but the fact that they see each other every day. They work at the same place. They Skype every night. It's like one second away from each other is the end of the world. It's gotten up to the point where I can't even be bothered to ask to hang out because I know for a fact that if we took photos together on his camera, he'd have to delete it because his girlfriend will find it and give him shit for being with me. It's gotten up to the point where he has to hide me - his best friend; like as if I'm the side chick. She's like what? 20? 21? And she can't let go of the fact that me and him were INTERESTED in each other back in 2010. We never dated or anything. We had interest in each other but we drifted. We stopped talking for awhile and finally, FINALLY, I moved here and we got to finally meet each other for the first time and catch up. She can't let that shit go. I don't care that she gets shitty at me for hanging with him or texting him, but what I do care about is the fact that he's always said he doesn't want to put his relationship before his friendships - that he wants to balance it out. You're doing such a great job aren't you?
We used to text heaps, every time we hang out, we go with the flow and we have such a good time. We laugh til we're in tears and we're just always mucking around. We admit that we've missed each other and having moments like this but, I know how much I'm worth in his life. To be able to hide me from his girlfriend. To ditch me for his girlfriend. Nothing worse than feeling abandoned by your best friend.
I don't know ... I hate these types of nights.
