Trapped

 It's 7 am and I'm currently wide awake. My mind is spiralling and I can't keep it quiet no matter what I do. It's too early to call my best friend so I can unload everything that is keeping me up and everything inside my head is too messy and complicated, my notebook is not big enough for me to write it all down. So this is the only place I can think of, even if it's been long overdue since I've blogged. Who even blogs these days? 

I'm trapped in my own head and what's worse is I'm constantly fighting with myself inside my head. It's like there's a whole bunch of me's, talking over each other, trying to demand my mind on what to do. I've been feeling so mentally drained, more than I could ever thought possible. And it's not even just mentally but emotionally too. Some part of me wants to keep fighting, keep pushing on and grow but another part of me can not conjure up anymore energy or effort and then there's also that part of me that knows I CAN do it, that I CAN get up and care about the things that are going on right now, but...I just can't. The thing about depression is when you're high, you're way up there, pretty much what I'd expect cloud 9 to be like, but...when you're low, it's like there isn't an end to it. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, there's actually more layers underneath, more than you could even count. At times like these, I wish I was a massive gamer, that way I'd distract myself in a virtual world; a world where I could control; somewhere I could escape to. Tv shows work but you know it's bad when it's time to sleep and you shut off your phone or wherever you're watching from, your mind jumps at the opportunity to bombard every single thought it had been patiently waiting to spring onto you. And just like that, you turn back on the show you were watching, just so your mind has something else to focus on. 

With depression, comes anxiety. For most of this week, I had been in bed. I didn't eat, I didn't shower or keep up my daily hygiene. The only times I got up was to go to the bathroom and that alone was a mental struggle. But, I still got up because I couldn't keep blowing off work; not when I have travel plans coming up in the next month. My God, how I wish I was already in Perth. Away from everything and everyone. Just my sister, my brothers, my dad and I enjoying a part of Australia together. Even though I pushed myself to get up for work, anxiety hit me so hard, it LITERALLY took my breath away. I got dressed and my chest was tight, I was gasping for air and my heart felt like it was about to burst, but I still went to work. At work, I was so numb. I was so numb and emotionless and my brain was a dark, thick cloud. Most of the time, I wasn't even focusing. I think I was just on auto pilot. But it was the ride home that got me. As I sat in my uber, I dreaded to come home and I don't even know why. Nothing was wrong (I don't think) at home but I just knew I didn't want to be there. When I got out of the uber, I contemplated to walk to the city, maybe it'll help clear my head, get some more fresh air but it was late and I didn't want to worry my partner and I didn't even feel like I wanted to tell him where I was or what I was doing. Nonetheless, I took a deep breath and dragged my feet up the steps and into the house. I went straight to bed though. 

I have a birthday to go to today and work later tonight and back to the party because it'll most likely go on all day. I'm dreading it. I even told my boyfriend that I'm dreading it and he said it was okay for me not to go but I know what people would think. My recent mental breakdown was one of the worst any of them has seen and since then, I can feel their pity and feel how cautious they are around me. I know they're walking on egg shells around me and to be honest, it's not making me feel any better. Mental illness in this household, they all know it, they all know the symptoms, they all know how difficult it can be but they don't know what it feels like, especially when you've been dealing with it for the past decade. And I don't expect them to understand, I don't expect anything from them, but I do want them to stop pitying me. I know I need professional help and I have been calling around and booking appointments but I don't want to tell them that. Because I can't promise that it'll help and I don't want expectations from them. That'll just put a lot of pressure on me and knowing me? The state that I'm in? I would bail, 100%. I'm not proud of it but at least I'm aware right? 

I just want it to be Sunday because Sunday is the day that I'm hanging out with my best friend and I feel it with my whole chest that it's what I need; to be with her because she's the only one who understands me because she's been going through it herself too. Have you met a pair of best friends where none of them were struggling with mental illness? Me neither. But she's also the only one to comfort me the way that I need to be comforted. Maybe in our past lives, we were partners and in this life we're best friends. I have met a lot of people in my life and I've had best friends who were a big part of who I am today but none of them are like her. I sound like I'm in love with her, like in a "more than a friend" way but I don't swing that way lol. She's just different and I know we were meant to be friends. It's hard to explain but maybe someday I'll blog about how we became friends and you'll understand why I love and cherish her so much. 

I have a lot of unresolved issues and anger, a decade's worth to be exact. To be honest, I think I was deluding myself for a couple of years. It wasn't until a month ago, I was fine, I was happy. Everything was normal and I was content but this month, it's like I was hit by an incredible force of nature that made me not just roll down a hill but fall from the limitless sky, WITHOUT A PARACHUTE OR SAFETY NET. I don't know what happened but it caused a lot of trouble for not just me but the people around me. It's so bad, there's an ongoing distance between me and them that is widening each second. You know what the funny thing is? I would usually stop the growing distance from widening but this time, something in me just snapped and I don't care. As much as I'm hating the fact that I don't care, I simply do not have the energy and that's what's scaring me. Knowing that in an instant, I lost control of my emotions and I unleashed everything to the point that I can barely recognize myself. So, was I really okay in those last couple of years? Was I really lying to myself? This whole time, was I just a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode? Because that's what it feels like...I truly snapped. 

Truly Alone? Part 2

I have no one to talk to about what I'm going through. I do want to have someone to listen but I know that it's not best for me to say anything. I should endure it. When I cry, I cry alone. Pathetic as it seems, I just imagine what it feels like to be comforted, or being hugged just to calm myself. I reminisce for all those moments I took for granted by those who did hold me as I cried.

As much as I hate it, I'm being drawn back to suicide. The thoughts come flowing in and I don't want it to. I've done so well so far without the thought of dying. But these days, again...it's all I think about.

I tried and I'm still trying. But I'm drained.

Truly Alone?

I've been wondering about a lot lately. I've even took a step back to observe my life and how far it has come. Things I went through and things I achieved. As I was in bed on countless nights, just thinking back - way back to where I can still remember, I can help but notice that even as a kid, there was always issues that I had to go through.

I want to start off and tell the part that as a kid, I always knew that the more I grow, the more disattached I will be from the family. When I was young, my sister and I were best friends and we had a cousin who we saw as our 3rd sister. We were very close. But I knew that my sister and my cousin will always be close because they were born on the same year and only a few months apart. I confess, I was jealous just for that reason. At a young age, all the kids were close, but I still felt like an outcast - maybe because I was shy or maybe my sister was just really good at making friends. When I approached primary age, I made friends of my own. I remember going to school only because I was excited to hang out with my friends and just be a kid. At some point, I can't remember when the bullying started but all I remember is everyday, I started to hate going to school everyday just because I know I would have to deal with the bullying and I was tired of it. My friend group grew larger though (it was an all girls group). Apparently we were the popular girls of primary but only I was being bullied from the popular boys group. I know at the age, I probably didn't know I was being constantly bullied and just saw it as boys being boys and nonetheless, I had a sassy mouth at that age, so whatever they had to say, I always shoot back. But I remember using so much of my time, prepping comebacks every night and feeling proud to say mean things to them whenever they picked on me and I remember it draining me because all I wanted was to have fun at school. I remembered thinking. "why me?" ," why aren't the other girls getting bullied too?" Thinking about it now, I don't know if the other girls were being bullied too. Maybe they were but they weren't a smart mouth like me and chose to ignore it hence the more I retaliated, the more it became a routine to pick on me. Maybe my retaliation showed that I was offended and they saw it as weakness.

In grade 6, I was laughed at by my whole class, including my teacher because I broke my pinky toe. It was so bad that I was put on crutches for about like 6-8 weeks. I broke it at home after school whilst playing outside. Half my foot was swollen and my step dad said he'd take me to the hospital the next day if it doesn't stop swelling. I honestly thought I just cracked the air out of a bone in my foot but guess not lol. The next day, I took a day off school to head to the hospital and in my place, my sister informed my class that I wasn't coming due to my toe. The day after the hospital, I rocked up to school with a cast that took up half my leg and struggled to get up the stairs (my class was on the second floor above the music room) When my teacher saw me, she bursted out laughing at the thought of having a whole cast for a broken toe and the class joined in on the laugh. I remember sitting in my seat, watching everyone laugh at me and I still remember telling myself not to cry (because the boy who bullied me the most was in most of my classes all through primary). I remember choking back the lump in my throat and let my hair down to retie it to hide the tears that were bubbling up in my eyes. During the 6-8 weeks, I've had many teachers who told me to hurry up the stairs after an assembly or when the bell rang. I remember wearing long pants all through the duration of the healing process and the bullies made fun of me because I looked like a boy for wearing long pants, even though it was hot every day.

As I approached high school, I noticed that I stopped playing sports all because I wanted to be a part of the "cool kids". I went to a complete different school from my primary school friends who ended up going to the schools that were close to each other. I moved houses so far from them that I went to a school that was about 35 minutes or so from them. I was in a complete new neighbourhood with different people. In high school, I was exposed to things I didn't understand how it made me look just so I could be cool. I started straightening my hair, wearing make up - loads of it, and rolling my skirt up so short and trying to buy branded bags (nike, adidas etc) because I saw the cool girls do it, so I did it. I guess I never grew up when I entered high school because my childish traits from primary made me annoying so I kept quiet. When I was in high school, I did something that I am still ashamed of which I can say where my depression started. After that, another chapter of my life where I was constantly being bullied. I hid behind those who weren't as popular and became friends with them. Everyday was boring. We'd sit at lunch together and not really talk about anything. I stopped showing my interests in some classes because these "friends" wanted us all to take the same classes. Being in that group of friends, I know they were talking behind my back. Sometimes they'd say it to my face because they knew I wouldn't say anything back because I truly had no one in this school to be friends with. I remember one time, one of the girls said I looked like those kids who have down syndrome. At the time, I didn't know what it was or how serious the disability was so I asked what that was. They tried their best to describe it to me and initially, I said "oh, those people who look like aliens?" They took my comment as a very insensitive thing to say or how I viewed them was harsh and they told class mates how mean I was for saying that to the less unfortunate. Being wrapped up in how people saw me after I said that, I completely forgot that these girls literally said I looked like I have down syndrome and that I was pretty ugly with the attempted make up I put on everyday.

While this went on, I ended up changing schools and reunited with people I knew either from primary or from my childhood. Moving to Corinda, was easy for me. I felt normal and comfortable. I didn't feel like the "new girl" because I knew a lot of people and they knew me. Nonetheless, I chose classes that I loved and had friends in each and every single one of them. I even joined the school's dance crew and that was my number 1 priority. My passion for dance never left me because I danced a lot as a kid and continued. Even though it was a new year at a new school, I still had issues. Having a high school crush on a boy and his group of friends bullied me for it because I wasn't good enough or he should be careful because of my rumours from my past relationships. What a small world I live in. I was being toyed with and eventually I found myself in a relationship with someone else. For a long period of time surprisingly. Almost 2 years. Being in that relationship, I learnt a lot from the pain as well as the good times. I was young so I was still learning. Now that I'm older, I guess that's not a reasonable thing to say anymore. I'm older now, I should know what to do and what not to do. In that relationship, I was the outcast of the house. I wasn't liked because of my shyness which they saw of was being rude.

Finishing high school, I had issues with family that I ended up living under people's roofs, moving here and there. Took up the addiction for smoking and constantly cutting. I thought moving down to Melbourne was a good idea and somehow, half of it was. At first, again I was being toyed by a boy and I had no job or friends. I had one friend but he was so caught up on a girl that we only hung out just whenever we felt lonely and some nights, we didn't do anything in the city and I knew he was bored hanging out with me. My girls visited often and I visited Brisbane when I had the chance. However, my life in Melbourne was still hell thanks to my sister's (now ex) boyfriend. He influenced her so badly that we sisters constantly fought and I was being outcasted. Eventually it changed when they both left to go back to brisbane. I felt like the only child. I was happy to be alone but some days, it did made me wish I had someone. Alas, I did meet someone who did make my last half of 2015 better. I loved him so much I then again, moved states to be with him. Unfortunately, mid way through 2016, somethings happened and I ended coming back to Brisbane and stayed.

From that day on, I've been staying in Brisbane and as I age another number, more and more things occur that now I feel like I'm truly alone. At this moment, I'm not socializing with anyone. Not even my girls. I don't talk to anyone. I don't do anything. Everyday, somehow I've being told I'm not good enough or at least that's how I feel. Being drained from giving so much and recieving nothing. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask for? I'm still an outcast in the family, amongst my friends, and even in houses that I know I'm not wanted. Losing hope for 2018.

-

I don't want to jinx it, but I've been mentally "okay". These days, I'm not sad nor am I happy. To be honest, I feel like I've disappeared. I don't talk to my girls as much since they're busy with assessments as well as work. The only time I interact with my sister or mum is when we're coincidentally all outside smoking and when that happens, the only conversations we have is what am I doing with my life or how is the process of centrelink going. As much as I don't want to be on centrelink again, it's an option I have to take in hopes that I have some money to live for the time being. I'm still seeking jobs, and after 3 months of applying to so many places, I'm getting interviews. I'm thankful to God for providing me with opportunities with jobs as I pray desperately every night for more opportunities and strength to be confident and stand out, hoping to land one soon.

I owe a lot of people money and that's a first. The thought of being in debt stresses me out even though they are patient with me and don't rush me to pay them back, I still don't like being a person in debt. It was the one thing I've tried to avoid growing up. Seeing my family members or friends being debt and how much it stressed them out or held them back on spending on the things they want or need, I never wanted that. Argh, but here I am, owing some people big amount of money as well as just below $30. At times like these, I do wish I never quit my job but the same time, I'm glad that I did. Slowly. I am solving each problem I have. Baby steps though. Sometimes I do get impatient and want to move faster, take bigger steps, but patience is key right? I do however, have 1 problem that seems to never get solved or even if I tried, it seems to get worse. I've never heard anyone say that if a problem can't be solved or if there's no  other way to solve it, then it you should let it go and don't bother. I don't know if that's a thing but if it it is, then maybe I'll give up on trying to face it and stop trying to solve it. I heard a lot of "keep trying" or "keep fighting" so I believe it can be solved. But, I'm sort of in the middle of trying to fix it and leaving it.

As for smoking, I did try and quit. I went without it for 2 days and a half which I guess I am proud of myself for doing, but knowing me, I cave in when there's an issue. It's September already and I guess that's putting some pressure since I want to find a job, pay my debts and work on myself before the new year starts. This year hasn't been the best and that's what I said about last year too. I'm still giving life the benefit of the doubt that next year will be good but 2 years in a row already and my life has become better but I've been through so much that I'm really getting tired of. I'm amazed I made it this far but that goes without saying what I went through a few weeks ago, I was actually ready to end it all. The thing about me is, whatever happens and I feel like I'm at my all time low, surprisingly I can go lower and feel more depressed or broken. Just when I thought I can't break anymore, I can lol. And when that happens, in my head I tell myself, "one more trigger and that's it." So in saying this, what I mean is if I'm already having a shit day and all my problems hit me at once, one more person to cause a problem for me then I am out. I'll be joining Carmen and Uncle Ti. A bit sad and pathetic but I guess I should thank my lucky stars because I'm still here.

Difficulties

Being 20 years old now, I struggle with a lot. I've had depression for 8 years now and it's still my ultimate goal to get through it, but as I grow older, it seems more difficult. Especially when you're 20 and there's a lot of pressure being an adult.

The past few years or so, I've had people come and go. Only 2 people stayed in my life and I can not be more thankful. Jennifer and Jasmin are my bestest friends and among our trio, it seems like I'm going through the most. They go through problems and we're all here for each other. But I wish my problems were as easily solved as theirs. I guess if you looked at us, you can tell that I'm the most fucked up one. I suffer from mental illnesses that I don't want to seek professional help with because I want to get through it on my own, just to prove that I'm strong enough and I don't want people looking at me as if I'm crazy and give me their sympathy. I've tried to cut my addiction from smoking but every time I do, a problem will come up, big or small, I panic and end up chain smoking meaning I know my mentally isn't strong enough yet.

Having social anxiety, I guess it's made people misunderstood me. My social anxiety has gotten me into trouble that I never intended to cause. I wish I could open myself up to clear the misunderstandings but the difficulty is that I'm always going to think that they think I'm making excuses for my actions. I used to think when I was 13-18 years old, everything that I have gone through was not normal for an average teenager. Now that I've hit the big two-zero, everything that has happened so far, I still feel like it's not normal. Of course, it is okay to be going through a lot at my age, but I'm only human. There is so much I can take and only so much I can give. If I think about it now, throughout my whole life, I don't recall the last time I was truly happy. Because after every happiness followed betrayal, pain, suffocation, tears, heart breaks and so much more. I've had temporary happiness but the last time I'm with my girls, sure they make me happy and we always enjoy a good day out together but at the end of the day, I come home feeling lonely. Sometimes, when they're laughing their butts off at something, I just don't laugh. Sometimes, I force a laugh but other times, I just give them their moment. I wish I could laugh so hard til I'm at the verge of crying, or my stomach started hurting. But I don't laugh like that anymore. It's kinda sad to be honest.

It's easy to tell me to get up and do something about it. Go out there and find what makes me happy. Go out there and do what makes me happy. Go out there and get my life together. No use sitting around moping. And I know. I know I can do it, but what can I do. Even if I find something, make my life better, isn't it all a distraction? I've pushed hard to think positive. To try and get my life together but it all seems like it's not good enough. I wish I could blog about something happy. Something normal.

Rock Bottom

Recently, a few days ago if not a few weeks ago, I faced challenges. Challenges that I had never faced before, and it was so difficult.

20th of June 2017, I did something that I will not say here. But because of the situation, it felt like (and still does feel like) everyone is against me. What happened with me changed everyone's outlook on me. It came to the point where my own mother was yelling at me for the smallest things. I had problems with my relationship, my life and now my family. Everything came rushing at me all at once. I was under so much pressure and stress but everyone brushed it off like I was over thinking it or overreacting. When it all became too much, I argued with my mum. And it's been the first time in a long time that I retaliated. It got so bad that my own mother told me that she was sick of me and when I heard that I snapped. I yelled back without knowing, saying that maybe I should have died instead of Uncle Ti so her life would be so much easier without me. I don't know if I regret saying that but that's how I felt and how I still feel now.

It all became too much that when I was in the shower, I cried. I cried so much because I had felt like everyone was against me, like the world was against me. I had 3 different arguments that day and fingers were being pointed at me. I cried so much that I initially looked at the shaver and thought to myself that maybe I should just end it all. I know how to disassemble a shaver to get the razors out. I thought maybe I should cut my wrist deep enough and just bleed to death, right here in the shower. But I gave life one more chance. I thought to myself that when I step out of this bathroom and my mum or my sister decides to bring up another argument, I would end my life right in front of them. Of course, they didn't. And I reached out to my dad. I told him everything, from day 1. He had his own way of comforting me and updated me that I was having another baby brother with his new wife. He distracted me with his jokes and it made me laugh. But it also made me cry because I wish I could just hug him. The things he said made me rethink my life and why I shouldn't end it. The thing is, I don't know how long his words will last to keep me strong.

It's been a few days since all that happened. I am waking up and putting myself in a positive mindset and Im more determined to live. I've solved problems that were happening in my life such as jobs and money etc. But somehow, it's still not good enough. I can see that everyone is getting annoyed at me. No one could see that I was putting the effort in to trying to change my life around. Everyone constantly kept putting me down. And it hurts when it's from the people that I thought would support me.

After all that has happened, I regained my faith in God. I pray every night, thanking Him for certain things and ask for strength everyday. Slowly though, I know God is here with me by my side but everyone I love is leaving me. My own family especially... I haven't had a day where I thought of dying, but today I did. I walked home from my boyfriends house as the sun was setting rapidly and I just thought that I don't care what happens to me in the dark. I can feel my anxiety creep up on me but I'm pushing it away. I've heard lectures and insults to how I'm trying to get my life back together and I can say that I'm just numb. Im forcing myself to stay numb... I push away what everyone is saying and bottle up without letting it get to me. I fear that one day soon, Ill snap again. I'll break down again, and that could be the last time I lived...

14th July 2017

In the winter of July, it was a sad day. Today was the funeral of Uncle Ti. 

I thought I have seen it all when I attended my first funeral last year in May. I thought by now that I could be strong today for my mum but as I walked into that empty room, seeing that single casket under the cross in the middle of the room with it half open and I knew by then, I needed to build the courage to see him one last time. 

As I sat and watched his family grieve, crying out how the cruel of life to take him away so soon, so suddenly, I couldn't stop looking at his photo that stood on the table. A smiling face. A face once full of warmth, colour and now, a paled, waxed, lifeless face lay in a tiny casket. 

It was an emotional day. The amount of people who waited at the church was inspiring. Seeing familiar faces and I thought, "what a small world". Through this one person, we were all connected. Childhood friends and even friends that I see at the clubs or went to school with. Uncle Ti, was a man, kind hearted and pure. His presence was calming and he was a funny and understanding person. Always so helpful, respectful and polite. As the photo slideshow along with videos played on the big screen, there was no stopping the tears that came rushing down my face and the painful lump that was in my throat. A man who was playful, who loved everything and everyone, who was gentle and wouldn't hurt a fly, didn't deserve to die so soon and so suddenly.  The day was beautiful, but the occasion was gloomy. No one had an appetite. Everyone forced a smile and gave support to one another with whatever strength they had. 

Uncle Ti, rest in peace. Please continue to watch over us. We all do miss you so very much. My mum acts brave but you and I both know that she's hurting inside. You're the only man who loved her more than anyone I ever known. Even my own father. Without you, she is lost. She saw happiness in you and her life was complete. Now without you, I'm not sure where she is, where her mind is, but for sure, her life is forever different without you. It's all surreal, and it's hard to adapt.  Some of us took you for granted, and I'm sorry because I was one of them. Visit my mum, when you can in her dreams. She needs you ...