Chances

So, there’s an “issue” that came up. This “issue” seems to be bothering a certain group of people (mostly ex’s) and this “issue” is about me and chances. 

Now that seems to be such a big problem, I might as well make a statement on this blog because I know some of you nosy people keep track of what I blog and use it to judge me.

Now, I’ve heard that I have been “selfish and unfair” when it comes to giving people chances. Whether it is one or two. The words “selfish and unfair” seem to be the words that are used to describe me. I heard a few, I guess you could say, rumors on what my ex boyfriend’s and some people who are acquainted with them had to say about me and the amount of chances they gave me compared to the chances I gave them. Something along the lines of,

“Anne was unfair on what she did. I gave her so many chances and when I tried so hard to ask for a second chance, she’d say no. It was a waste of effort to be honest.”

Or

“It was a selfish thing she did, unfair even because you gave her so many chances and she never gave you any.”

Well dear readers, I’m going to take the time out of my life to explain MY POINT OF VIEW on why I’m being “selfish and unfair” with my chances.

When I agreed to date you and be your significant other, that is already the first chance I had given to you; vise versa. This was the chance for us to make each other happy, give this relationship a try and see how we go. We saw each other, we were interested, we took it slow, made it official and off to the honeymoon stage. Yes it was all fun and games until we grew comfortable. Once we were comfortable, arguments occurred, obstacles – big and small appeared out of nowhere and disagreements seemed to be a bigger problem than we’d expect. Throughout the downs, we solved them all. But as time went by, obviously, arguments were more intense, obstacles were harder to get around, and disagreements were made by nearly everything. Despite this, I for one had learnt from them. What to do and what not to do. I don’t know about all of you but remembering the arguments, they were all bought up by you and they were always over the same thing. Regardless how many times we fought over the same stupidly small thing, I never gave up. I held on because at the time, I loved you. Yes, I was angry but never to the point where I wanted to leave. Growing up, I was taught to never break your relationship out of anger because it’d only lead to regret. I knew that if I left out of anger, I would regret it and it’d be a long and painful ride to win you back. However, none of you saw that or even understood that. Countless of times, you all left me out of anger. Yes I remember them all because quite frankly, most of them were either in public or had me cutting over (stupid, I know). The embarrassment and the scars remind me nearly every night. That is why I begged and begged, chased and chased, tried and tried to reason with you in giving me another chance every time you broke it off.

Once you gave me the chances, time and time again, that is when I started to learn. In learning, I meant sacrificing a lot of myself in order for you to love me and never risking the chance of losing you again. I gave up my education, my family by running away from them and arguing with them when all they wanted was to spend time with me or have me stay home for once instead of going to see you, my friends by hardly hanging with them OUTSIDE of school and of course, my self worth. No, you never asked me to give these up but because of all the subjects we argued over, I felt as if I needed to give you 100 percent of my dedication and attention. When I asked for chances, I went out of my way, stayed up all night, waiting for the sun to rise so I can bus it to your place and see you, I bought up memories and talked about my dreams for the both of us, reminded you on how much I love you, how much you mean to me and how much I care for you – even what I would be like without you (which at the time, nothing and lost). I cried and waited patiently outside your door for you to wake up so we could talk. Many times I was at the verge of giving up but still held on. I went on my FUCKING KNEES – even when one of you commanded me to. Stupidly admitting to this, yes I did that because at the time, I was so afraid to lose you. From then on, I completely lost myself trying to satisfy you and be who you wanted me to be.

Now to explain why I never gave any of you chances after the first or second is well, truth is … I realized A LOT of things. Funny enough, I never intended to break up with any of you. I wanted to sit you down and talk to you about it and hoped that it would change a few things and we’d continue to be together. But unfortunately, all of you pushed me over the limit where I couldn’t find any more reason to hold on and work it out or to put effort in for it to be continued. See, the thing is there would be times when you would be gaming (which funny enough, all of you did), I would have nothing to do. Sure I had anime and tv shows but there was a time where I ran out of things to watch – in saying that, I caught up with them all and waiting for the next season release. I took my free time to actually talk to my friends and plan occasions with them. Being away from you sucked, but then again, being with my friends made me realized how much fun I was having and how happy I was. It gave me the chance to reflect on the relationship. I reflected on where I am now, what we’ve been through, and of course, my happiness with you. Unfortunately, I wasn’t happy. Fair enough I was at the start of the relationship but like I said earlier, arguments changed you and the amount of efforts you were putting in for us compared to me. I realized that I had given more to you than you have for me. Sure it wasn’t gifts but logically, I gave you my time, my affection, my appreciation, my support and my attention. You on the hand had stopped most of those things. You all used to be supportive with my depression until it got really bad and you all made it worse. Yelled at me, called me a sook, drama queen, and took the chance to bring up my faults that I had done to you – some how making this all about you and what I have done wrong, leading into an argument.

Yes in the past you complimented me but then, you stopped paying attention to my new clothes or new hairstyle/colour and complimented me with the same line: “You look beautiful/cute babe” or “yeah it suits you babe” WITHOUT taking your eyes off the computer screen or only giving me a half a second glance. Suddenly, you all started to put me down on my personality, how I pronounce things that used to be “cute and unique” to you and now “weird and annoying”. You all judged me on my choice of clothes; that I was showing “too much legs”, the way I laughed and even how I eat. Slowly you all just judged me and put me down; making me feel less confident. From telling you my past and that sometimes the rumors aren’t true; that I am NOT who they say I am and you trusting me – saying you’ll “support” me and at least you know the truth to bringing up my past and using it against me, questioning my every word, losing trust in me FOR NO REASON. Yes, I cheated ONCE, not THREE TIMES. I was 13 at the time and I could say that I didn’t know any better. I was young and foolish – NO I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES. But I proved to you that I was loyal did I not? Of course you wouldn’t notice because I realized that you took me for granted. Breaking up with me over the tiniest thing just to hurt me and know full well that I was going to chase you – giving you the satisfaction for your own ego. When I broke it off this time or you broke it off – I stopped chasing and obviously decided not to give you a chance because,

1. I realized my self worth.

2. I realized you were taking me for granted

3. You realized that I know you were taking me for granted

4. You were afraid to be alone after months and months of affection, attention, support and dedication I gave you

5. You understood what the saying “You never know what you had until it’s gone” meant but never thought it’d happen to you because in your eyes, I was naïve and blind and that I would never leave because I’d always come crawling back.

So in saying this, I never gave you the chances you deserved because I was afraid you’d take me for granted again. I never gave you the chances because I knew my self worth and that I was NOT happy with you. I didn’t leave out of anger, not once. You repeatedly left out of anger because you knew I was going to crawl back anyway – but sadly enough, not this time. This is my side of the story. I hope you’re all thinking twice about judging someone without knowing their point of view/side.

[One last thing. One of you (not going to say who) cheated on me and I gave you a chance to earn my trust – especially when I asked for the truth and you lied to my face. Yet somehow, it was you who didn’t trust me when I never cheated and blindly, I tried so hard to earn your trust for something that couldn’t be helped or you believed in the stupid and ridiculous rumors of your girlfriend. So much for being “supportive and trusting” And to the other one of you – You developed feelings for your “best friend” and told me “not to worry” about her when you had her photo on your laptop and phone – and lock screen, using the excuse that “she was your best friend”. Even when I ratted you out with the lies of where you were and whom you were with AND GAVE YOU THE CHANCE to earn my trust. Thinking of it now, you must have cheated too. So maybe stop being hypocrites and actually open your thick-headed skull, narrow minded brains to who is actually unfair and selfish with the chances here.]

Done.