Being 20 years old now, I struggle with a lot. I've had depression for 8 years now and it's still my ultimate goal to get through it, but as I grow older, it seems more difficult. Especially when you're 20 and there's a lot of pressure being an adult.
The past few years or so, I've had people come and go. Only 2 people stayed in my life and I can not be more thankful. Jennifer and Jasmin are my bestest friends and among our trio, it seems like I'm going through the most. They go through problems and we're all here for each other. But I wish my problems were as easily solved as theirs. I guess if you looked at us, you can tell that I'm the most fucked up one. I suffer from mental illnesses that I don't want to seek professional help with because I want to get through it on my own, just to prove that I'm strong enough and I don't want people looking at me as if I'm crazy and give me their sympathy. I've tried to cut my addiction from smoking but every time I do, a problem will come up, big or small, I panic and end up chain smoking meaning I know my mentally isn't strong enough yet.
Having social anxiety, I guess it's made people misunderstood me. My social anxiety has gotten me into trouble that I never intended to cause. I wish I could open myself up to clear the misunderstandings but the difficulty is that I'm always going to think that they think I'm making excuses for my actions. I used to think when I was 13-18 years old, everything that I have gone through was not normal for an average teenager. Now that I've hit the big two-zero, everything that has happened so far, I still feel like it's not normal. Of course, it is okay to be going through a lot at my age, but I'm only human. There is so much I can take and only so much I can give. If I think about it now, throughout my whole life, I don't recall the last time I was truly happy. Because after every happiness followed betrayal, pain, suffocation, tears, heart breaks and so much more. I've had temporary happiness but the last time I'm with my girls, sure they make me happy and we always enjoy a good day out together but at the end of the day, I come home feeling lonely. Sometimes, when they're laughing their butts off at something, I just don't laugh. Sometimes, I force a laugh but other times, I just give them their moment. I wish I could laugh so hard til I'm at the verge of crying, or my stomach started hurting. But I don't laugh like that anymore. It's kinda sad to be honest.
It's easy to tell me to get up and do something about it. Go out there and find what makes me happy. Go out there and do what makes me happy. Go out there and get my life together. No use sitting around moping. And I know. I know I can do it, but what can I do. Even if I find something, make my life better, isn't it all a distraction? I've pushed hard to think positive. To try and get my life together but it all seems like it's not good enough. I wish I could blog about something happy. Something normal.
