Realized.

I realized something awhile back, but I never really thought much into it. But I guess I gave it some thought and it made me feel like it didn't matter if my relationship ended.

For my last relationship, I had cheated and I regretted it. I was only lucky enough that he had given me another chance to prove how much I regretted. I spent the next few months, taking 2 buses after school from Springfield to Forest Lake to see him for only 2 hours, then take another 2 bus and walk back home. On Saturdays, I would wake up early and spend the entire day with him, from 9 til 5 pm. On Thursdays I would spend my afternoon with him til 10pm. But having to repeat that for a few months, I realized that I was only trying so hard to prove to someone that they can trust me again. I went out of my way to do so. And at times when there were arguments, I was the one to go chasing after them even though I was blinded by the thought of being lonely to see that they did this to take advantage of feeling the satisfaction of being wanted. So once I had moved to Year 11, I thought enough was enough and for once I didn't go chasing after him when he ended it with me.

I had a guy that I liked during year 11 and once, he had told me that he's heard rumors of me and people telling him not to fall for me because of my past. He had his doubts and second thoughts but I found myself trying to prove to him that he can trust me despite my past. But a complication occurred and once again, I was the bad one. I was being used, indirectly, and he had portrayed my image that I took a while to hide away from people, back up again. And then, my ex relationship then also had made me look even worse when he had told people we were seeing each other when I had never agreed to. And so once again, I was back to square 1. Trying hide who I once were back then and try to prove to everyone that I'm not who I used to be and at times, when I try to change, people over look that and still try to find the old me to judge.

Now my current relationship. A relationship where I believe that I'm the only one looking forward and he's clinging onto MY past. Not trusting me even though I should be the one not trusting him. But I stopped complaining and foolishly repeated myself. Ended up trying to prove that I was a different person. Trying to prove that I had learnt my mistakes and understood what it was like to be the other person. However, I had realized. Realized that I end up trying to PROVE myself. And that is the ONLY reason I try. I wasn't trying to make any relationship work. I was only trying to prove myself, trying to prove to them that I can be trusted again. But they never saw that. When arguments occurred, they said they were trying too. But I didn't realized at the time that what they're trying for was completely different to my reason of trying. And no wonder I have been so sick and tired all the time of trying.

I gave a lot thought into it this when I realized. I wanted to stop trying. I didn't want to try. I wanted to stop trying to prove to them that my past is my past, and I have learnt from my mistakes, and I know my consequences if I were to repeat my mistakes again. I wanted them to understand this but they wouldn't if I were to confront them about it. They'd only see it as a foolish thought. They'd see it as a dramatic phrase. And I know that they won't understand because well, I was never the type to cling onto their past and use it for arguments, knowing that I can't do anything about it but still wanting to break their hearts and cause them to try harder. They'd never understand this. That is why, I'm not going to try.

Unloyal, No Commitments

People who doesn't take relationships seriously..

Now don't get me wrong but I was once one of those people who cheated in a relationship, but I was 13..I didn't know any better. But people who are older than me..people who are 17 and above obviously don't know any better themselves, but that's the thing...they should know because it's a mature thing, it's common sense.

-Just to put it out there, no names shall be mentioned in this particular blog- 

Okay, so I recently met this friend who goes to university. I knew this friend through a one of my very close friend, in fact this close friend is like family to me. Anyway, so after meeting this new friend, I thought that she was sweet and very funny. I took her in as one of my girl friends. After meeting her boyfriend and her group of friends, I thought, "well hey, new friends, more friends :)" Although I hardly knew her group of friends let alone herself, we still all got along very well. As time went by, my very close friend and my new friend were very close and I couldn't blame or judged them for being so close because they both go to the same university and at least 3 of their classes was the same. At parties they would hang together, take photos and what not but she was still close to her boyfriend. Every Friday night til Sunday morning was drinking night. We'd drink at my very close friends house, my boyfriends house, another close friend of mine's house or the new friend's house. It was usually drinks and chills, deep and meaningful conversations with music.

One night, we had a drinking night at one of my close friends house. The new friend had came over and that night was our first DNM. My close friend passed out early, I guess he had a lot to drink. He passed out on the couch outside and so all of us were in his room. We were talking and my boyfriend had told me that the new friend hooked up with my close friend and they went 2nd base. I was shocked of course because I remember a few days before all that had happened, I was just saying that my close friend would not do that and that he knew better BUT obviously I thought wrong, so yeah I was very disappointed. So after talking about what she was going to do, she had said since she was going to see her boyfriend the next day, she'd tell him but she was scared to. In the end, she never told her boyfriend. Which kind of sickened me because now their relationship is based on a lie, and is at high risk that it wouldn't work. I then find out TODAY, that she had also hooked up with my OTHER close friend. And the thing was that she had lead both my friend's on AND cheating on her boyfriend of 2-3 months? He is so sweet and it is so unfair to him. Yesterday we had a drink up at the OTHER close friend of mine's house and originally the new friend was meant to come over after work, but she had told us she couldn't because she was arguing with her boyfriend so we asked if she wanted us to bring the party to her house. She said no BUT it was the type of No that was like "No but seriously yes, come over" I then read her "argument" with her boyfriend because she told me how harsh he was to her and honestly, he was not being harsh. He was simply being honest on how he feels about her hanging out with us more than him. And he's cautious and scared that she's hanging with my close friend more than him when he's her boyfriend. She had portrayed her misunderstanding conversation to be an argument to us. She had also said that we're coming over even though she said no, to portray us as being ruse and disrespectful people. In the end he went to bed and we sat and chilled.

All of a sudden everyone had decided to go back to my other close friends house, where it was usually held and it was already 2 o'clock in the morning. I was dead tired but I maintained to stay awake. It was cold, she lived far away from where we all lived, I was tired, I was angry at the fact that I was tired and it was cold, I was also angry at the fact that she had lied to her boyfriend and made him think of me and my friends as people that should not be trusted. So off we went all the way back from fucking Sunnybank to Inala. That's like a 1 hour drive. So I was tried, angry, cold and needed to pee real bad.
Once we arrived, I didn't stay awake for long. I wouldn't say I fell asleep but I was like closing my eyes but I could still hear conversations and what not going on without me. I did however asked Henry if we could go to the other room so we could sleep because 1. I was tired and 2. it wasn't like he was socializing anyways. He was on his phone playing games the entire time from 7:00 pm when it started til around 4 or 5 am when it had stopped. But he didn't want to, so I just fell asleep next to his lap. I then did drifted to unconsciousness but I woke up realizing that the talking had stopped so I thought I could sleep in the spare room next door which however had been cleaned and tidied for me and Henry in the fucking first place. So when I awoke I asked can we go to the spare room now to Henry and he told me "in a minute" because my close friend and my new friend were having a serious conversation in there. I got a little pissed but I said "okay" and went back to closing my eyes and waiting to be awaken by the sound of the door opening to tell me we can have the room now. Apart of me knew that they're not giving up the room and the other part of me doubted they were having a "serious" talk. So because of how I was thinking and feeling, I was literally getting angrier and angrier. My chest was about to explode and all I wanted to do was get up, open the door and just tell them to get the fuck out because I couldn't sleep in my other close friend's room. He was snoring like a motherfucker and I was literally annoyed with that as well.

I then fell into a sleep and I didn't even know. I woke what seemed to be a long time and went to go pee, and I asked Henry, "can we go sleep in the other room now" and he said that I can but I would have to sleep with my new friend and I didn't want to. I wanted to sleep with him, I wanted to just fall asleep with him. And with the influence of alcohol, I broke into tears because I couldn't sleep in the spare room. Henry said he'll go talk to our close friend while I go pee. I went to the toilet, came out and Henry had told me that my new friend was knocked out on the bed and they couldn't move her. I was absolutely pissed. I wanted to burst into tears but then at the same time I wanted to punch something. So then I said " You know what? Let's go home" Off we went at like fucking 5 o'clock in the morning. In the car, I told Henry I was done. I was done with my new friend and my close friend. I was done with their shit. Henry had told me that my close friend wanted to break it off with my new friend because she was in a relationship and what they have was never going to work because she had made out with my other close friend. As we backed out of the driveway, I said that you can't just fall asleep after having a serious talk with someone. You must have done something and labelled it as "this would be the last time we do blah blah blah" and then fell asleep. Because if you were to have a serious talk, and were done with it, you would get up, get out of the room and resume on the drinking etc etc. NO, obviously they didn't do that. When we got home I told Henry that my new friend needed to make up her fucking mind on who she wants to be with. I told him that she needed to cut all ties with all 3 guys and figure out who she wants, because it was unfair to every single one of them. We were then talking and I broke into tears. I just broke down because of the amount of shit I was getting from my close friends and the amount of people walking all over me like I wasn't a human with feelings. I told him how most of the parties we go to, people always purposely pass out so they can take the bed when we had already said that it was ours. And the fact that they know I can't do anything because I hate being mean, they take it to their advantage. I was sick of that because not only am I being treated like shit, it's making me feel like shit and I didn't want that because I have enough of the because of my sister. I broke down and he told me that it was okay, comforting me and just cuddling me in his arms.

We fell asleep and I woke up. That's when I was reading Henry's messages with my close friend and they were talking about my new friend and my other close friend. I didn't quite understand until Henry had told me that my new friend had not only hooked up with my close friend, she had also hooked up with my other friend. I was like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT ?!" And from that point on, I can't look at any of them the same way because I honestly thought they all knew better than that. And I am convinced my new friend isn't going to tell her boyfriend, which is what making me angry. And apparently, even her boyfriend is hiding things from her but it seems to me that he had already told her what he was hiding and they talked about it so now they're all goods, but my new friend.....I fucking doubt she'd ever tell her boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprise if they don't last as long. And I also wouldn't be surprised if he hated her.