Realized.

I realized something awhile back, but I never really thought much into it. But I guess I gave it some thought and it made me feel like it didn't matter if my relationship ended.

For my last relationship, I had cheated and I regretted it. I was only lucky enough that he had given me another chance to prove how much I regretted. I spent the next few months, taking 2 buses after school from Springfield to Forest Lake to see him for only 2 hours, then take another 2 bus and walk back home. On Saturdays, I would wake up early and spend the entire day with him, from 9 til 5 pm. On Thursdays I would spend my afternoon with him til 10pm. But having to repeat that for a few months, I realized that I was only trying so hard to prove to someone that they can trust me again. I went out of my way to do so. And at times when there were arguments, I was the one to go chasing after them even though I was blinded by the thought of being lonely to see that they did this to take advantage of feeling the satisfaction of being wanted. So once I had moved to Year 11, I thought enough was enough and for once I didn't go chasing after him when he ended it with me.

I had a guy that I liked during year 11 and once, he had told me that he's heard rumors of me and people telling him not to fall for me because of my past. He had his doubts and second thoughts but I found myself trying to prove to him that he can trust me despite my past. But a complication occurred and once again, I was the bad one. I was being used, indirectly, and he had portrayed my image that I took a while to hide away from people, back up again. And then, my ex relationship then also had made me look even worse when he had told people we were seeing each other when I had never agreed to. And so once again, I was back to square 1. Trying hide who I once were back then and try to prove to everyone that I'm not who I used to be and at times, when I try to change, people over look that and still try to find the old me to judge.

Now my current relationship. A relationship where I believe that I'm the only one looking forward and he's clinging onto MY past. Not trusting me even though I should be the one not trusting him. But I stopped complaining and foolishly repeated myself. Ended up trying to prove that I was a different person. Trying to prove that I had learnt my mistakes and understood what it was like to be the other person. However, I had realized. Realized that I end up trying to PROVE myself. And that is the ONLY reason I try. I wasn't trying to make any relationship work. I was only trying to prove myself, trying to prove to them that I can be trusted again. But they never saw that. When arguments occurred, they said they were trying too. But I didn't realized at the time that what they're trying for was completely different to my reason of trying. And no wonder I have been so sick and tired all the time of trying.

I gave a lot thought into it this when I realized. I wanted to stop trying. I didn't want to try. I wanted to stop trying to prove to them that my past is my past, and I have learnt from my mistakes, and I know my consequences if I were to repeat my mistakes again. I wanted them to understand this but they wouldn't if I were to confront them about it. They'd only see it as a foolish thought. They'd see it as a dramatic phrase. And I know that they won't understand because well, I was never the type to cling onto their past and use it for arguments, knowing that I can't do anything about it but still wanting to break their hearts and cause them to try harder. They'd never understand this. That is why, I'm not going to try.