The reason for my parents was because this one night, roughly a week before Christmas, my sister and I had a dnm (deep and meaningful) conversation. I asked her how were things down in Melbourne and how was the house going? Has she decided what school to go to and what was it like etc. She told me that my dad was working really hard on the house and so was my mum so they don't have time to take her around to schools and she was thinking about Tafe. Eventually, she asked me when I was coming to visit and I told her February 10th. 3 days after my birthday. I was sure 3 days was enough for me to recover from my own 18th lol. Then she went into a full paragraph, asking me to move down because of my parents. She told me that they're already stressing and worried enough about the house and their work, and having one of their daughter up in Brisbane, with no job and no place to actually live is not what they needed. I told her that originally I was planning to work all of this year, save money and then go to Tafe the year after. If nothing worked out then I would move down there. She then asked, what if things doesn't work out? My dad was working on the rooms, and every time that he does, he thinks of me. He was contemplating on if he should even make a room for me, so my sister said. She told me that he's already wasting so much money on the house and having a room for me could be a waste because I won't be there much. I told her that I would think about it and then she told me this:
"I know you don't wan to leave everyone but seriously think about the future. Where are you going to live? You can't live at a friends house forever. Some friends would say that they'll always have your back and help you out but why weren't they there for the times you felt alone? At the end of the day, not every single one of your friend will raise their hand and help you. But down here you have mum dad and everyone"
After she said that, it really hit me. True that there were people who I turned to when I was alone but they didn't do anything. So what were the chances of them being there if I needed a place to stay? I wasn't planning to stay at my best friend, Josh's place forever. He needed to work as much as I needed to. He could easily get a job by helping his dad but his dad is all the way in WA. He only stayed back because he couldn't leave me here on my own. I didn't want to be in the way of him earning his own money and helping out his old man. I did stay at my other best friend's place, Jennifer. But her parents only gave me a month. Her parents aren't very supportive, neither were they very nice. Not trying to be rude. Surely I know there would be a few friends that would lend me a place to stay but I couldn't stay there forever. I don't want to be a burden to them. So after she had said that, I told her I would think about it and let her know before the end of December. It honestly just took a day for me to decide. It would've taken longer if she hadn't had said that. So whilst in my shower, I thought about it. I thought about it for ages and ages. She was right. I didn't want to leave everything and everyone behind, but I thought about my parents. All my life, I've been selfish and greedy. Never thought about my mums feelings when I rebelled. Never thought of her happiness, her health or anything. All I focused on was what I wanted and I did anything that I could to get what I wanted. Childish really. I thought about how the days back then, all I could think about was having the family back together. How happy and normal it would've been, even if it was with my step dad. When my real dad and my mum got back together, I saw how committed they were to each other. Every few weeks in a month, my mum would go down to Melbourne just to be with my dad. Seeing them so happy on my graduation week, I saw that all they want was to be a family again. Who was I to take that away from them? For once, I want to stop being selfish and do something for them. Finally think about them and what they want. Give them what they wanted and that was to bring the "original" family back after what, 13 years? So that was half of my decision. The other half was for myself.
I say for myself because after the break up, I finally saw who my real friends were. Who my "family" were. Even after graduation. After the break up, people assumed, jumped to conclusions and talked a lot of shit. About me. I was portrayed as the bad one, again. I realized that no matter what I did, I was always going to be the bad one, in the relationship and to the world. I know my past was shit and I made a lot of mistakes. My reputation was pretty much shit overall. Only the close REAL friends could see and understand what I've been through and what I'm really like. People said I was a "slut", a "twelvie", a "stupid kid", "ugly" and "unloyal". They only said all those things because of what they heard what I did in the PAST. I remember after being told this, I decided to change. Show them that I've changed. No matter what it took. Even if it meant showing off how much I loved my boyfriend on social media with cheesy paragraphs and photos. I tried blending in with different age groups and hung out with a lot of them. I became an outgoing and spontaneous person. Talking to people who I didn't know but I thought that this way, they'd get to know the real me. Make them think otherwise of what they heard about me. Make them see with their own eyes that I changed and make them realize that I made a lot of mistakes. That I was very young and very foolish then. Everyone got to know me. They wanted me around and turned to me, trusted me with their problems. I was there for them, no matter what it was. Even if it was the same shit. Even if they never listened to my advice. I gave them my attention, my time and comfort. But one slip up (the break up), all of a sudden, all those people just ignored all these facts and blamed my past for my actions. The one thing that hurt most was that all of Henry's friends who I turned to, saw that I was suffering and hurting in the relationship. They saw that I couldn't take it much longer but I held my ground. I fought through it all, and they helped me. But when I was the who broke it off, all of a sudden, I was just a bitch for "playing" with Henry's heart. All of a sudden, I was the slut who was "unloyal". All because I couldn't handle it anymore. Everyone turned their backs on me. Not one came to me and asked me for my side of the story. So once I realized and saw this, I couldn't be here. I didn't want to be here. If Brisbane people were going to be like this, I don't any part of it. I don't need anymore shit from fake friends. Yes, there are friends out there who thought otherwise and I'm very grateful for them but no matter what they said to stick up for me, society will always find the negative and exaggerate them. Filling everyone's thoughts with hate. So, I'm moving to Melbourne to start anew and hoping that everything will change. Hoping the people I meet will be different to the people I know here.
I admit I'll miss Brisbane and those who were close to me but if I stayed any longer, I'd just become a victim of depression. Not like I am already but to the point where I'll be the next one to commit suicide. I've came close before, believe me, it isn't a good feeling having all these negativity take over you. So to be safe, I'm hoping that moving to Melbourne would make it easier for me. Even if it's just a little.
Will keep you updated when I move to Melbourne :)
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