With this reality, I've had time to reflect this year.
2015, has been one hell of a year for me. A lot of things happened and thinking about it, only feels like they happened a few days ago. When 2015 started, it was hell for me. I hated where I was, where I stood, and everything that happened to me. I was convince that the year would already get worse. I made an irrational move to Melbourne. I sort of regretted it but at the same time I didn't. Melbourne is where I was born but it didn't feel like "home" to me. It was easy getting used to and til this day, I haven't explored much outside of the city or the west side where I live.
Being alone in Melbourne made me realize a lot of my stupid choices I made. I was so fed up with being alone that I accepted I was going to be alone forever haha. I was heart broken, I spent most of my days doing nothing, spent all night thinking, and just tried to find someone to love and it didn't even matter who. Until they fucked me over lol. I was emotionally wrecked. I spent so much time by myself that I was on the verge of insanity. Let me tell you something, giving yourself a lot of time alone makes you think of things that instantly makes you regret it. I was putting myself down so much and I have never wanted to change back time so bad. Now I find myself hating a lot of people for either taking my kindness for granted, used my kindness as a weakness, used my loneliness for a chance to dig out information to spread rumours, used my depression as an excuse for drama and using me for whenever they needed me but left me hanging and toying with my feelings. I hated this year, up to the point when I had friends come down to visit, I felt like staying home and wished they weren't here.
But things got better. Towards the last half of the year, Brenton, my current boyfriend made it seem like they weren't problems anymore. When I met him, I honestly thought he was another guy who's going to fuck me over so I didn't put effort in talking to him or anything. However, one night I couldn't sleep and I found myself dialling his number. His company was soothing and he wasn't so bad as a friend. The thing that made me realize that he was different was 1. He was my fan boy HAHAHA as he admitted one day. 2. After hearing about my life, from the beginning when my depression started, he listened all the way through and to my surprise, he broke down. He cried so hard that I could hear him gasping for air. I honestly didn't know what to do. Day by day, he was the only thing I looked forward to. He made me look forward to the next day. Little by little I developed feelings and I never wanted to accept them but as my visit to Brisbane the 2nd time, I found myself one night, wishing so bad that he was there with me. And that's when I let those feelings in and I don't regret it.
So 2015 has been hectic. I've learnt to express my anger and cut loose of all those who hurt me and betrayed/used me. I'm still in progress of working on myself and that's been my focus ever since Brenton. However, the down part is, when I express my anger, they are all from holding it in for so long because I was too nice to yell at someone or confront someone. So releasing all the anger I held in never gave me the satisfaction because there are some people I want to just message and tell them how fucked I am because of them but I can't do that lol. Stirring something up for no reason, especially something that happened long ago and I don't want them to know that they ruined my life. I have been really sensitive now and it frustrates me because I used to be considered a strong person. I have my break downs here and there. Also for the first time, I had my first anxiety attack. And by first, I mean, it was intense. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I was shaking, twitching and basically insane haha.
2016, please be a good year x
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