So Much Tears Were Shed

Last night, I cried so much and my heart ached so bad that I could feel how much it was stopping me from breathing Henry and I had an argument. I was feeling depressed and was at the urge of breaking down in the middle of my way home. I told him that I needed comfort but he said he had something important to do. In my last blog, I said that when I'm at this point, I say stupid things and the negativity just takes over me.

Eventually, we had this massive argument and when got home, I just laid in bed, cried and cried and eventually fell asleep. I woke up and only to find Lan text me if I was okay. But I was no mood to be telling. I just wanted to shut every one who were Henry's friends. I just wanted to shut everyone out. I wanted to be alone. Of course I was to crawl back and then we had broken into another argument. All I said was the complete truth of how I felt and what was going inside my mind. I had forgotten what would've happened when I opened up to him. He raged at me, and just left the conversation on a bad note. He said hurtful things to me before he left and all I could was defend myself and tell him what he always does. I then tell Lan and for once he disagreed with me. This I wasn't mad about but the fact that he wasn't alive when I had that break down so he didn't know how close I was to having that same break down earlier on my way home. He also said hurtful things and I was at this point where I thought "You know what? Why do I bother with these people?" So I told him that the next time I was hurt again, it was going to be over. He lectured me why and how I was over reacting but I know I wasn't. Boys. They can just never understand you. I was a fool to even think they could.

So after Lan's hurtful words, I broke down. I absolutely just cried and cried. People were talking to me on Twitter and Facebook but I replied with the fact that I was fine. As if nothing was going on. That made me cry even more. The fact that I now know how painful it is to pretend nothing is going on. Eventually I messaged him and said Goodnight etc. The usual routine. I later found his necklace he gave me which was hidden in my bear's hood. I was watching a movie and the way this couple was so happy, it made me happy with Henry. I fell asleep and only to wake up with hurtful replies from Henry. He said I was simply annoying. I just ignored it and simply replied with my usual Goodmorning routine. But then he just told me to shut up ... and I said I understand...

This has to be the most painful moment of my life. I just got home home from school and from time to time, people would mention Henry and I act like we're going well and that everything was normal. I could feel my heart being stabbed whenever I act as if what he said this morning wasn't a problem to me...
Truth is, that it killed me inside. Bit by bit today. And it still is...

Just A Girl With So Much Pain To Handle

Why is it that whenever I'm happy and actually loving how my life is going, it always tend to crash and burn right after? With all the smiles and happy vibes all around me, good times at school with friends and perfect phone calls with him.

This week has been going so perfect for me. I can not say how much fun I've had with friends at school. I would wake up keen to go to school and didn't even matter if it was just lunch that we could all be together and do random shit because I had other friends too. Eventually, all that ends as soon as I get the taste to just be happy and be positive, enjoying life. I feel lonely and empty and all I want to do is to just cry. Break down no matter where I am. All I want is to be comforted by him but there are too many other important things he rather did than to just come by and lend me his shoulder to cry on. Not once has he been there when I was at the urge of break down. Not once. I'm never trusting another guy who says that they'll be there at my lowest or will always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I know that not all guys are the same but I'd rather start to stop believing in everything they said and in the end, gets blown off as if they never said. One thing for sure was that I could talk. One thing I trust is that when a guy says they'll be there for me if I ever needed to talk.

Every time this happens, he always turn the table and make me the bad one. When I'm at the urge of break down, I need comfort from him asap before I start thinking negative and say the most stupid things. But no, I must be the bad one. I must be the one who hurt him and be the one to be crawling back, apologizing for something I didn't even do. I'm at the point where I can finally see that I don't need him. That I can't trust his words. That he doesn't deserve a single ounce of my effort that I put in every morning, during the day, at random times of the night. He doesn't deserve the paragraphs that I spend hours typing, telling him how "happy" he makes me feel and how grateful I am to have him in my life. He doesn't deserve my effort. It has come to the point where I'm used to being pushed away. Where I'm used to being ignored. Where I'm used to be the bad guy. Where I'm used to having to apologizing and taking the blame. Where my situation is being forgotten because who cares about me right? It's just Anne. She can handle all the pain you could ever give her, it's okay, go ahead and hurt her.

I can't wait til the day where I can look at him and feel completely nothing.