Why is it that whenever I'm happy and actually loving how my life is going, it always tend to crash and burn right after? With all the smiles and happy vibes all around me, good times at school with friends and perfect phone calls with him.
This week has been going so perfect for me. I can not say how much fun I've had with friends at school. I would wake up keen to go to school and didn't even matter if it was just lunch that we could all be together and do random shit because I had other friends too. Eventually, all that ends as soon as I get the taste to just be happy and be positive, enjoying life. I feel lonely and empty and all I want to do is to just cry. Break down no matter where I am. All I want is to be comforted by him but there are too many other important things he rather did than to just come by and lend me his shoulder to cry on. Not once has he been there when I was at the urge of break down. Not once. I'm never trusting another guy who says that they'll be there at my lowest or will always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I know that not all guys are the same but I'd rather start to stop believing in everything they said and in the end, gets blown off as if they never said. One thing for sure was that I could talk. One thing I trust is that when a guy says they'll be there for me if I ever needed to talk.
Every time this happens, he always turn the table and make me the bad one. When I'm at the urge of break down, I need comfort from him asap before I start thinking negative and say the most stupid things. But no, I must be the bad one. I must be the one who hurt him and be the one to be crawling back, apologizing for something I didn't even do. I'm at the point where I can finally see that I don't need him. That I can't trust his words. That he doesn't deserve a single ounce of my effort that I put in every morning, during the day, at random times of the night. He doesn't deserve the paragraphs that I spend hours typing, telling him how "happy" he makes me feel and how grateful I am to have him in my life. He doesn't deserve my effort. It has come to the point where I'm used to being pushed away. Where I'm used to being ignored. Where I'm used to be the bad guy. Where I'm used to having to apologizing and taking the blame. Where my situation is being forgotten because who cares about me right? It's just Anne. She can handle all the pain you could ever give her, it's okay, go ahead and hurt her.
I can't wait til the day where I can look at him and feel completely nothing.
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