Sorry for Being Who I Am

Why is that when I cry about my problems, or something that breaks my heart, you care for me. You comfort me and you sooth me, making me feel so safe and thankful for having someone like you in my life. But when you're the one responsible for the tears, the pain, all of a sudden, me feeling hurt doesn't matter? Why is it that when you're the one who hurt me, you leave me to cry alone? You told me back then that when I push you away, it hurts you. It kills you. I stopped because I saw how much it hurt you when all you wanted was to hold me and comfort me..Despite my reasons to why I push people away, I grew to learn that sometimes, letting someone in can help with trust issues. Now, here you are, pushing me away when I just want to care for you, and stop the silence between us. You push me away countless times. I told you I didn't want to be in that position where I was going to keep trying and fighting for you. I didn't want to be at that edge of desperation. But you put me there. You left me there. You pushed me away, knowing that I was going to come crawling back and take the blame when you didn't want to admit that you were at the wrong. I told you what he did to me. I told you he kept leaving me over the smallest things, pushing me away because he knew I would go out of my way to come chasing after him, fighting for him, because that satisfied him. You didn't turn to see how much pain I was in. How much tears came flowing down my eyes uncontrollably. Because of that, I became so sensitive. You called me a "big sook" for crying over the smallest things. Well, did it ever occur to you that I didn't used to be this sensitive? Did it ever occur to you that me being the way I am now is because I just can't take it anymore? That I can't handle the pain, that I am just so fucking tired of laughing off something that killed me and making a joke of out of something that tore my heart to pieces. Ever thought that I'm just so fucking tired of smiling when deep inside, I'm screaming, raging, crying with agony. I'm losing my mind because of the unbearable pain that keeps on stabbing me continuously. But I can see how much I mean to you. The whole day, not a single apology came out of your mouth. Not a single fault that you admitted was yours. You have been waiting for me to crawl back and apologize for something YOU did. You're waiting for me to take FULL responsibility for the argument. And because I have decided not to, because you pushed me away when I tried to, you change everything. You change pictures of me that used to be displayed on your phone, your facebook. Just because this one time, I'm not going to pretend and admit your faults. Me selfish? No. The one being selfish is you. The man in the relationship is me. Not you. Because I have given 150%  of everything I have, to show you how much I love you. I tell you every single fucking day. Morning or night. I could even think that not single appreciation is given back.

You could never ever understand the pain I went through when I had to hold back so much tears when all I wanted to was scream and break down. You could NEVER understand that feeling. But what good is it for you to understand? Because all you would do is just turn the tables around and make it all about you.

I Don't Know. Guess I Just Died A Little Inside ...

I've recently discovered that in Combat Arms, Henry apparently has a "girlfriend". I don't believe this but I just don't know why Henry wouldn't tell me. Apparently, some girl from Sydney also plays CA and she changed her game name to "JenniiBrew" -not sure if it's how she spelt it but I'm guessing- because Henry's game name is "HenriiBrew". Everyone in the game thinks that they're dating and instead of denying and saying that he's already taken, he went along with it. It bothered me a little but I tried to get around it. Although it hurt, I try to joke about it here and there because we all know how Henry is if I were to confront my feelings. I later found out that they exchanged Facebook details and you know, added each other.
Now awhile ago, Henry has told me that he has a surprise for me for our 1 year so I would have to wait and apparently Lan and David Trinh knows so I though that they would talk about it over Facebook or text message. I told Henry I was trying to find some clues from his messages with Lan and that but I couldn't find any. He told me that he deletes his messages every now and then so...I don't know if I should be worried...Don't know if I should be assuming things but ... you know, you just can't help it /: So as usual, I "try" to act strong by just joking about it here and there.

A few moments ago, Henry was playing CA and I was watching him. Jokingly, I asked where his side bitch is? He replied casually, "She's sleeping. Duh why else would she not be on?" And at that moment... I died a little inside. I-I don't know...It was like a shooting pain right through my chest...  I joked it off and laughed. I said "You would know. So you do have a bitch on the side" -jokingly- and he said "So what if I do huh? What are you going to do?" -I assume he's saying it as a joke- and I stared at him for a few seconds and said, "I would leave you because you're cheating on me, again. Yes, again bro" -jokingly- Then he said in that joking way, "Oh oh I see how it is" And I laughed it off, again... I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. I sat there, staring at phone and not even paying attention to what was on my screen and thought about that same pain I felt when he first cheated and that desperation feeling of getting him back after he broke up with me out of anger. I felt those pain as if it just happened, and tears just started to appear. I tried to hide it with a yawn but at the same time, it hurt because I had to pretend. I thought about how I never want to be in that position again. I didn't want to ever feel that pain of being cheated on again, the position that I was in when I was fighting and trying so hard to get Henry back when he left me. Admitting that I was in the wrong and apologizing for things I didn't even do.


I thought, sitting there pretending to watch him play, how one day I wasn't going to be able to endure anymore. How I wouldn't be able to laugh it off and joke about it hear and there. It made me insecure because I wasn't the gamer girlfriend that every guy want nowadays. I felt that at this point, I was truly useless. I was so insecure that I just couldn't handle it so I came onto the mattress and decided to bog because I didn't want him to see tears running down my face.
I guess he just doesn't know that when he says things without thinking, it could hurt me so much that I can't even bare to handle it. Even if it's the smallest thing. But how can I help it? I too have been through a lot ... I just don't think I would be able to laugh it off, one day...