Why is that when I cry about my problems, or something that breaks my heart, you care for me. You comfort me and you sooth me, making me feel so safe and thankful for having someone like you in my life. But when you're the one responsible for the tears, the pain, all of a sudden, me feeling hurt doesn't matter? Why is it that when you're the one who hurt me, you leave me to cry alone? You told me back then that when I push you away, it hurts you. It kills you. I stopped because I saw how much it hurt you when all you wanted was to hold me and comfort me..Despite my reasons to why I push people away, I grew to learn that sometimes, letting someone in can help with trust issues. Now, here you are, pushing me away when I just want to care for you, and stop the silence between us. You push me away countless times. I told you I didn't want to be in that position where I was going to keep trying and fighting for you. I didn't want to be at that edge of desperation. But you put me there. You left me there. You pushed me away, knowing that I was going to come crawling back and take the blame when you didn't want to admit that you were at the wrong. I told you what he did to me. I told you he kept leaving me over the smallest things, pushing me away because he knew I would go out of my way to come chasing after him, fighting for him, because that satisfied him. You didn't turn to see how much pain I was in. How much tears came flowing down my eyes uncontrollably. Because of that, I became so sensitive. You called me a "big sook" for crying over the smallest things. Well, did it ever occur to you that I didn't used to be this sensitive? Did it ever occur to you that me being the way I am now is because I just can't take it anymore? That I can't handle the pain, that I am just so fucking tired of laughing off something that killed me and making a joke of out of something that tore my heart to pieces. Ever thought that I'm just so fucking tired of smiling when deep inside, I'm screaming, raging, crying with agony. I'm losing my mind because of the unbearable pain that keeps on stabbing me continuously. But I can see how much I mean to you. The whole day, not a single apology came out of your mouth. Not a single fault that you admitted was yours. You have been waiting for me to crawl back and apologize for something YOU did. You're waiting for me to take FULL responsibility for the argument. And because I have decided not to, because you pushed me away when I tried to, you change everything. You change pictures of me that used to be displayed on your phone, your facebook. Just because this one time, I'm not going to pretend and admit your faults. Me selfish? No. The one being selfish is you. The man in the relationship is me. Not you. Because I have given 150% of everything I have, to show you how much I love you. I tell you every single fucking day. Morning or night. I could even think that not single appreciation is given back.
You could never ever understand the pain I went through when I had to hold back so much tears when all I wanted to was scream and break down. You could NEVER understand that feeling. But what good is it for you to understand? Because all you would do is just turn the tables around and make it all about you.
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