I've recently discovered that in Combat Arms, Henry apparently has a "girlfriend". I don't believe this but I just don't know why Henry wouldn't tell me. Apparently, some girl from Sydney also plays CA and she changed her game name to "JenniiBrew" -not sure if it's how she spelt it but I'm guessing- because Henry's game name is "HenriiBrew". Everyone in the game thinks that they're dating and instead of denying and saying that he's already taken, he went along with it. It bothered me a little but I tried to get around it. Although it hurt, I try to joke about it here and there because we all know how Henry is if I were to confront my feelings. I later found out that they exchanged Facebook details and you know, added each other.
Now awhile ago, Henry has told me that he has a surprise for me for our 1 year so I would have to wait and apparently Lan and David Trinh knows so I though that they would talk about it over Facebook or text message. I told Henry I was trying to find some clues from his messages with Lan and that but I couldn't find any. He told me that he deletes his messages every now and then so...I don't know if I should be worried...Don't know if I should be assuming things but ... you know, you just can't help it /: So as usual, I "try" to act strong by just joking about it here and there.
A few moments ago, Henry was playing CA and I was watching him. Jokingly, I asked where his side bitch is? He replied casually, "She's sleeping. Duh why else would she not be on?" And at that moment... I died a little inside. I-I don't know...It was like a shooting pain right through my chest... I joked it off and laughed. I said "You would know. So you do have a bitch on the side" -jokingly- and he said "So what if I do huh? What are you going to do?" -I assume he's saying it as a joke- and I stared at him for a few seconds and said, "I would leave you because you're cheating on me, again. Yes, again bro" -jokingly- Then he said in that joking way, "Oh oh I see how it is" And I laughed it off, again... I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. I sat there, staring at phone and not even paying attention to what was on my screen and thought about that same pain I felt when he first cheated and that desperation feeling of getting him back after he broke up with me out of anger. I felt those pain as if it just happened, and tears just started to appear. I tried to hide it with a yawn but at the same time, it hurt because I had to pretend. I thought about how I never want to be in that position again. I didn't want to ever feel that pain of being cheated on again, the position that I was in when I was fighting and trying so hard to get Henry back when he left me. Admitting that I was in the wrong and apologizing for things I didn't even do.
I thought, sitting there pretending to watch him play, how one day I wasn't going to be able to endure anymore. How I wouldn't be able to laugh it off and joke about it hear and there. It made me insecure because I wasn't the gamer girlfriend that every guy want nowadays. I felt that at this point, I was truly useless. I was so insecure that I just couldn't handle it so I came onto the mattress and decided to bog because I didn't want him to see tears running down my face.
I guess he just doesn't know that when he says things without thinking, it could hurt me so much that I can't even bare to handle it. Even if it's the smallest thing. But how can I help it? I too have been through a lot ... I just don't think I would be able to laugh it off, one day...
No comments:
Post a Comment