DONE.

- No names will be mentioned - 

I honestly hate myself. Like I can be nothing more than disappointed in myself and the hatred I have for myself when I realized what a fool I've been for the past few days. But even though I know how foolish I am, how stupid I am, how much I know that I'm going to regret, I still manage to give it one more try. Still fucking manage to think about them. Think about all of us.

Yesterday, we were told that he was depressed. We wanted to just chill and we bought slushies. We chilled outside and he decided to join us and he was perfectly fine. Although it was written all over his face that he wasn't okay but we'd let it go cause we know he doesn't want to worry us, We all chilled but it was obvious that my lover and I were being left out on something. They told my lover to go home and they'll play Combat Arms together. Got home and he played for an hour or so. Few minutes later, they were all playing but it was a silent game. Didn't last very long. Friend texts my lover to keep asking him to play together with my lover because he was depressed. We were merely just people that they didn't want to be with.

So another friend knows exactly why this other friend was depressed. He tells me that he doesn't want to worry his friends, but there he was bothering all of us besides myself and my lover. He says he's feeling depressed so let's drink to our other friend. Other friend asks what's wrong. He says, "Nothing. Don't worry about it". HOW CAN PEOPLE JUST DO THAT ?! How can someone just tell another person that they're feeling depressed and when they've got the other person worried, they merely just say, "forget about it". I just can't handle this any more. I can't handle having to be the ones to try and try and we get nothing but, "now is not a good time". It seems as if every single fucking day is a never a good time. My lover and I are merely nothing but outsiders now. Tonight is Riverfire. I don't know how this all go, but I know that I'm going to just explode if something happens. If the same thing happens again, I think I'm going to just burst.

I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind when it comes down to telling how I feel. If they're going to simply use more excuses, then I am done. It's not like I want to break all ties with them but if that's going to be the case then whatever. I don't care if they can't escort me to my formal. I don't care if we've been family for the past year or so, I'm just done. If this is what it means to be family where some of us going to be left out, where our opinions don't matter, then I don't want any part of it. Just done.

Not going to be surprised if this happened. 

1st Week of Holidays: So Much Has Changed

1st week of holidays is almost coming to an end and I haven't been doing much. I've been watching anime...A LOT of anime. Most of the big anime series I've been watching had gone on break. Their producers are planning to continue next year so now, I'm surviving on small, short anime series. I'm not picky but I'm just trying to look for them good love, romance ones, that hit me straight to the feels like Clannad/ Clannad After Story or Kaichou Maid Sama or Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun. There was one thing I did all week was rehearsals for crew. Man, it was so tiring! We haven't practiced so hard so I guess it's only normal that my body aches all over. Mostly my arms, because we spent all day learning more to the choreography, not one choreography but 2 or 3 others. But first, we went through what we learnt and cleaned up every move that needed to have more energy, more extention to it. I guess we didn't do any serious stretching but still, my arms, to my ribs, to my inner thighs and the core of my stomach is the most painful. It's so hard to get up. After trying to use my arms for things and the pain hits, I realize how much I relied on my arms LOL. I can't even stretch my arms up high without this pain that feels like I'm about to be torn.

I don't know. At times like this, I wish I was rich. Like super rich so I can spend most of my time shopping, catching up on trends or what not. I just want to dress up and go somewhere fun. It's hard to hang with the mains now. So much has changed after "she" came into the picture. I don't want to hate. That's the last thing I want to do but nowadays, it feels impossible to have us all together and just chill like old days. It seems that we can never all get together and catch up without "her" having some kind of drama going on in her life. It used to be chill nights til late but now it's chill nights that end at 9 or 10 p.m. Sometimes though...it'd be the 3 of them. It sometimes seem that they do things without inviting the rest of us. I'm not saying that we always have to be together but it's sad that whenever I wanted to chill or do something altogether, they'd have some kind of excuse to not be able to attend or they do attend but still, there's an excuse to why it has to end early. But when it comes to social media, there they are out with this person til late. I don't know how many times I've said I'd never invite them to anywhere I want to go but somehow, I end up suggesting again. It didn't even mattered to them if I told them my true feelings about all this because it'd be nothing but more excuses and comments to stick up for this person.

Thinking about it now actually gets me depressed because so much has changed. I feel like we're all distanced. And it doesn't help when we do catch up on weekends, it's the same thing over and over again and there's nothing to really catch up on. It's the same thing that you'd even know the answer when you ask, "How have you been nowadays?" and some reason, conversations hasn't changed as well. Even though they haven't changed, I can feel that everyone's growing tired of talking about the same thing. I don't know how this is going to keep up, but I know that some time soon, we'd just go from the bestest of friends to just "hi" and "bye" friends.

Too Many Things To Look Forward To

I guess I'll start with this week...BEING THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL haha ! It's Wednesday and tomorrow is the last day. I'm not going on Friday because it's sports day. I would go if my friend's ankle has healed but I doubt since it's still bruised and swollen, so sleeping in it is !! After that, it's term holidays, YAY ^^ There are other things to look forward to as well such as;

1. 16th October is Dance Night
2. 17th October is Market Day at school and my group is doing Toffee Apples :D
3. 18th October is the Neon Run that me and my friends will be doing 
4. 25th October is Aiden's 18th birthday. Honestly, I love him. He's the only one who I really consider my brother. Even though we don't talk 24/7, we still have each other to turn to when we hit rock bottom.
5. 1st November is Remix and crew, oh my gosh, our dance is just amazing and mad ! I can't wait to show everyone our dance that night. I really do hope we'll win
6. 18th November is formal ! <3 Can't wait to strut in with my dress and my girlfriends. My formal date is Johnny. We agreed to be formal partners last year haha so yay ! 
7. 21st November is Graduation. GRADUATION ! 12 years of my life, filled with happiness, sadness, confusion and changes. Definitely going to miss high school.
8. 21st November is also the day that The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay part 1 releases ! My friends and I plan to go after graduation. A celebration part 1 that we've graduated
9. 22nd November is the day that Henry had given me permission to let me hold a girls night at the house, where we drink, eat and chill, little party to celebrate our graduated life part 2.
10. 25th December is obviously Christmas. Can't wait to see what's planned for this day
11. 31st is New Year's Eve and I have a feeling that we'll be drinking til New Year's 
12. Somewhere between October and November, my birth dad will come up and visit me again for formal, graduation and remix
13. 24th January is Henry's 20th birthday. Can't believe he's turning 20 :') 
14. 7th February is my birthday ! I'll be turning 18 :3 Clubbing !
15. 14th February is Valentine's Day. The best day ~  
16. 23rd and 26th are my friend's birthday, so can't wait to see them again after graduation and all
17. March and April are my other 2 friend's brithdays, so can't wait to see what they'll be planning for their 18th
18. Around February though, I'll be visiting my dad, my mum, my sister and her boyfriend in Melbourne. I know around the end of this year, they'll all be leaving to live down in Melbourne, so it'll be hard to say goodbye 
19. Then I'll be doing Tafe :3
20. Hopefully I'll have a job too 

There are so many things to look forward to and thinking about it just get's me all excited :3 Can't wait ~