1 Week Left ?!

I never realized how fast things are going. Just last week my friends and I were talking about how we only have 10 days of school left, not including block exams week. But at the time, 10 days seemed a lot to me but then just yesterday, all the teachers were telling us to start finishing off unfinished works and assessments because we only have a week left. When they put it like that, it blows my mind on how short it is. I just finished my AVL and IDMT that apparently is very important to our education. Now all that's left is my English oral which I will be presenting today and my hospitality assignments which is due this Friday. Then along the way of this week, I'll be finishing off my Maths Prevocational booklet and last Maths Prevocational assignment which is the most easiest thing ever lol. After that, I have nothing else to do but pay my last amount of fees and do some formal shopping. I have my dress already from like months and months ago. It's really simple but yet elegant at the same time :) I'll share photos on the day when the photos will be posted :) I just really need heels and some jewelry. My hair and make up ? My sister will be doing them for me so I don't need to waste so much money to get it professionally done.

But wow...1 more week. Thinking back, so much has happened, so much has changed. Damn, I've been through a lot :'L Well that's just apart of growing up isn't it? Almost 18 as well in like 4 more months :O Oh my goodness haha I'll be wrecked for sure :'L Something to look forward to! Really scared and well, everything is going to hit me all at once and I can't be prepared for it because no matter how hard I try, I won't know how much it'll hurt to part ways and except the fact that I won't be in high school anymore and won't see my lovelies anymore :')

Remix, Graduation ?!

This month has gone so fast. As soon as it hit October, all the teachers literally shoved all these assignments in our faces. Look teachers, we only have 3-4 more weeks left of school, don't try to shove all these assignments in our faces and say it's due in 3-4 weeks and blackmail us that if we don't finish, we won't graduate or go to formal. 

Speaking of 3-4 weeks left, next week is Remix. Remix is also a dance competition between schools but it more laid back. It gives out a more fun and friendly atmosphere rather than judgmental competitive aura. Crew has just finished the whole entire set. All we need to do now is polish, polish, polish. Honestly, it has hit me so many times that this will be my last ever chance to be with my crew family. Even though I've only been in this crew for 2 years, I feel like I've been with them forever. And even though I've been at Corinda for only 2 years, I feel like I've been there forever. The friends that I have? I am so grateful to them. When I was back in Woodcrest, I was stuck with 2 fat bitches that got jealous every time I'd hang with other groups, yet they talk behind my back when I'm with them. They'd think just because I don't sit with them, I hated them. I was honestly trapped in Woodcrest. But the thing is, I love Woodcrest. I loved our rules, our uniform policy but the people there were terrible. If only the friends I made at Corinda could be with me in Woodcrest. Anyways, back to Remix. Every time I think about the moments I'll have making my way to Southbank and meeting up with everyone. Think about the moment we'll be rehearsing all day. Think about us getting ready and then think about the feeling I'll have standing next to the stage, waiting for Corinda to be called on stage. I get excited and I can't believe that it's so soon. But then I think about after we're done. I think about what will happen from then. Then it hits me. It hits me hard that I will never see the people I see every rehearsal again. I won't have another crew that we'll just sit in a circle and have the funniest conversations, and deep conversation. Thinking about every single of my family in crew breaks my heart because I'll never have those moments with them again. And I love them to bits. No matter how much they annoy me sometimes, but I have the most funniest and most amazing times is when I'm with them. It breaks my heart that I won't be dancing as much from now on... I am literally crying right now. 

Same goes with graduation. Soon, so very very soon, I'll graduate and share my last moments with my friends. I know I'll cry for sure on our last day together. I'm crying right now just thinking about it haha. But I love my friends. Despite them sometimes being annoying or frustrating. I couldn't ask for better friends. And I know that some people would say, "Why not just hang with them after high school?" or "You'll see them again cause you'll keep in touch and hang". Yeah, but it won't last forever. Eventually, we, as an individual, we'll have our own lives to think about. We'll meet new friends and our contact with our old friends will eventually stop. We'll all be going from the bestest friends in high school, to just, "hi/bye/how are you" friends once stepped into the real world. Apart of me doesn't want to leave high school, but the other part of me wants to because of obvious reasons. I don't want to do the school work and wake up early but I want to spend more time with my friends. I'm going to miss them so much. My girls, Lily, Quiny, Jennifer and Mikayla. I am so grateful for these girlies of mine. They're the bestest friends I could ever ask for :') And I'm going to miss them so so much, and it hurts to even think about how we'll never play cards at school, our intense games, our dance rehearsals, have classes together and just having the time of our lives together. It hurts to think about it but I need to face reality soon that our contact will be lost no matter how hard we try to keep in contact. I'm looking forward to growing up but at the same time, I just want to stay the way I am with the people I love.  

Them.

Honestly, I don't know how long this is going to last. I don't know how long it's going to take me to stop caring. I don't want to turn bitch towards them. I don't want to cut all ties. I don't want to move into the state where I'm as cold as ice, where I don't give two fucks about what they're doing, I don't want to feel this hatred building up inside of me for them, I don't want to throw them out of my life like they meant nothing at all. But so far, I'm constantly being pushed to that side of me. Being pushed by "her".  I don't know how many times I've asked to come together only to be shut down. I don't know how many tries it's going to take me even when I say I'm done. But it's not like I can help it. I feel like something is missing and not just a little something, but a big something. -LOL cinema ad reference-  I feel like I have more fun with more people than just one person. If it wasn't for this relationship, I wouldn't know what fun was until I'd spend late nights doing nothing but chilling and creating new memories, with conversations that when from casual, to funny to deep and very meaningful. I wouldn't know how to express and love myself with confidence. I wouldn't know what it was like to care so much for only one person. I wouldn't know the strength of a bond between friends. A bond strong enough to call them "Family". And not just referring them as family but actually meaning it and being like one. Supporting each other, caring for one another, joking around with each other, and no matter what, always being there for each other. Even though I say "no matter what", there are times when I just gave up but got back up again because of the family bond we all had for each other. Being with them was my get-away. I didn't have to be compared to, or be judged for being myself. Showing all different sides of me and they'd understand, laugh, loved and supported.

I'd never wanted anyone to be proud of me they way I wanted them to be proud of me. I wanted to let them see me perform on stage, let them see me graduate, let them see me grow from my old self to someone who's mature but still getting there. I wanted them to be proud of me like a family would be of their sibling or child. I want this because I never got the attention I needed from my actual family. I was always being looked down at because my sister was perfection. She was perfection the day she was born, unlike me, I'm still perfecting. I'm lucky enough to have gotten boyfriends who loved me and saw me and chose me over her. But that meant nothing when it came to Asian families. Everyday she perfects and everyday I try to catch up but no matter what I do, I'm always going to be behind her. That's why when I started dating Henry, all of them were my family. Because they never once looked down at me but instead helped me getting on their level. They never made me feel like I needed to be better. They never made me feel like I needed to catch up. But it seems like that's all changed. Nowadays, the only thing their life is revolved around is "her". Every time when they're asked about how they're doing, nothing but "her" or work. I want to so badly tell them everything but I KNOW exactly what they're going to say and what they're going to do. They're going to look at me and tell me things like they would tell a child. They will make it seem like I'm not old enough to understand. They'll make me understand their point of view -which I do- and act as if they understand my point of view. They probably will understand but they'll push it aside to have it their way. I've been enduring and enduring. I don't want to make a reckless move and end up with nothing. They've been using excuses and lies to avoid hangouts. I've been lied to my whole life. I don't need it from any body else. Especially the ones I call my family.