Them.

Honestly, I don't know how long this is going to last. I don't know how long it's going to take me to stop caring. I don't want to turn bitch towards them. I don't want to cut all ties. I don't want to move into the state where I'm as cold as ice, where I don't give two fucks about what they're doing, I don't want to feel this hatred building up inside of me for them, I don't want to throw them out of my life like they meant nothing at all. But so far, I'm constantly being pushed to that side of me. Being pushed by "her".  I don't know how many times I've asked to come together only to be shut down. I don't know how many tries it's going to take me even when I say I'm done. But it's not like I can help it. I feel like something is missing and not just a little something, but a big something. -LOL cinema ad reference-  I feel like I have more fun with more people than just one person. If it wasn't for this relationship, I wouldn't know what fun was until I'd spend late nights doing nothing but chilling and creating new memories, with conversations that when from casual, to funny to deep and very meaningful. I wouldn't know how to express and love myself with confidence. I wouldn't know what it was like to care so much for only one person. I wouldn't know the strength of a bond between friends. A bond strong enough to call them "Family". And not just referring them as family but actually meaning it and being like one. Supporting each other, caring for one another, joking around with each other, and no matter what, always being there for each other. Even though I say "no matter what", there are times when I just gave up but got back up again because of the family bond we all had for each other. Being with them was my get-away. I didn't have to be compared to, or be judged for being myself. Showing all different sides of me and they'd understand, laugh, loved and supported.

I'd never wanted anyone to be proud of me they way I wanted them to be proud of me. I wanted to let them see me perform on stage, let them see me graduate, let them see me grow from my old self to someone who's mature but still getting there. I wanted them to be proud of me like a family would be of their sibling or child. I want this because I never got the attention I needed from my actual family. I was always being looked down at because my sister was perfection. She was perfection the day she was born, unlike me, I'm still perfecting. I'm lucky enough to have gotten boyfriends who loved me and saw me and chose me over her. But that meant nothing when it came to Asian families. Everyday she perfects and everyday I try to catch up but no matter what I do, I'm always going to be behind her. That's why when I started dating Henry, all of them were my family. Because they never once looked down at me but instead helped me getting on their level. They never made me feel like I needed to be better. They never made me feel like I needed to catch up. But it seems like that's all changed. Nowadays, the only thing their life is revolved around is "her". Every time when they're asked about how they're doing, nothing but "her" or work. I want to so badly tell them everything but I KNOW exactly what they're going to say and what they're going to do. They're going to look at me and tell me things like they would tell a child. They will make it seem like I'm not old enough to understand. They'll make me understand their point of view -which I do- and act as if they understand my point of view. They probably will understand but they'll push it aside to have it their way. I've been enduring and enduring. I don't want to make a reckless move and end up with nothing. They've been using excuses and lies to avoid hangouts. I've been lied to my whole life. I don't need it from any body else. Especially the ones I call my family.