A Complete Mess

Lately, I've been in such a mess. I guess it's because of being alone. I've always been alone to be honest. I've been single for about 4 months now? And it's something I'm not used to. I'm so used to having a relationship right after another, so I don't know how to cope. I got lead on and fucked over by 3 guys in the last month or so. And let me tell you, it fucking hurts. I'm in the process of getting over the recent one. It's harder than the last two because I live with this one. He was my best friend. At first we were very back and forth with our feelings. I would develop feelings for him at the wrong time, then he would do the same. So our timing would be very off. Until very recently, we confirmed our feelings and we decided that we'll take it slow. It was going very well. I liked having the feeling of having someone again. We were concerned about what would happen next if I was to move to Melbourne. I know I could commit. It was going to be easy for me because I plan to come back around May for a visit. He could easily come down to Melbourne as well. The only problem was that he wasn't sure he could commit because he never had a long distance relationship before. And the fact that he gets around a lot. I knew how he was but I trusted him because he went to 2 parties without me and came home to me because he didn't want to leave me alone and rather come home and sleep with me. So I was pretty convinced. Until very recently we went to a party together. He invited his bestfriend to come along. I knew how they were. I knew he wanted to get with her before he meant me so we made a promise that night that we wouldn't do anything. I kept my promise. Guys were flirting with me and when they lead to something, I would immediately tell them that I'm seeing this guy. They were happy for me. I even told him that this and that person was leading into something and I told them I had him. It made him pretty happy. When we were together for most of the night, people were asking if I was his girl and he said that I was. I was pretty happy that he said that so I trusted him. I wasn't with him for most of the night. Eventually when the party died, and I had this feeling. He came back from a long time outside with his bestfriend and eventually he told me he hooked up with her for about 2 seconds when they both stopped, realizing that there was me on the side. I kind of knew it was going to happen. I only regret not walking out with him to say good bye to her. I was pretty disappointed and upset so I left. I called up a friend at 4 in the morning and we cruised til 6 am. I've been crying for the last 2 days now and I really wish I could stop. I'm trying to fix myself after getting betrayed, again.

Times like this, I do what I do best and that's to party hard and drink it all away. Which I can't wait to do because it makes me forget easier. Once I'm in that mood, I literally don't give a fuck anymore and it's not even the sad thing. I can't wait to stop feeling the pain and realize that "hey, I'm moving to Melbourne anyways, what am I doing moping around? Make the most of it" So the last few days, I've been a mess and quite frankly, I'm over it. Just going to have fun, party hard and move to Melbourne and start anew like I should be.