Rock Bottom

Recently, a few days ago if not a few weeks ago, I faced challenges. Challenges that I had never faced before, and it was so difficult.

20th of June 2017, I did something that I will not say here. But because of the situation, it felt like (and still does feel like) everyone is against me. What happened with me changed everyone's outlook on me. It came to the point where my own mother was yelling at me for the smallest things. I had problems with my relationship, my life and now my family. Everything came rushing at me all at once. I was under so much pressure and stress but everyone brushed it off like I was over thinking it or overreacting. When it all became too much, I argued with my mum. And it's been the first time in a long time that I retaliated. It got so bad that my own mother told me that she was sick of me and when I heard that I snapped. I yelled back without knowing, saying that maybe I should have died instead of Uncle Ti so her life would be so much easier without me. I don't know if I regret saying that but that's how I felt and how I still feel now.

It all became too much that when I was in the shower, I cried. I cried so much because I had felt like everyone was against me, like the world was against me. I had 3 different arguments that day and fingers were being pointed at me. I cried so much that I initially looked at the shaver and thought to myself that maybe I should just end it all. I know how to disassemble a shaver to get the razors out. I thought maybe I should cut my wrist deep enough and just bleed to death, right here in the shower. But I gave life one more chance. I thought to myself that when I step out of this bathroom and my mum or my sister decides to bring up another argument, I would end my life right in front of them. Of course, they didn't. And I reached out to my dad. I told him everything, from day 1. He had his own way of comforting me and updated me that I was having another baby brother with his new wife. He distracted me with his jokes and it made me laugh. But it also made me cry because I wish I could just hug him. The things he said made me rethink my life and why I shouldn't end it. The thing is, I don't know how long his words will last to keep me strong.

It's been a few days since all that happened. I am waking up and putting myself in a positive mindset and Im more determined to live. I've solved problems that were happening in my life such as jobs and money etc. But somehow, it's still not good enough. I can see that everyone is getting annoyed at me. No one could see that I was putting the effort in to trying to change my life around. Everyone constantly kept putting me down. And it hurts when it's from the people that I thought would support me.

After all that has happened, I regained my faith in God. I pray every night, thanking Him for certain things and ask for strength everyday. Slowly though, I know God is here with me by my side but everyone I love is leaving me. My own family especially... I haven't had a day where I thought of dying, but today I did. I walked home from my boyfriends house as the sun was setting rapidly and I just thought that I don't care what happens to me in the dark. I can feel my anxiety creep up on me but I'm pushing it away. I've heard lectures and insults to how I'm trying to get my life back together and I can say that I'm just numb. Im forcing myself to stay numb... I push away what everyone is saying and bottle up without letting it get to me. I fear that one day soon, Ill snap again. I'll break down again, and that could be the last time I lived...

14th July 2017

In the winter of July, it was a sad day. Today was the funeral of Uncle Ti. 

I thought I have seen it all when I attended my first funeral last year in May. I thought by now that I could be strong today for my mum but as I walked into that empty room, seeing that single casket under the cross in the middle of the room with it half open and I knew by then, I needed to build the courage to see him one last time. 

As I sat and watched his family grieve, crying out how the cruel of life to take him away so soon, so suddenly, I couldn't stop looking at his photo that stood on the table. A smiling face. A face once full of warmth, colour and now, a paled, waxed, lifeless face lay in a tiny casket. 

It was an emotional day. The amount of people who waited at the church was inspiring. Seeing familiar faces and I thought, "what a small world". Through this one person, we were all connected. Childhood friends and even friends that I see at the clubs or went to school with. Uncle Ti, was a man, kind hearted and pure. His presence was calming and he was a funny and understanding person. Always so helpful, respectful and polite. As the photo slideshow along with videos played on the big screen, there was no stopping the tears that came rushing down my face and the painful lump that was in my throat. A man who was playful, who loved everything and everyone, who was gentle and wouldn't hurt a fly, didn't deserve to die so soon and so suddenly.  The day was beautiful, but the occasion was gloomy. No one had an appetite. Everyone forced a smile and gave support to one another with whatever strength they had. 

Uncle Ti, rest in peace. Please continue to watch over us. We all do miss you so very much. My mum acts brave but you and I both know that she's hurting inside. You're the only man who loved her more than anyone I ever known. Even my own father. Without you, she is lost. She saw happiness in you and her life was complete. Now without you, I'm not sure where she is, where her mind is, but for sure, her life is forever different without you. It's all surreal, and it's hard to adapt.  Some of us took you for granted, and I'm sorry because I was one of them. Visit my mum, when you can in her dreams. She needs you ...

Death

I never thought I would be one of those people out there who has lost someone in their lives. I never pictured myself to be a person with a story to tell. Growing up, I had friends that come and go. Family growing bigger and bigger. I thought that I was lucky to have people in my lives and I felt sympathy to those who had someone in their lives, who are no longer here. But that all changed...

15th May 2016, I lost a childhood friend to suicide. It has been over a year and I never blogged because I simply forgot about blogging and there was not much to tell. My friend, Carmen; was a girl that woke up everyday, facing new dramas with friends or family. Dealt with rumours and argued so much with so many people.  It was rare to see her happy. As I was going on about my life, making decisions that I thought were best for me, I admittedly turned a blind eye to her and her needs. Of course once in awhile I'll have a phone call with her and caught up with her, but I don't know if that made her feel better knowing she had a friend thousands of miles away (I was living in Darwin at the time). But to hear the news about her from thousands of miles away, shattered my heart. Guilty that I ignored her call and decided to nap instead when that was her sign of reaching out to me before she took her own life. If I had knew... I would have picked up and talked her out of it and she would still be here. As you read this, you can see that I blame myself a lot ... I might not be the only person she reached out to but if I wasn't, why else would she have done what she did? Sigh... anyway, it's been over a year and of course I still grieve over her. I miss her. I've learnt to not drink to the point where I'm slurring my words and my vision is upside down because I end up breaking down about her and go into a full mental breakdown.

4th July 2017, I lost another person in my life. Although, I may have taken his company for granted and didn't place him anywhere important in my life, his loss made me realize how much I should have cherished him. After Carmens passing, I moved back to Brisbane and was so focused on my friends and family and making sure to be there if I saw any signs of suicidal thoughts or depression that I didn't prepare myself if Life had just decided that this person's time was up.  Uncle Ti, was my mums boyfriend. They were on and off multiple of times but he was in and out of my life ever since I was 14. He was there for me when I was going through my rebellious phase and argued with mum so much. After everything, he still welcomed my mum back into his life with opened arms and loved her like he never stopped. I never saw him as a step dad or anything but more of an adult best friend. He watched me grow and heard of my ventures trying to find myself when I moved from state to state. He would message me when I'm at my boyfriends house or on a holiday just to check up on me and see if Im doing okay. He would always remind me to come home and spend time with mum even if I'm an adult now and have responsibilities to fill. He always put my mum and my family first. He was a very kind hearted man, sweet, funny and pure. Most of all, very selfless. He was gentle; so gentle that I once found it creepy but as I grew, his presence was calming and reassuring. He died due to a car accident on Tuesday morning on his way to work. The airbags may have not activated because he suffered head injuries and died instantly, long before anyone had the time to call the ambulance. And thats what hurts the most. He must of been scared, shocked and held onto dear life with what little hope he had that he could survive this even knowing full well that he may not live. Yet he passed... I was worried for my mum more than anyone. I don't know how she reacted when she heard the news but she went missing for a few hours. With her condition, she tends to blank out and loses her memories for a few minutes when shes left under a lot of stress. On the night of his passing, she talked to her sisters and tried to find any thing she could to distract herself from believing in reality. She talked about superstitions, and Death himself was told by God that his time was up regardless if he was a good person. She made a bowl of rice, lit some candles, placed them in front of vase that had white roses in them given by my sisters best friend and said "Come home and have dinner honey". It instantly shattered my heart. Knowing that she may not have always told him to come over and have dinner but I knew in her heart, it must have pained her to say those words and watch the bowl of rice still full, and didn't expect the man she loved to come home and eat her food like he usually does.

It's all surreal to me. I thought I was string after Carmens death but still, I always feel like I can hear him come home. I feel like I can expect him to come outside and have a smoke with me and talk to me about his day and my day. I still feel like I can sense his company in this house and just see him washing the dishes or talking to my mum while she cooks. Recently, I was told my grandpa from Melbourne was in hospital for a couple of days due to a heart attack. He could have been discharged earlier but the attacks were happening frequently at night so they kept him hospitalized... he recently got out of hospital but my family down there is taking careful care for him but I can't help but fear that I am about to lose him too... Everyone around me, is dying. And I don't know if this is the way God wants me to know that I should stop being suicidal myself and appreciate life because if I died, this is how everyone will feel... but it's a cruel way to show me a lesson...

Right now, I am currently trying to stay strong, for my mum. But I haven't prayed to God like I usually do before I sleep because I don't know what to say to Him. I prayed a few weeks ago that He would provide someone for my mum who will love her and support her emotionally and the next day, shit you not, He bought Uncle Ti to her. Because I remember asking about him and she said they broke up, but next day? I saw his car and he was over, loving my mum like she was his first love. So now, I don't know what to say to God. I don't blame Him for what he did, and I don't dare question... but I can't help but feel like nothing I pray for will help my mums pain when He took Uncle Ti...