Rock Bottom

Recently, a few days ago if not a few weeks ago, I faced challenges. Challenges that I had never faced before, and it was so difficult.

20th of June 2017, I did something that I will not say here. But because of the situation, it felt like (and still does feel like) everyone is against me. What happened with me changed everyone's outlook on me. It came to the point where my own mother was yelling at me for the smallest things. I had problems with my relationship, my life and now my family. Everything came rushing at me all at once. I was under so much pressure and stress but everyone brushed it off like I was over thinking it or overreacting. When it all became too much, I argued with my mum. And it's been the first time in a long time that I retaliated. It got so bad that my own mother told me that she was sick of me and when I heard that I snapped. I yelled back without knowing, saying that maybe I should have died instead of Uncle Ti so her life would be so much easier without me. I don't know if I regret saying that but that's how I felt and how I still feel now.

It all became too much that when I was in the shower, I cried. I cried so much because I had felt like everyone was against me, like the world was against me. I had 3 different arguments that day and fingers were being pointed at me. I cried so much that I initially looked at the shaver and thought to myself that maybe I should just end it all. I know how to disassemble a shaver to get the razors out. I thought maybe I should cut my wrist deep enough and just bleed to death, right here in the shower. But I gave life one more chance. I thought to myself that when I step out of this bathroom and my mum or my sister decides to bring up another argument, I would end my life right in front of them. Of course, they didn't. And I reached out to my dad. I told him everything, from day 1. He had his own way of comforting me and updated me that I was having another baby brother with his new wife. He distracted me with his jokes and it made me laugh. But it also made me cry because I wish I could just hug him. The things he said made me rethink my life and why I shouldn't end it. The thing is, I don't know how long his words will last to keep me strong.

It's been a few days since all that happened. I am waking up and putting myself in a positive mindset and Im more determined to live. I've solved problems that were happening in my life such as jobs and money etc. But somehow, it's still not good enough. I can see that everyone is getting annoyed at me. No one could see that I was putting the effort in to trying to change my life around. Everyone constantly kept putting me down. And it hurts when it's from the people that I thought would support me.

After all that has happened, I regained my faith in God. I pray every night, thanking Him for certain things and ask for strength everyday. Slowly though, I know God is here with me by my side but everyone I love is leaving me. My own family especially... I haven't had a day where I thought of dying, but today I did. I walked home from my boyfriends house as the sun was setting rapidly and I just thought that I don't care what happens to me in the dark. I can feel my anxiety creep up on me but I'm pushing it away. I've heard lectures and insults to how I'm trying to get my life back together and I can say that I'm just numb. Im forcing myself to stay numb... I push away what everyone is saying and bottle up without letting it get to me. I fear that one day soon, Ill snap again. I'll break down again, and that could be the last time I lived...