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I don't want to jinx it, but I've been mentally "okay". These days, I'm not sad nor am I happy. To be honest, I feel like I've disappeared. I don't talk to my girls as much since they're busy with assessments as well as work. The only time I interact with my sister or mum is when we're coincidentally all outside smoking and when that happens, the only conversations we have is what am I doing with my life or how is the process of centrelink going. As much as I don't want to be on centrelink again, it's an option I have to take in hopes that I have some money to live for the time being. I'm still seeking jobs, and after 3 months of applying to so many places, I'm getting interviews. I'm thankful to God for providing me with opportunities with jobs as I pray desperately every night for more opportunities and strength to be confident and stand out, hoping to land one soon.

I owe a lot of people money and that's a first. The thought of being in debt stresses me out even though they are patient with me and don't rush me to pay them back, I still don't like being a person in debt. It was the one thing I've tried to avoid growing up. Seeing my family members or friends being debt and how much it stressed them out or held them back on spending on the things they want or need, I never wanted that. Argh, but here I am, owing some people big amount of money as well as just below $30. At times like these, I do wish I never quit my job but the same time, I'm glad that I did. Slowly. I am solving each problem I have. Baby steps though. Sometimes I do get impatient and want to move faster, take bigger steps, but patience is key right? I do however, have 1 problem that seems to never get solved or even if I tried, it seems to get worse. I've never heard anyone say that if a problem can't be solved or if there's no  other way to solve it, then it you should let it go and don't bother. I don't know if that's a thing but if it it is, then maybe I'll give up on trying to face it and stop trying to solve it. I heard a lot of "keep trying" or "keep fighting" so I believe it can be solved. But, I'm sort of in the middle of trying to fix it and leaving it.

As for smoking, I did try and quit. I went without it for 2 days and a half which I guess I am proud of myself for doing, but knowing me, I cave in when there's an issue. It's September already and I guess that's putting some pressure since I want to find a job, pay my debts and work on myself before the new year starts. This year hasn't been the best and that's what I said about last year too. I'm still giving life the benefit of the doubt that next year will be good but 2 years in a row already and my life has become better but I've been through so much that I'm really getting tired of. I'm amazed I made it this far but that goes without saying what I went through a few weeks ago, I was actually ready to end it all. The thing about me is, whatever happens and I feel like I'm at my all time low, surprisingly I can go lower and feel more depressed or broken. Just when I thought I can't break anymore, I can lol. And when that happens, in my head I tell myself, "one more trigger and that's it." So in saying this, what I mean is if I'm already having a shit day and all my problems hit me at once, one more person to cause a problem for me then I am out. I'll be joining Carmen and Uncle Ti. A bit sad and pathetic but I guess I should thank my lucky stars because I'm still here.