Truly Alone?

I've been wondering about a lot lately. I've even took a step back to observe my life and how far it has come. Things I went through and things I achieved. As I was in bed on countless nights, just thinking back - way back to where I can still remember, I can help but notice that even as a kid, there was always issues that I had to go through.

I want to start off and tell the part that as a kid, I always knew that the more I grow, the more disattached I will be from the family. When I was young, my sister and I were best friends and we had a cousin who we saw as our 3rd sister. We were very close. But I knew that my sister and my cousin will always be close because they were born on the same year and only a few months apart. I confess, I was jealous just for that reason. At a young age, all the kids were close, but I still felt like an outcast - maybe because I was shy or maybe my sister was just really good at making friends. When I approached primary age, I made friends of my own. I remember going to school only because I was excited to hang out with my friends and just be a kid. At some point, I can't remember when the bullying started but all I remember is everyday, I started to hate going to school everyday just because I know I would have to deal with the bullying and I was tired of it. My friend group grew larger though (it was an all girls group). Apparently we were the popular girls of primary but only I was being bullied from the popular boys group. I know at the age, I probably didn't know I was being constantly bullied and just saw it as boys being boys and nonetheless, I had a sassy mouth at that age, so whatever they had to say, I always shoot back. But I remember using so much of my time, prepping comebacks every night and feeling proud to say mean things to them whenever they picked on me and I remember it draining me because all I wanted was to have fun at school. I remembered thinking. "why me?" ," why aren't the other girls getting bullied too?" Thinking about it now, I don't know if the other girls were being bullied too. Maybe they were but they weren't a smart mouth like me and chose to ignore it hence the more I retaliated, the more it became a routine to pick on me. Maybe my retaliation showed that I was offended and they saw it as weakness.

In grade 6, I was laughed at by my whole class, including my teacher because I broke my pinky toe. It was so bad that I was put on crutches for about like 6-8 weeks. I broke it at home after school whilst playing outside. Half my foot was swollen and my step dad said he'd take me to the hospital the next day if it doesn't stop swelling. I honestly thought I just cracked the air out of a bone in my foot but guess not lol. The next day, I took a day off school to head to the hospital and in my place, my sister informed my class that I wasn't coming due to my toe. The day after the hospital, I rocked up to school with a cast that took up half my leg and struggled to get up the stairs (my class was on the second floor above the music room) When my teacher saw me, she bursted out laughing at the thought of having a whole cast for a broken toe and the class joined in on the laugh. I remember sitting in my seat, watching everyone laugh at me and I still remember telling myself not to cry (because the boy who bullied me the most was in most of my classes all through primary). I remember choking back the lump in my throat and let my hair down to retie it to hide the tears that were bubbling up in my eyes. During the 6-8 weeks, I've had many teachers who told me to hurry up the stairs after an assembly or when the bell rang. I remember wearing long pants all through the duration of the healing process and the bullies made fun of me because I looked like a boy for wearing long pants, even though it was hot every day.

As I approached high school, I noticed that I stopped playing sports all because I wanted to be a part of the "cool kids". I went to a complete different school from my primary school friends who ended up going to the schools that were close to each other. I moved houses so far from them that I went to a school that was about 35 minutes or so from them. I was in a complete new neighbourhood with different people. In high school, I was exposed to things I didn't understand how it made me look just so I could be cool. I started straightening my hair, wearing make up - loads of it, and rolling my skirt up so short and trying to buy branded bags (nike, adidas etc) because I saw the cool girls do it, so I did it. I guess I never grew up when I entered high school because my childish traits from primary made me annoying so I kept quiet. When I was in high school, I did something that I am still ashamed of which I can say where my depression started. After that, another chapter of my life where I was constantly being bullied. I hid behind those who weren't as popular and became friends with them. Everyday was boring. We'd sit at lunch together and not really talk about anything. I stopped showing my interests in some classes because these "friends" wanted us all to take the same classes. Being in that group of friends, I know they were talking behind my back. Sometimes they'd say it to my face because they knew I wouldn't say anything back because I truly had no one in this school to be friends with. I remember one time, one of the girls said I looked like those kids who have down syndrome. At the time, I didn't know what it was or how serious the disability was so I asked what that was. They tried their best to describe it to me and initially, I said "oh, those people who look like aliens?" They took my comment as a very insensitive thing to say or how I viewed them was harsh and they told class mates how mean I was for saying that to the less unfortunate. Being wrapped up in how people saw me after I said that, I completely forgot that these girls literally said I looked like I have down syndrome and that I was pretty ugly with the attempted make up I put on everyday.

While this went on, I ended up changing schools and reunited with people I knew either from primary or from my childhood. Moving to Corinda, was easy for me. I felt normal and comfortable. I didn't feel like the "new girl" because I knew a lot of people and they knew me. Nonetheless, I chose classes that I loved and had friends in each and every single one of them. I even joined the school's dance crew and that was my number 1 priority. My passion for dance never left me because I danced a lot as a kid and continued. Even though it was a new year at a new school, I still had issues. Having a high school crush on a boy and his group of friends bullied me for it because I wasn't good enough or he should be careful because of my rumours from my past relationships. What a small world I live in. I was being toyed with and eventually I found myself in a relationship with someone else. For a long period of time surprisingly. Almost 2 years. Being in that relationship, I learnt a lot from the pain as well as the good times. I was young so I was still learning. Now that I'm older, I guess that's not a reasonable thing to say anymore. I'm older now, I should know what to do and what not to do. In that relationship, I was the outcast of the house. I wasn't liked because of my shyness which they saw of was being rude.

Finishing high school, I had issues with family that I ended up living under people's roofs, moving here and there. Took up the addiction for smoking and constantly cutting. I thought moving down to Melbourne was a good idea and somehow, half of it was. At first, again I was being toyed by a boy and I had no job or friends. I had one friend but he was so caught up on a girl that we only hung out just whenever we felt lonely and some nights, we didn't do anything in the city and I knew he was bored hanging out with me. My girls visited often and I visited Brisbane when I had the chance. However, my life in Melbourne was still hell thanks to my sister's (now ex) boyfriend. He influenced her so badly that we sisters constantly fought and I was being outcasted. Eventually it changed when they both left to go back to brisbane. I felt like the only child. I was happy to be alone but some days, it did made me wish I had someone. Alas, I did meet someone who did make my last half of 2015 better. I loved him so much I then again, moved states to be with him. Unfortunately, mid way through 2016, somethings happened and I ended coming back to Brisbane and stayed.

From that day on, I've been staying in Brisbane and as I age another number, more and more things occur that now I feel like I'm truly alone. At this moment, I'm not socializing with anyone. Not even my girls. I don't talk to anyone. I don't do anything. Everyday, somehow I've being told I'm not good enough or at least that's how I feel. Being drained from giving so much and recieving nothing. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask for? I'm still an outcast in the family, amongst my friends, and even in houses that I know I'm not wanted. Losing hope for 2018.