Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas. Nothing special will be going on because like all other years, my family don't do presents. All we get is money; which is good enough. On Christmas Eve, I spent the day with my step dad. It's been way too long that I haven't seen him. Yesterday we just went to watch movies and had a little chat about our lives and family. Honestly, my family has been torn. Not the whole family, but the ones in my house. It's just my mum, Sally and myself. Sometimes Ken, my little brother. Even though there's only 3 of us in this small house, it's like a battlefield every day. It used to be my Mum and Sally against me. Then it slowly became the 3 of us against each other. Now, it's the 2 sister against my Mum. I hate the way things are here. My Mum has acted so strange lately that now, she acts as if we're not her daughters. Just 2 girls needing a place to stay and some food to eat. For the last few weeks, there hasn't been any sign of food. Just little snacks. There are noodles, a whole box of them, but I can't eat them. I get sick of it with just one bite but I force myself to eat them all, just to fill my stomach. But then I get this uneasy feeling in my stomach and I feel sick for a few hours. My sister and I have been bonding a lot. She's open up to me and she'd dnm with me every now and then. I feel as if we're like twins now because we're always together.

This year, I know for sure that the family won't be doing anything for Christmas. It makes me feel so sad and it breaks my heart because if we still had our step dad. and if we still have had our house back in Springfield, this would be the first Christmas for me. I know that my step dad would've liked doing it the proper Christmas way. With the tree, and buying each other presents and then when Christmas morning comes, all the kids would unwrap their presents and so will the adults. My family now is broken. The house has started to become dusty, dishes are unwashed, no food at home but I know for a fact that we're all in our own world's. The house has most likely became empty most days.

I just wish that maybe next year or in the future, I would never let my children or family to suffer like this. I want my kids to wake up every year on this special day with a Christmas spirit, no matter how old they are. And even if I was a single mother, I would still let my kids grow up and celebrate Christmas the proper way. I don't want them to suffer the gloomy, dull life like mine. I know for sure that I will never become someone like my Mum.

On the bright side, this will be my first Christmas with a boyfriend :D And Henry is my first <3 Though, it won't be as special but good enough right? I'll be prepared for next year though. I'll save up enough to take all my friends out for a feast :3

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE and let's not forget, Happy Birthday Jesus <3

Wanting to Forget

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There were times when I wanted to blog, but I couldn't because I was out and I blog whenever I'm depressed, annoyed or sad and whenever I have these emotions, I was out and by the time I was home, the situation has already been solved.

For the last few months as you all know, the thought of "that night" keeps coming into my mind. Well it doesn't happen every few days now, it literally happens at least 2-3 times a day. I feel as if there's a reason to why I keep getting reminded. Not only has it got me thinking negative about myself, but I get scared, I get nightmares, I get worried, I get heart breaks, etc. It's starting to really piss me off. I get angry at the fact that it won't leave me alone. I get angry at myself for thinking low of myself. I get angry that because of that thought, I have insecurities. No matter what Henry says or tell me, all that comes through my mind is:

"Lies."
"As if."
"No you don't"
"He's cheating"
"He doesn't love you"
"He's going to break that promise"
"Don't trust him"
"It's not true"

I am sick and tired of all these negative thoughts trying to get to me and I'm disappointed that I actually let it. I tried and tried to stop thinking so negative but the more I try, the stronger it gets and some day, I'm scared it'll be too strong for me to handle and I will become a legitimate emo; not being able to think positive. I think that because of these negative emotions and thoughts, I have anxiety attacks now. I'm not sure but I break down whenever I'm alone, I think so low of myself and I hate myself, unable to do anything about it. Is that anxiety? Because I never used to break down out of the blue. Ever.

No one understands how much I want to forget about what happened. Not even breaking up with Henry will make me forget, nor drinking til every brain cell that carries memories dies will make me forget. What I would give up just to have that night erased. I want to forget everything I regret. Even though sometimes I do, eventually it comes back and then I'm unable to forget it again. If mankind could invent a time machine anytime soon, or a machine that erases the memories you wouldn't want to keep, I'd honestly want to go back in time, and stop myself from meeting Henry or erase him from my memories. It's sad to say, and it breaks my heart to say so but when I think about it, it would have been for the best. Even though "that night" has been erased or changed, the fights, the arguments and his attitude wouldn't change. If I lived on without knowing who Henry was, I would have been happier, I would have been single but meeting guys the right way. Falling in love the right way. You're probably all thinking that I'm mad at Henry right now that's why I'm saying this but I'm not.
It's just one of those moments that you stop, look back and see what has happened, what has changed and then you think, "What if I took this path instead of the path I'm walking right now?" Then you think back to the beginning, imagining you making a different decision and then you go through one by one, changing your decision/choices, then in the end, you end up with a different life. You compare your life now and the life you could've have had and then you realize that you could've been happy.

Dating Henry isn't a mistake nor a regret to me. It's just that I want to forget. I want to forget everything and start over. But then apart of me don't want to let go of what has already been built between us. Even though starting over may sound nice right now, I still wouldn't be able to forget what has happened. It's hard for me to let go. I've tried, but it clings onto me like I'm clinging onto Henry. It's like being with Henry is being with "that night" but leaving Henry is not like I would be leaving "that night" but it would be leaving with me.
What can I do? Nothing.

Dreams Become Nightmares

Last night and the night before, I've been having nightmares. It's not the nightmares where ghost or demons but where Henry is cheating on me, again. The first one was he was cheating with one of a Korean actor that was in my drama. LOL, I know that won't come true but last night, was with a girl I know. It was a heart breaking dream. I only remember the parts where, Henry told me to go into the room with him, but I don't know who's house it is. Everything was white. The blanket on the clean white bed was a baby blue. Then turns out that girl I know was there too. She was on the phone and was asking someone to take her home. Henry laid down on the bed and I was next to him. All of a sudden, that girl I know was laying on the other side next to him as well. They were talking and then she started flirting and he was flirting back. He put his arms around her and she was laying his chest. I was trying to get his attention but he wouldn't turn around to me. Then they started play fighting and she was sitting on him and then he was laying on her lap. I ran outside crying, hoping he would come after me but as I ran out the door, I heard her ask

"Who was that?"
and he just replied like, 

"Oh, it's probably Anne chucking a sook, Who cares?"

I ran back in and laid back down. When I couldn't take it anymore, I got up and I grabbed his shoulder to turn him around and slapped him. He asked,

"What was that for?"
but it wasn't an angry tone of voice. I then said,
"What kind of boyfriend are you? Are you forgetting that I'm here too? You invited me into this room and here you're letting another girl lay on your chest, sit on you and flirting with you."

I remember saying that with tears just constantly running down my face. I woke up and I realized that I was crying. All of a sudden, a thought came into my head out of the blue. 

"What if they have been snapchatting dirty things or have been snapchatting a lot? What kind of snaps do they take?"
I got so paranoid and I just broke down at 2:00 a.m. I was so scared and the pain was just heart breaking. Let alone the negative thoughts running through my head. I eventually cried myself back to sleep. I woke up and brushed my teeth. When I was brushing my teeth, I thought of the dream, and I was convincing myself

"It's not true. How could it be true?"
but then, the very first time I had dreams of Henry cheating. It was constant and then it turned out coming true. I don't know what to do. Is this another sign? Should I leave before it happens? I'm scared that when I tell him about this dream, he would finally confess that it's true... I'm so scared right now. I'm worrying and I really just want to find out the truth. Knowing Henry, he lies to me a lot ... so I don't know if I could believe anything he says to me ... It hurts not being able to trust him but now, not even believe him. He said that I should trust and believe him but he's clearly showed me that I can't trust now I can't believe. Worst feeling... 

What's even worse is that he left me walking in the cold last night. I asked if he could pick me up and it was a straight up No, when I told him my day and why I wanted to be picked up. In the end, he put himself first and I ended up walking to the bus stop which was 20-30 minutes away from the house I came from, and it was freezing. But he did pick my sister, my sister's friend and myself up when we were at Oxley McDonald's when I told him where my mum thought that he was with us the whole day and that he was going to take us home but when my sister told my mum that he wasn't, my mum raged that if we didn't have a way home, we should've came home earlier and said that she wasn't going to pick us up. He somewhat sounded guilty and yeah. Although I was still upset about out argument, I just sucked it up and let it slide. I acted as if nothing ever happened. It killed me bit by bit inside. He then said,
"I hate it when we fight."
I did feel a bit better when he said that, but with the subject of the argument, I was still heart broken. Aiden had told me that when he was dating Sally, my sister, he saw how strong I was when it came to arguments with my ex boyfriend. And he said that now when he looks at me, he sees a broken girl and that I've become weak and sensitive. He told me to leave immediately for my own good, but I don't want to leave Henry... I love him.