Wanting to Forget

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There were times when I wanted to blog, but I couldn't because I was out and I blog whenever I'm depressed, annoyed or sad and whenever I have these emotions, I was out and by the time I was home, the situation has already been solved.

For the last few months as you all know, the thought of "that night" keeps coming into my mind. Well it doesn't happen every few days now, it literally happens at least 2-3 times a day. I feel as if there's a reason to why I keep getting reminded. Not only has it got me thinking negative about myself, but I get scared, I get nightmares, I get worried, I get heart breaks, etc. It's starting to really piss me off. I get angry at the fact that it won't leave me alone. I get angry at myself for thinking low of myself. I get angry that because of that thought, I have insecurities. No matter what Henry says or tell me, all that comes through my mind is:

"Lies."
"As if."
"No you don't"
"He's cheating"
"He doesn't love you"
"He's going to break that promise"
"Don't trust him"
"It's not true"

I am sick and tired of all these negative thoughts trying to get to me and I'm disappointed that I actually let it. I tried and tried to stop thinking so negative but the more I try, the stronger it gets and some day, I'm scared it'll be too strong for me to handle and I will become a legitimate emo; not being able to think positive. I think that because of these negative emotions and thoughts, I have anxiety attacks now. I'm not sure but I break down whenever I'm alone, I think so low of myself and I hate myself, unable to do anything about it. Is that anxiety? Because I never used to break down out of the blue. Ever.

No one understands how much I want to forget about what happened. Not even breaking up with Henry will make me forget, nor drinking til every brain cell that carries memories dies will make me forget. What I would give up just to have that night erased. I want to forget everything I regret. Even though sometimes I do, eventually it comes back and then I'm unable to forget it again. If mankind could invent a time machine anytime soon, or a machine that erases the memories you wouldn't want to keep, I'd honestly want to go back in time, and stop myself from meeting Henry or erase him from my memories. It's sad to say, and it breaks my heart to say so but when I think about it, it would have been for the best. Even though "that night" has been erased or changed, the fights, the arguments and his attitude wouldn't change. If I lived on without knowing who Henry was, I would have been happier, I would have been single but meeting guys the right way. Falling in love the right way. You're probably all thinking that I'm mad at Henry right now that's why I'm saying this but I'm not.
It's just one of those moments that you stop, look back and see what has happened, what has changed and then you think, "What if I took this path instead of the path I'm walking right now?" Then you think back to the beginning, imagining you making a different decision and then you go through one by one, changing your decision/choices, then in the end, you end up with a different life. You compare your life now and the life you could've have had and then you realize that you could've been happy.

Dating Henry isn't a mistake nor a regret to me. It's just that I want to forget. I want to forget everything and start over. But then apart of me don't want to let go of what has already been built between us. Even though starting over may sound nice right now, I still wouldn't be able to forget what has happened. It's hard for me to let go. I've tried, but it clings onto me like I'm clinging onto Henry. It's like being with Henry is being with "that night" but leaving Henry is not like I would be leaving "that night" but it would be leaving with me.
What can I do? Nothing.