I have no one to talk to about what I'm going through. I do want to have someone to listen but I know that it's not best for me to say anything. I should endure it. When I cry, I cry alone. Pathetic as it seems, I just imagine what it feels like to be comforted, or being hugged just to calm myself. I reminisce for all those moments I took for granted by those who did hold me as I cried.
As much as I hate it, I'm being drawn back to suicide. The thoughts come flowing in and I don't want it to. I've done so well so far without the thought of dying. But these days, again...it's all I think about.
I tried and I'm still trying. But I'm drained.
Thursday, 28 September 2017
Truly Alone?
I've been wondering about a lot lately. I've even took a step back to observe my life and how far it has come. Things I went through and things I achieved. As I was in bed on countless nights, just thinking back - way back to where I can still remember, I can help but notice that even as a kid, there was always issues that I had to go through.
I want to start off and tell the part that as a kid, I always knew that the more I grow, the more disattached I will be from the family. When I was young, my sister and I were best friends and we had a cousin who we saw as our 3rd sister. We were very close. But I knew that my sister and my cousin will always be close because they were born on the same year and only a few months apart. I confess, I was jealous just for that reason. At a young age, all the kids were close, but I still felt like an outcast - maybe because I was shy or maybe my sister was just really good at making friends. When I approached primary age, I made friends of my own. I remember going to school only because I was excited to hang out with my friends and just be a kid. At some point, I can't remember when the bullying started but all I remember is everyday, I started to hate going to school everyday just because I know I would have to deal with the bullying and I was tired of it. My friend group grew larger though (it was an all girls group). Apparently we were the popular girls of primary but only I was being bullied from the popular boys group. I know at the age, I probably didn't know I was being constantly bullied and just saw it as boys being boys and nonetheless, I had a sassy mouth at that age, so whatever they had to say, I always shoot back. But I remember using so much of my time, prepping comebacks every night and feeling proud to say mean things to them whenever they picked on me and I remember it draining me because all I wanted was to have fun at school. I remembered thinking. "why me?" ," why aren't the other girls getting bullied too?" Thinking about it now, I don't know if the other girls were being bullied too. Maybe they were but they weren't a smart mouth like me and chose to ignore it hence the more I retaliated, the more it became a routine to pick on me. Maybe my retaliation showed that I was offended and they saw it as weakness.
In grade 6, I was laughed at by my whole class, including my teacher because I broke my pinky toe. It was so bad that I was put on crutches for about like 6-8 weeks. I broke it at home after school whilst playing outside. Half my foot was swollen and my step dad said he'd take me to the hospital the next day if it doesn't stop swelling. I honestly thought I just cracked the air out of a bone in my foot but guess not lol. The next day, I took a day off school to head to the hospital and in my place, my sister informed my class that I wasn't coming due to my toe. The day after the hospital, I rocked up to school with a cast that took up half my leg and struggled to get up the stairs (my class was on the second floor above the music room) When my teacher saw me, she bursted out laughing at the thought of having a whole cast for a broken toe and the class joined in on the laugh. I remember sitting in my seat, watching everyone laugh at me and I still remember telling myself not to cry (because the boy who bullied me the most was in most of my classes all through primary). I remember choking back the lump in my throat and let my hair down to retie it to hide the tears that were bubbling up in my eyes. During the 6-8 weeks, I've had many teachers who told me to hurry up the stairs after an assembly or when the bell rang. I remember wearing long pants all through the duration of the healing process and the bullies made fun of me because I looked like a boy for wearing long pants, even though it was hot every day.
As I approached high school, I noticed that I stopped playing sports all because I wanted to be a part of the "cool kids". I went to a complete different school from my primary school friends who ended up going to the schools that were close to each other. I moved houses so far from them that I went to a school that was about 35 minutes or so from them. I was in a complete new neighbourhood with different people. In high school, I was exposed to things I didn't understand how it made me look just so I could be cool. I started straightening my hair, wearing make up - loads of it, and rolling my skirt up so short and trying to buy branded bags (nike, adidas etc) because I saw the cool girls do it, so I did it. I guess I never grew up when I entered high school because my childish traits from primary made me annoying so I kept quiet. When I was in high school, I did something that I am still ashamed of which I can say where my depression started. After that, another chapter of my life where I was constantly being bullied. I hid behind those who weren't as popular and became friends with them. Everyday was boring. We'd sit at lunch together and not really talk about anything. I stopped showing my interests in some classes because these "friends" wanted us all to take the same classes. Being in that group of friends, I know they were talking behind my back. Sometimes they'd say it to my face because they knew I wouldn't say anything back because I truly had no one in this school to be friends with. I remember one time, one of the girls said I looked like those kids who have down syndrome. At the time, I didn't know what it was or how serious the disability was so I asked what that was. They tried their best to describe it to me and initially, I said "oh, those people who look like aliens?" They took my comment as a very insensitive thing to say or how I viewed them was harsh and they told class mates how mean I was for saying that to the less unfortunate. Being wrapped up in how people saw me after I said that, I completely forgot that these girls literally said I looked like I have down syndrome and that I was pretty ugly with the attempted make up I put on everyday.
While this went on, I ended up changing schools and reunited with people I knew either from primary or from my childhood. Moving to Corinda, was easy for me. I felt normal and comfortable. I didn't feel like the "new girl" because I knew a lot of people and they knew me. Nonetheless, I chose classes that I loved and had friends in each and every single one of them. I even joined the school's dance crew and that was my number 1 priority. My passion for dance never left me because I danced a lot as a kid and continued. Even though it was a new year at a new school, I still had issues. Having a high school crush on a boy and his group of friends bullied me for it because I wasn't good enough or he should be careful because of my rumours from my past relationships. What a small world I live in. I was being toyed with and eventually I found myself in a relationship with someone else. For a long period of time surprisingly. Almost 2 years. Being in that relationship, I learnt a lot from the pain as well as the good times. I was young so I was still learning. Now that I'm older, I guess that's not a reasonable thing to say anymore. I'm older now, I should know what to do and what not to do. In that relationship, I was the outcast of the house. I wasn't liked because of my shyness which they saw of was being rude.
Finishing high school, I had issues with family that I ended up living under people's roofs, moving here and there. Took up the addiction for smoking and constantly cutting. I thought moving down to Melbourne was a good idea and somehow, half of it was. At first, again I was being toyed by a boy and I had no job or friends. I had one friend but he was so caught up on a girl that we only hung out just whenever we felt lonely and some nights, we didn't do anything in the city and I knew he was bored hanging out with me. My girls visited often and I visited Brisbane when I had the chance. However, my life in Melbourne was still hell thanks to my sister's (now ex) boyfriend. He influenced her so badly that we sisters constantly fought and I was being outcasted. Eventually it changed when they both left to go back to brisbane. I felt like the only child. I was happy to be alone but some days, it did made me wish I had someone. Alas, I did meet someone who did make my last half of 2015 better. I loved him so much I then again, moved states to be with him. Unfortunately, mid way through 2016, somethings happened and I ended coming back to Brisbane and stayed.
From that day on, I've been staying in Brisbane and as I age another number, more and more things occur that now I feel like I'm truly alone. At this moment, I'm not socializing with anyone. Not even my girls. I don't talk to anyone. I don't do anything. Everyday, somehow I've being told I'm not good enough or at least that's how I feel. Being drained from giving so much and recieving nothing. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask for? I'm still an outcast in the family, amongst my friends, and even in houses that I know I'm not wanted. Losing hope for 2018.
I want to start off and tell the part that as a kid, I always knew that the more I grow, the more disattached I will be from the family. When I was young, my sister and I were best friends and we had a cousin who we saw as our 3rd sister. We were very close. But I knew that my sister and my cousin will always be close because they were born on the same year and only a few months apart. I confess, I was jealous just for that reason. At a young age, all the kids were close, but I still felt like an outcast - maybe because I was shy or maybe my sister was just really good at making friends. When I approached primary age, I made friends of my own. I remember going to school only because I was excited to hang out with my friends and just be a kid. At some point, I can't remember when the bullying started but all I remember is everyday, I started to hate going to school everyday just because I know I would have to deal with the bullying and I was tired of it. My friend group grew larger though (it was an all girls group). Apparently we were the popular girls of primary but only I was being bullied from the popular boys group. I know at the age, I probably didn't know I was being constantly bullied and just saw it as boys being boys and nonetheless, I had a sassy mouth at that age, so whatever they had to say, I always shoot back. But I remember using so much of my time, prepping comebacks every night and feeling proud to say mean things to them whenever they picked on me and I remember it draining me because all I wanted was to have fun at school. I remembered thinking. "why me?" ," why aren't the other girls getting bullied too?" Thinking about it now, I don't know if the other girls were being bullied too. Maybe they were but they weren't a smart mouth like me and chose to ignore it hence the more I retaliated, the more it became a routine to pick on me. Maybe my retaliation showed that I was offended and they saw it as weakness.
In grade 6, I was laughed at by my whole class, including my teacher because I broke my pinky toe. It was so bad that I was put on crutches for about like 6-8 weeks. I broke it at home after school whilst playing outside. Half my foot was swollen and my step dad said he'd take me to the hospital the next day if it doesn't stop swelling. I honestly thought I just cracked the air out of a bone in my foot but guess not lol. The next day, I took a day off school to head to the hospital and in my place, my sister informed my class that I wasn't coming due to my toe. The day after the hospital, I rocked up to school with a cast that took up half my leg and struggled to get up the stairs (my class was on the second floor above the music room) When my teacher saw me, she bursted out laughing at the thought of having a whole cast for a broken toe and the class joined in on the laugh. I remember sitting in my seat, watching everyone laugh at me and I still remember telling myself not to cry (because the boy who bullied me the most was in most of my classes all through primary). I remember choking back the lump in my throat and let my hair down to retie it to hide the tears that were bubbling up in my eyes. During the 6-8 weeks, I've had many teachers who told me to hurry up the stairs after an assembly or when the bell rang. I remember wearing long pants all through the duration of the healing process and the bullies made fun of me because I looked like a boy for wearing long pants, even though it was hot every day.
As I approached high school, I noticed that I stopped playing sports all because I wanted to be a part of the "cool kids". I went to a complete different school from my primary school friends who ended up going to the schools that were close to each other. I moved houses so far from them that I went to a school that was about 35 minutes or so from them. I was in a complete new neighbourhood with different people. In high school, I was exposed to things I didn't understand how it made me look just so I could be cool. I started straightening my hair, wearing make up - loads of it, and rolling my skirt up so short and trying to buy branded bags (nike, adidas etc) because I saw the cool girls do it, so I did it. I guess I never grew up when I entered high school because my childish traits from primary made me annoying so I kept quiet. When I was in high school, I did something that I am still ashamed of which I can say where my depression started. After that, another chapter of my life where I was constantly being bullied. I hid behind those who weren't as popular and became friends with them. Everyday was boring. We'd sit at lunch together and not really talk about anything. I stopped showing my interests in some classes because these "friends" wanted us all to take the same classes. Being in that group of friends, I know they were talking behind my back. Sometimes they'd say it to my face because they knew I wouldn't say anything back because I truly had no one in this school to be friends with. I remember one time, one of the girls said I looked like those kids who have down syndrome. At the time, I didn't know what it was or how serious the disability was so I asked what that was. They tried their best to describe it to me and initially, I said "oh, those people who look like aliens?" They took my comment as a very insensitive thing to say or how I viewed them was harsh and they told class mates how mean I was for saying that to the less unfortunate. Being wrapped up in how people saw me after I said that, I completely forgot that these girls literally said I looked like I have down syndrome and that I was pretty ugly with the attempted make up I put on everyday.
While this went on, I ended up changing schools and reunited with people I knew either from primary or from my childhood. Moving to Corinda, was easy for me. I felt normal and comfortable. I didn't feel like the "new girl" because I knew a lot of people and they knew me. Nonetheless, I chose classes that I loved and had friends in each and every single one of them. I even joined the school's dance crew and that was my number 1 priority. My passion for dance never left me because I danced a lot as a kid and continued. Even though it was a new year at a new school, I still had issues. Having a high school crush on a boy and his group of friends bullied me for it because I wasn't good enough or he should be careful because of my rumours from my past relationships. What a small world I live in. I was being toyed with and eventually I found myself in a relationship with someone else. For a long period of time surprisingly. Almost 2 years. Being in that relationship, I learnt a lot from the pain as well as the good times. I was young so I was still learning. Now that I'm older, I guess that's not a reasonable thing to say anymore. I'm older now, I should know what to do and what not to do. In that relationship, I was the outcast of the house. I wasn't liked because of my shyness which they saw of was being rude.
Finishing high school, I had issues with family that I ended up living under people's roofs, moving here and there. Took up the addiction for smoking and constantly cutting. I thought moving down to Melbourne was a good idea and somehow, half of it was. At first, again I was being toyed by a boy and I had no job or friends. I had one friend but he was so caught up on a girl that we only hung out just whenever we felt lonely and some nights, we didn't do anything in the city and I knew he was bored hanging out with me. My girls visited often and I visited Brisbane when I had the chance. However, my life in Melbourne was still hell thanks to my sister's (now ex) boyfriend. He influenced her so badly that we sisters constantly fought and I was being outcasted. Eventually it changed when they both left to go back to brisbane. I felt like the only child. I was happy to be alone but some days, it did made me wish I had someone. Alas, I did meet someone who did make my last half of 2015 better. I loved him so much I then again, moved states to be with him. Unfortunately, mid way through 2016, somethings happened and I ended coming back to Brisbane and stayed.
From that day on, I've been staying in Brisbane and as I age another number, more and more things occur that now I feel like I'm truly alone. At this moment, I'm not socializing with anyone. Not even my girls. I don't talk to anyone. I don't do anything. Everyday, somehow I've being told I'm not good enough or at least that's how I feel. Being drained from giving so much and recieving nothing. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask for? I'm still an outcast in the family, amongst my friends, and even in houses that I know I'm not wanted. Losing hope for 2018.
Monday, 4 September 2017
-
I don't want to jinx it, but I've been mentally "okay". These days, I'm not sad nor am I happy. To be honest, I feel like I've disappeared. I don't talk to my girls as much since they're busy with assessments as well as work. The only time I interact with my sister or mum is when we're coincidentally all outside smoking and when that happens, the only conversations we have is what am I doing with my life or how is the process of centrelink going. As much as I don't want to be on centrelink again, it's an option I have to take in hopes that I have some money to live for the time being. I'm still seeking jobs, and after 3 months of applying to so many places, I'm getting interviews. I'm thankful to God for providing me with opportunities with jobs as I pray desperately every night for more opportunities and strength to be confident and stand out, hoping to land one soon.
I owe a lot of people money and that's a first. The thought of being in debt stresses me out even though they are patient with me and don't rush me to pay them back, I still don't like being a person in debt. It was the one thing I've tried to avoid growing up. Seeing my family members or friends being debt and how much it stressed them out or held them back on spending on the things they want or need, I never wanted that. Argh, but here I am, owing some people big amount of money as well as just below $30. At times like these, I do wish I never quit my job but the same time, I'm glad that I did. Slowly. I am solving each problem I have. Baby steps though. Sometimes I do get impatient and want to move faster, take bigger steps, but patience is key right? I do however, have 1 problem that seems to never get solved or even if I tried, it seems to get worse. I've never heard anyone say that if a problem can't be solved or if there's no other way to solve it, then it you should let it go and don't bother. I don't know if that's a thing but if it it is, then maybe I'll give up on trying to face it and stop trying to solve it. I heard a lot of "keep trying" or "keep fighting" so I believe it can be solved. But, I'm sort of in the middle of trying to fix it and leaving it.
As for smoking, I did try and quit. I went without it for 2 days and a half which I guess I am proud of myself for doing, but knowing me, I cave in when there's an issue. It's September already and I guess that's putting some pressure since I want to find a job, pay my debts and work on myself before the new year starts. This year hasn't been the best and that's what I said about last year too. I'm still giving life the benefit of the doubt that next year will be good but 2 years in a row already and my life has become better but I've been through so much that I'm really getting tired of. I'm amazed I made it this far but that goes without saying what I went through a few weeks ago, I was actually ready to end it all. The thing about me is, whatever happens and I feel like I'm at my all time low, surprisingly I can go lower and feel more depressed or broken. Just when I thought I can't break anymore, I can lol. And when that happens, in my head I tell myself, "one more trigger and that's it." So in saying this, what I mean is if I'm already having a shit day and all my problems hit me at once, one more person to cause a problem for me then I am out. I'll be joining Carmen and Uncle Ti. A bit sad and pathetic but I guess I should thank my lucky stars because I'm still here.
I owe a lot of people money and that's a first. The thought of being in debt stresses me out even though they are patient with me and don't rush me to pay them back, I still don't like being a person in debt. It was the one thing I've tried to avoid growing up. Seeing my family members or friends being debt and how much it stressed them out or held them back on spending on the things they want or need, I never wanted that. Argh, but here I am, owing some people big amount of money as well as just below $30. At times like these, I do wish I never quit my job but the same time, I'm glad that I did. Slowly. I am solving each problem I have. Baby steps though. Sometimes I do get impatient and want to move faster, take bigger steps, but patience is key right? I do however, have 1 problem that seems to never get solved or even if I tried, it seems to get worse. I've never heard anyone say that if a problem can't be solved or if there's no other way to solve it, then it you should let it go and don't bother. I don't know if that's a thing but if it it is, then maybe I'll give up on trying to face it and stop trying to solve it. I heard a lot of "keep trying" or "keep fighting" so I believe it can be solved. But, I'm sort of in the middle of trying to fix it and leaving it.
As for smoking, I did try and quit. I went without it for 2 days and a half which I guess I am proud of myself for doing, but knowing me, I cave in when there's an issue. It's September already and I guess that's putting some pressure since I want to find a job, pay my debts and work on myself before the new year starts. This year hasn't been the best and that's what I said about last year too. I'm still giving life the benefit of the doubt that next year will be good but 2 years in a row already and my life has become better but I've been through so much that I'm really getting tired of. I'm amazed I made it this far but that goes without saying what I went through a few weeks ago, I was actually ready to end it all. The thing about me is, whatever happens and I feel like I'm at my all time low, surprisingly I can go lower and feel more depressed or broken. Just when I thought I can't break anymore, I can lol. And when that happens, in my head I tell myself, "one more trigger and that's it." So in saying this, what I mean is if I'm already having a shit day and all my problems hit me at once, one more person to cause a problem for me then I am out. I'll be joining Carmen and Uncle Ti. A bit sad and pathetic but I guess I should thank my lucky stars because I'm still here.
Monday, 7 August 2017
Difficulties
Being 20 years old now, I struggle with a lot. I've had depression for 8 years now and it's still my ultimate goal to get through it, but as I grow older, it seems more difficult. Especially when you're 20 and there's a lot of pressure being an adult.
The past few years or so, I've had people come and go. Only 2 people stayed in my life and I can not be more thankful. Jennifer and Jasmin are my bestest friends and among our trio, it seems like I'm going through the most. They go through problems and we're all here for each other. But I wish my problems were as easily solved as theirs. I guess if you looked at us, you can tell that I'm the most fucked up one. I suffer from mental illnesses that I don't want to seek professional help with because I want to get through it on my own, just to prove that I'm strong enough and I don't want people looking at me as if I'm crazy and give me their sympathy. I've tried to cut my addiction from smoking but every time I do, a problem will come up, big or small, I panic and end up chain smoking meaning I know my mentally isn't strong enough yet.
Having social anxiety, I guess it's made people misunderstood me. My social anxiety has gotten me into trouble that I never intended to cause. I wish I could open myself up to clear the misunderstandings but the difficulty is that I'm always going to think that they think I'm making excuses for my actions. I used to think when I was 13-18 years old, everything that I have gone through was not normal for an average teenager. Now that I've hit the big two-zero, everything that has happened so far, I still feel like it's not normal. Of course, it is okay to be going through a lot at my age, but I'm only human. There is so much I can take and only so much I can give. If I think about it now, throughout my whole life, I don't recall the last time I was truly happy. Because after every happiness followed betrayal, pain, suffocation, tears, heart breaks and so much more. I've had temporary happiness but the last time I'm with my girls, sure they make me happy and we always enjoy a good day out together but at the end of the day, I come home feeling lonely. Sometimes, when they're laughing their butts off at something, I just don't laugh. Sometimes, I force a laugh but other times, I just give them their moment. I wish I could laugh so hard til I'm at the verge of crying, or my stomach started hurting. But I don't laugh like that anymore. It's kinda sad to be honest.
It's easy to tell me to get up and do something about it. Go out there and find what makes me happy. Go out there and do what makes me happy. Go out there and get my life together. No use sitting around moping. And I know. I know I can do it, but what can I do. Even if I find something, make my life better, isn't it all a distraction? I've pushed hard to think positive. To try and get my life together but it all seems like it's not good enough. I wish I could blog about something happy. Something normal.
The past few years or so, I've had people come and go. Only 2 people stayed in my life and I can not be more thankful. Jennifer and Jasmin are my bestest friends and among our trio, it seems like I'm going through the most. They go through problems and we're all here for each other. But I wish my problems were as easily solved as theirs. I guess if you looked at us, you can tell that I'm the most fucked up one. I suffer from mental illnesses that I don't want to seek professional help with because I want to get through it on my own, just to prove that I'm strong enough and I don't want people looking at me as if I'm crazy and give me their sympathy. I've tried to cut my addiction from smoking but every time I do, a problem will come up, big or small, I panic and end up chain smoking meaning I know my mentally isn't strong enough yet.
Having social anxiety, I guess it's made people misunderstood me. My social anxiety has gotten me into trouble that I never intended to cause. I wish I could open myself up to clear the misunderstandings but the difficulty is that I'm always going to think that they think I'm making excuses for my actions. I used to think when I was 13-18 years old, everything that I have gone through was not normal for an average teenager. Now that I've hit the big two-zero, everything that has happened so far, I still feel like it's not normal. Of course, it is okay to be going through a lot at my age, but I'm only human. There is so much I can take and only so much I can give. If I think about it now, throughout my whole life, I don't recall the last time I was truly happy. Because after every happiness followed betrayal, pain, suffocation, tears, heart breaks and so much more. I've had temporary happiness but the last time I'm with my girls, sure they make me happy and we always enjoy a good day out together but at the end of the day, I come home feeling lonely. Sometimes, when they're laughing their butts off at something, I just don't laugh. Sometimes, I force a laugh but other times, I just give them their moment. I wish I could laugh so hard til I'm at the verge of crying, or my stomach started hurting. But I don't laugh like that anymore. It's kinda sad to be honest.
It's easy to tell me to get up and do something about it. Go out there and find what makes me happy. Go out there and do what makes me happy. Go out there and get my life together. No use sitting around moping. And I know. I know I can do it, but what can I do. Even if I find something, make my life better, isn't it all a distraction? I've pushed hard to think positive. To try and get my life together but it all seems like it's not good enough. I wish I could blog about something happy. Something normal.
Saturday, 29 July 2017
Rock Bottom
Recently, a few days ago if not a few weeks ago, I faced challenges. Challenges that I had never faced before, and it was so difficult.
20th of June 2017, I did something that I will not say here. But because of the situation, it felt like (and still does feel like) everyone is against me. What happened with me changed everyone's outlook on me. It came to the point where my own mother was yelling at me for the smallest things. I had problems with my relationship, my life and now my family. Everything came rushing at me all at once. I was under so much pressure and stress but everyone brushed it off like I was over thinking it or overreacting. When it all became too much, I argued with my mum. And it's been the first time in a long time that I retaliated. It got so bad that my own mother told me that she was sick of me and when I heard that I snapped. I yelled back without knowing, saying that maybe I should have died instead of Uncle Ti so her life would be so much easier without me. I don't know if I regret saying that but that's how I felt and how I still feel now.
It all became too much that when I was in the shower, I cried. I cried so much because I had felt like everyone was against me, like the world was against me. I had 3 different arguments that day and fingers were being pointed at me. I cried so much that I initially looked at the shaver and thought to myself that maybe I should just end it all. I know how to disassemble a shaver to get the razors out. I thought maybe I should cut my wrist deep enough and just bleed to death, right here in the shower. But I gave life one more chance. I thought to myself that when I step out of this bathroom and my mum or my sister decides to bring up another argument, I would end my life right in front of them. Of course, they didn't. And I reached out to my dad. I told him everything, from day 1. He had his own way of comforting me and updated me that I was having another baby brother with his new wife. He distracted me with his jokes and it made me laugh. But it also made me cry because I wish I could just hug him. The things he said made me rethink my life and why I shouldn't end it. The thing is, I don't know how long his words will last to keep me strong.
It's been a few days since all that happened. I am waking up and putting myself in a positive mindset and Im more determined to live. I've solved problems that were happening in my life such as jobs and money etc. But somehow, it's still not good enough. I can see that everyone is getting annoyed at me. No one could see that I was putting the effort in to trying to change my life around. Everyone constantly kept putting me down. And it hurts when it's from the people that I thought would support me.
After all that has happened, I regained my faith in God. I pray every night, thanking Him for certain things and ask for strength everyday. Slowly though, I know God is here with me by my side but everyone I love is leaving me. My own family especially... I haven't had a day where I thought of dying, but today I did. I walked home from my boyfriends house as the sun was setting rapidly and I just thought that I don't care what happens to me in the dark. I can feel my anxiety creep up on me but I'm pushing it away. I've heard lectures and insults to how I'm trying to get my life back together and I can say that I'm just numb. Im forcing myself to stay numb... I push away what everyone is saying and bottle up without letting it get to me. I fear that one day soon, Ill snap again. I'll break down again, and that could be the last time I lived...
Friday, 14 July 2017
14th July 2017
In the winter of July, it was a sad day. Today was the funeral of Uncle Ti.
I thought I have seen it all when I attended my first funeral last year in May. I thought by now that I could be strong today for my mum but as I walked into that empty room, seeing that single casket under the cross in the middle of the room with it half open and I knew by then, I needed to build the courage to see him one last time.
As I sat and watched his family grieve, crying out how the cruel of life to take him away so soon, so suddenly, I couldn't stop looking at his photo that stood on the table. A smiling face. A face once full of warmth, colour and now, a paled, waxed, lifeless face lay in a tiny casket.
It was an emotional day. The amount of people who waited at the church was inspiring. Seeing familiar faces and I thought, "what a small world". Through this one person, we were all connected. Childhood friends and even friends that I see at the clubs or went to school with. Uncle Ti, was a man, kind hearted and pure. His presence was calming and he was a funny and understanding person. Always so helpful, respectful and polite. As the photo slideshow along with videos played on the big screen, there was no stopping the tears that came rushing down my face and the painful lump that was in my throat. A man who was playful, who loved everything and everyone, who was gentle and wouldn't hurt a fly, didn't deserve to die so soon and so suddenly. The day was beautiful, but the occasion was gloomy. No one had an appetite. Everyone forced a smile and gave support to one another with whatever strength they had.
Uncle Ti, rest in peace. Please continue to watch over us. We all do miss you so very much. My mum acts brave but you and I both know that she's hurting inside. You're the only man who loved her more than anyone I ever known. Even my own father. Without you, she is lost. She saw happiness in you and her life was complete. Now without you, I'm not sure where she is, where her mind is, but for sure, her life is forever different without you. It's all surreal, and it's hard to adapt. Some of us took you for granted, and I'm sorry because I was one of them. Visit my mum, when you can in her dreams. She needs you ...
Wednesday, 5 July 2017
Death
I never thought I would be one of those people out there who has lost someone in their lives. I never pictured myself to be a person with a story to tell. Growing up, I had friends that come and go. Family growing bigger and bigger. I thought that I was lucky to have people in my lives and I felt sympathy to those who had someone in their lives, who are no longer here. But that all changed...
15th May 2016, I lost a childhood friend to suicide. It has been over a year and I never blogged because I simply forgot about blogging and there was not much to tell. My friend, Carmen; was a girl that woke up everyday, facing new dramas with friends or family. Dealt with rumours and argued so much with so many people. It was rare to see her happy. As I was going on about my life, making decisions that I thought were best for me, I admittedly turned a blind eye to her and her needs. Of course once in awhile I'll have a phone call with her and caught up with her, but I don't know if that made her feel better knowing she had a friend thousands of miles away (I was living in Darwin at the time). But to hear the news about her from thousands of miles away, shattered my heart. Guilty that I ignored her call and decided to nap instead when that was her sign of reaching out to me before she took her own life. If I had knew... I would have picked up and talked her out of it and she would still be here. As you read this, you can see that I blame myself a lot ... I might not be the only person she reached out to but if I wasn't, why else would she have done what she did? Sigh... anyway, it's been over a year and of course I still grieve over her. I miss her. I've learnt to not drink to the point where I'm slurring my words and my vision is upside down because I end up breaking down about her and go into a full mental breakdown.
4th July 2017, I lost another person in my life. Although, I may have taken his company for granted and didn't place him anywhere important in my life, his loss made me realize how much I should have cherished him. After Carmens passing, I moved back to Brisbane and was so focused on my friends and family and making sure to be there if I saw any signs of suicidal thoughts or depression that I didn't prepare myself if Life had just decided that this person's time was up. Uncle Ti, was my mums boyfriend. They were on and off multiple of times but he was in and out of my life ever since I was 14. He was there for me when I was going through my rebellious phase and argued with mum so much. After everything, he still welcomed my mum back into his life with opened arms and loved her like he never stopped. I never saw him as a step dad or anything but more of an adult best friend. He watched me grow and heard of my ventures trying to find myself when I moved from state to state. He would message me when I'm at my boyfriends house or on a holiday just to check up on me and see if Im doing okay. He would always remind me to come home and spend time with mum even if I'm an adult now and have responsibilities to fill. He always put my mum and my family first. He was a very kind hearted man, sweet, funny and pure. Most of all, very selfless. He was gentle; so gentle that I once found it creepy but as I grew, his presence was calming and reassuring. He died due to a car accident on Tuesday morning on his way to work. The airbags may have not activated because he suffered head injuries and died instantly, long before anyone had the time to call the ambulance. And thats what hurts the most. He must of been scared, shocked and held onto dear life with what little hope he had that he could survive this even knowing full well that he may not live. Yet he passed... I was worried for my mum more than anyone. I don't know how she reacted when she heard the news but she went missing for a few hours. With her condition, she tends to blank out and loses her memories for a few minutes when shes left under a lot of stress. On the night of his passing, she talked to her sisters and tried to find any thing she could to distract herself from believing in reality. She talked about superstitions, and Death himself was told by God that his time was up regardless if he was a good person. She made a bowl of rice, lit some candles, placed them in front of vase that had white roses in them given by my sisters best friend and said "Come home and have dinner honey". It instantly shattered my heart. Knowing that she may not have always told him to come over and have dinner but I knew in her heart, it must have pained her to say those words and watch the bowl of rice still full, and didn't expect the man she loved to come home and eat her food like he usually does.
It's all surreal to me. I thought I was string after Carmens death but still, I always feel like I can hear him come home. I feel like I can expect him to come outside and have a smoke with me and talk to me about his day and my day. I still feel like I can sense his company in this house and just see him washing the dishes or talking to my mum while she cooks. Recently, I was told my grandpa from Melbourne was in hospital for a couple of days due to a heart attack. He could have been discharged earlier but the attacks were happening frequently at night so they kept him hospitalized... he recently got out of hospital but my family down there is taking careful care for him but I can't help but fear that I am about to lose him too... Everyone around me, is dying. And I don't know if this is the way God wants me to know that I should stop being suicidal myself and appreciate life because if I died, this is how everyone will feel... but it's a cruel way to show me a lesson...
Right now, I am currently trying to stay strong, for my mum. But I haven't prayed to God like I usually do before I sleep because I don't know what to say to Him. I prayed a few weeks ago that He would provide someone for my mum who will love her and support her emotionally and the next day, shit you not, He bought Uncle Ti to her. Because I remember asking about him and she said they broke up, but next day? I saw his car and he was over, loving my mum like she was his first love. So now, I don't know what to say to God. I don't blame Him for what he did, and I don't dare question... but I can't help but feel like nothing I pray for will help my mums pain when He took Uncle Ti...
15th May 2016, I lost a childhood friend to suicide. It has been over a year and I never blogged because I simply forgot about blogging and there was not much to tell. My friend, Carmen; was a girl that woke up everyday, facing new dramas with friends or family. Dealt with rumours and argued so much with so many people. It was rare to see her happy. As I was going on about my life, making decisions that I thought were best for me, I admittedly turned a blind eye to her and her needs. Of course once in awhile I'll have a phone call with her and caught up with her, but I don't know if that made her feel better knowing she had a friend thousands of miles away (I was living in Darwin at the time). But to hear the news about her from thousands of miles away, shattered my heart. Guilty that I ignored her call and decided to nap instead when that was her sign of reaching out to me before she took her own life. If I had knew... I would have picked up and talked her out of it and she would still be here. As you read this, you can see that I blame myself a lot ... I might not be the only person she reached out to but if I wasn't, why else would she have done what she did? Sigh... anyway, it's been over a year and of course I still grieve over her. I miss her. I've learnt to not drink to the point where I'm slurring my words and my vision is upside down because I end up breaking down about her and go into a full mental breakdown.
4th July 2017, I lost another person in my life. Although, I may have taken his company for granted and didn't place him anywhere important in my life, his loss made me realize how much I should have cherished him. After Carmens passing, I moved back to Brisbane and was so focused on my friends and family and making sure to be there if I saw any signs of suicidal thoughts or depression that I didn't prepare myself if Life had just decided that this person's time was up. Uncle Ti, was my mums boyfriend. They were on and off multiple of times but he was in and out of my life ever since I was 14. He was there for me when I was going through my rebellious phase and argued with mum so much. After everything, he still welcomed my mum back into his life with opened arms and loved her like he never stopped. I never saw him as a step dad or anything but more of an adult best friend. He watched me grow and heard of my ventures trying to find myself when I moved from state to state. He would message me when I'm at my boyfriends house or on a holiday just to check up on me and see if Im doing okay. He would always remind me to come home and spend time with mum even if I'm an adult now and have responsibilities to fill. He always put my mum and my family first. He was a very kind hearted man, sweet, funny and pure. Most of all, very selfless. He was gentle; so gentle that I once found it creepy but as I grew, his presence was calming and reassuring. He died due to a car accident on Tuesday morning on his way to work. The airbags may have not activated because he suffered head injuries and died instantly, long before anyone had the time to call the ambulance. And thats what hurts the most. He must of been scared, shocked and held onto dear life with what little hope he had that he could survive this even knowing full well that he may not live. Yet he passed... I was worried for my mum more than anyone. I don't know how she reacted when she heard the news but she went missing for a few hours. With her condition, she tends to blank out and loses her memories for a few minutes when shes left under a lot of stress. On the night of his passing, she talked to her sisters and tried to find any thing she could to distract herself from believing in reality. She talked about superstitions, and Death himself was told by God that his time was up regardless if he was a good person. She made a bowl of rice, lit some candles, placed them in front of vase that had white roses in them given by my sisters best friend and said "Come home and have dinner honey". It instantly shattered my heart. Knowing that she may not have always told him to come over and have dinner but I knew in her heart, it must have pained her to say those words and watch the bowl of rice still full, and didn't expect the man she loved to come home and eat her food like he usually does.
It's all surreal to me. I thought I was string after Carmens death but still, I always feel like I can hear him come home. I feel like I can expect him to come outside and have a smoke with me and talk to me about his day and my day. I still feel like I can sense his company in this house and just see him washing the dishes or talking to my mum while she cooks. Recently, I was told my grandpa from Melbourne was in hospital for a couple of days due to a heart attack. He could have been discharged earlier but the attacks were happening frequently at night so they kept him hospitalized... he recently got out of hospital but my family down there is taking careful care for him but I can't help but fear that I am about to lose him too... Everyone around me, is dying. And I don't know if this is the way God wants me to know that I should stop being suicidal myself and appreciate life because if I died, this is how everyone will feel... but it's a cruel way to show me a lesson...
Right now, I am currently trying to stay strong, for my mum. But I haven't prayed to God like I usually do before I sleep because I don't know what to say to Him. I prayed a few weeks ago that He would provide someone for my mum who will love her and support her emotionally and the next day, shit you not, He bought Uncle Ti to her. Because I remember asking about him and she said they broke up, but next day? I saw his car and he was over, loving my mum like she was his first love. So now, I don't know what to say to God. I don't blame Him for what he did, and I don't dare question... but I can't help but feel like nothing I pray for will help my mums pain when He took Uncle Ti...
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