It seems as if Henry still doesn't understand. Not that I expect it any ways. He's a guy. Stereo typically 2 out of 10 guy who could actually understand a girls feelings. That's pretty bad. This blog isn't about Henry not understanding me and the rest of me but how he doesn't understand why he should NOT lie to me.
Now for some girls, I know when you're being lied to, you get this feeling of suspicions and you have this voice in the back of your head that when it hears a lie, it instantly says "LIES"
Henry makes it so obvious that he's lied. No one can ever lie to me because some parts of you give it away but if you think fast enough, the logic of the lie is just messed up and makes no sense.
I'm going to start telling you that night when Henry cheated.
It was a Friday night and it had been a week after I moved back into my stupid hell house. Went out with my friends and Henry had a party that night too. Fast forward. I was in the movies and we were texting throughout the advertisement. I had this feeling like something bad was going to happen and I texted him about it. Lan, (his bestfriend) texted me back saying "Don't worry. I got this" meaning he'll look after Henry. I made the worse move after that text. I texted back saying "I'm giving you my FULL trust. And you know this is hard for me to do because I have trust issues but I'm going to risk it. I trust you." Big mistake. I gave him my full trust when I wasn't ready but at the time, having a bad feeling something was going to happen, you'd give it your all as a reminder that someone you love has just gave you all her trust and it's hard for her to do so. Don't fuck it up. Fast forward a bit more. Let's just say we had an argument that night that caused me to wonder the city alone, late at night, freezing cold. Henry however never stopped me but stormed off thinking only about himself whereas, Lan chased after me. We sat outside for ages and ages until we went to hungry jacks because it was so much warmer. Soon, David came and took me back to the apartment and the boys was finding anything they could to warm me up. Blankets, Jackets and Jumpers. Even a warm cup of tea. They sat outside the balcony with me, told me their childhood stories to cheer me up. Soon Henry came back and I knew something happened. Fast forward again. I came up to him and asked him did he have a good time? His reply? "I did something that you didn't like" He then confessed to me "I hooked up with a girl" Hearing that tore my heart apart. I went outside and broke down crying. Lan, Kevin and David came out and comforted me. Soon Mishi and Kylee came out too. Little did I know that I was leaning on the shoulder of the girl Henry had hooked up with. Kylee. I found out the next night but I had to find out alone. His excuse? "I wasn't ready to tell you" Yes, I understand that you weren't ready but if you told me so then I would've gave you time. He lied to me when I asked all these questions. "Was it a peck" "Do you know her" "Will she ever contact you again?" All the answers were lies. It was more than a peck. He touched more than just her arm. And it WAS someone he knew. Everyone who knew apologized to me. I cried and cried because I was betrayed by so many. I was fighting against on my own. We then had an argument where he didn't think of how I felt but only how he felt and twisted the argument to make it about him. In the end, I apologized. I couldn't kiss him, hug him, cuddle him , not even close to touching him for a month because it haunted me. It still does now but I got past it somehow.
Foolish I was for forgiving such behaviour but I don't know why I did. I guess I just Love him that much and already seen him broke down because of Tiger's (his dog) death, I don't want to see him break down ever again, especially if it were because of me.
Again he had lied to me just then. I woke up only to find him not in the room. I looked around and couldn't find him. He then came out of the spare room and I asked what he was doing in there. His answer? "I was looking for something" My thoughts? "LIES" I soon just asked him and he admit he was going for a little masturbation. Sigh, again I was lied to and I was already sick of all the lies and all the argument he made me the bad guy, I said straight up "You need to stop lying to me. What if I lied to you everyday about everything? It really hurts. If you're going to continuously lie to me, I'm going to have to leave you" I got up and left the room, brushed my teeth and I went to blog this.
He doesn't get it. I've already been hurt to the days where it stopped me from touching him and kissing him. I cried multiple of times because of the same image. I get worried and overly attached because I'm SCARED of it happening again. I'm cautious of what I say and do just in case it leads to an argument. It's like I can't be me in this relationship but someone HE wants me to be. He doesn't understand the betrayal that night. That pain and the sleepless nights, the nights where I just break down. He would get mad if I talked about this... I feel as if I cannot speak my mind and cannot say things to make him understand me for the future without him get mad at me... Sigh... what am I doing? What have I got myself into? I need help but I won't leave him. Unless if there's a legitimate reason like, if he's cheating again.
That's what I'm dealing with now in my Love life, but I guess it's safe to say that I'm halfway there getting used to his stubborness, his immaturity, his llies, his anger, and the way he makes it all about him. But, I'm also half way there, building the courage to just leave. With or without a legitimate reason. Just that this relationship is unfair and he won't help me balance it out.
That is all.. Sigh. Still hurts though...
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