I Hate This Feeling

Sigh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm always getting this feeling as if Henry's cheating again. It's not that I tend to think this way but it just pops into my head at random times. Is it a sign? I just hate the fact that I can't be my independant self like I planned to be now because of my worries, my thoughts and this feeling as if there's something heavy on my chest. I hate the feeling where I can't even trust him the slightest bit without even trying to find a good reason why I can. I see why I should again but I'm not risking it anymore. The last few times I risked my trust, I got hurt. This would be one of the worse risk I took. Now look at me. I can't trust anyone, I can't be independant, I'm always getting jealous over the smallest things. These feelings are killing me. I can't go a day without being at Henry's side because now, I'm overly attached. I don't want to be. I hate being clingy but it can't be helped unless I trust him. Which I can't do! Because there's always going to that heaviness on my chest. There's always going to be negative thoughts going through my head, one right after another. There's always going to be late replies and overthinking.  I hate it. I wish he knew what he did. What he turned me into. I'm broken to pieces and I can't always fix myself. I hate having the 'who's he talking to? Who is he texting? Is it a girl? What if hes cheating again?' I hate all those questions who asks me and makes me want to ask him myself. But I stop myself from doing so .... because I'm afraid of hearing, reading or even seeing something I know I won't like... it kills. I die a little inside everytime he talks about his ex or mentions a girl who used to be someone to him. I can't even find myself to even believe his compliments or even believe anything he says.. I've been hurt many times but this ... this has got to be the worse. I can't even tell him because of the way he would over react or get angry at me. Without even an understanding. He says he knows it hard for me but he doesn't.  He doesn't KNOW. That is why sometimes I wish that one day, he could somehow see what it's like to be me. For a day. I'm scared and I think I might even have anxiety now because of him... I don't want that. I don't want to cry and break down at random times. I don't want to over think. I don't want anything negative inside of my mind! Everytime I have this pressure on my chest, I find it hard to breathe. I find it hard to think. I wish he knew all this. I just want him to feel it. But I don't want to leave for him to finally feel what I have been feeling. I don't want it to be the typical way. This is why I stay. This is why I give him chances after chances. So that one day, he'll wake up and realize and I'm still with him. I wish I knew what was going through his mind everyday. I want to know if I'm always on his mind. If it's me he dreams of .... I've had multiple of dreams where he cheats and doesn't care. One of them has already come true. What about the rest? Will it come true too? Should I leave before it actually happens? His favourite quote is "Dreams become Nightmares" Yes, it is true because I have expierenced it. He might think he has but no... he has no idea...  sigh, what is wrong with me...? I don't know what to do /':