Feeling Unmotivated

Okay, since Wednesday til now, I have NOT been home. Why? Simply because I don't want to be home. I've been staying at Henry's house. My mum doesn't care, just as long as I'm alive and in safe hands. I honestly didn't go to school til like I don't know 10 - 15 minutes before first lunch on Wednesday LOL Only because Henry's bed was so comfy AND I didn't have to do much in Period 1 (english) because I finished my assignment and Period 2 (art) was nothing but take photographs of our work or finish off our major piece, DONE. On Thursday was the saddest days of my life ! My 2 best friends were graduating and leaving and my dance leader who is my special friend was also graduating. I didn't cry much until 2nd break. After crew rehearsals, I saw my best friend of 5 years crying FOR THE FIRST TIME and I just bawled my eyes out when Michael, my best friend of 2-3 years came and just hugged me. I saw Lien and I ran up to her and cried as more even though I'll see her more outside of school but still! We gossip a lot at school. I didn't really cry much for my leader Aiden because I was going to see him on remix night but when we said our goodbyes, I left as early as I could because I didn't want to cry LOL. You can read the whole thing in the "Remix Night" post.

Today, I didn't go to school. I was meant to go home on Sunday but Henry and I fell asleep and I woke up at 5 to charge my phone. When it 7, I told him to wake up and take me home so I can get ready for school but he didn't want to and fell asleep and then I just fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache because I hit my head when I vogue dropped at remix. For those who doesn't know what vogue drop is, its basically dancing and then you do something that leads you to dropping on to the ground, on you back. As painful as it sounds, it isn't really painful. IF you do it right. I had several bruises too so I could hardly walk and my muscles were sore. Not going to make any excuses, I was just plain lazy as well. Anyways, during the whole afternoon I was playing GTA 5. I am addicted ! My mum called and asked why I didn't go school Friday and today. I just answered why I didn't go today and I said that I hit my head when I was performing. She said why I didn't tell her and I just replied like "I didn't want you to worry" and she just asked if I was okay. I just said I've had headaches and just a big bruise but I'll come home "tonight" and go school tomorrow. The whole night, just watched movies and played more GTA.

Lazing around just made me realize how unmotivated I was. Like, camp was coming up and I still need to pay the last payment. Henry's birthday was coming up and my semi formal party that I'm attempting to create since we don't have one this year. I'm still waiting for the job to call me in. If not anytime soon, I might just look for another job. I need money! I honestly feel the reason why I'm so unmotivated is because I'm doing VET subjects and my subjects are so chilled. The only ones I take really serious is Dance and Modern History. Modern History exam is coming up and it's about Hitler so it's fine. Should be easier than the rest from last term and the term after that LOL Sometimes though I wish I was motivated. Like fuck man, I wish I could just get that hard working, study mood to stay on for the rest of the year and turn off for holidays and turn back on when school starts again. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut it never stays. I'd have it like for 1 day or even half a day, then BOOM, gone. I think I'm really attached to Henry. Like because of him, I'm partying every weekend and have that holiday mood on all the time. Now, I'm not saying it's a bad thing but I just wish it was easy for me to just go straight home and study for history or just read a book but I can't. I just want him to be with me all the time. I guess that way, I don't feel so lonely.. Though I know people say this every year, "I'M GOING TO WORK HARD THIS YEAR, LIKE LEGIT! I CAN DO IT!" and then they never doing it. I guess I will try my hardest to keep that motivation for next year since it's my last year of high school. I want to at least get my ranking high so I can go university or to a dance school/company.

I just really need to motivate myself but I need something to help me but I don't what. When I was young, my step dad would always say "Go with the flow" and I've been doing so for 2 years. 2 years and now I feel scared that I'm going no where in life. Just in my party mood and always with my boyfriend nearly 24/7 . I want to get a job but nowadays it's hard for a girl my age to get one. My friend has applied for over 20 jobs, mostly maccas or woolworths etc all over the suburb. Richlands, Inala, Oxley etc but none has called her back. See how hard that is? I need a job asap! If I can get one, then maybe that will be something to motivate me and if I could make crew leader for next year then maybe I'll be working my ass off ! I've have waaaaaay too much freedom and time. I want to use it but not for the same things all over again. Like yeah, some people would want to be me, partying, not having strict parent/s, and can do whatever I want but sometimes I want to busy with books and school or work. For once.. Starting tomorrow I'm going to go straight home, and just take a shower, face mask, get fit, read and hit the books or the net for my history exam. If I can do this and survive 3 days like this as a routine, then I should be used to it. I'll blog somewhere during my afternoon and hopefully I can do this. Wish me luck! (: x