2015

It's currently December and Christmas is a few weeks away! Damn, has time flew by...

With this reality,  I've had time to reflect this year. 

2015, has been one hell of a year for me. A lot of things happened and thinking about it, only feels like they happened a few days ago. When 2015 started, it was hell for me. I hated where I was, where I stood, and everything that happened to me. I was convince that the year would already get worse. I made an irrational move to Melbourne. I sort of regretted it but at the same time I didn't.  Melbourne is where I was born but it didn't feel like "home" to me. It was easy getting used to and til this day, I haven't explored much outside of the city or the west side where I live. 

Being alone in Melbourne made me realize a lot of my stupid choices I made. I was so fed up with being alone that I accepted I was going to be alone forever haha. I was heart broken, I spent most of my days doing nothing, spent all night thinking, and just tried to find someone to love and it didn't even matter who. Until they fucked me over lol. I was emotionally wrecked. I spent so much time by myself that I was on the verge of insanity. Let me tell you something, giving yourself a lot of time alone makes you think of things that instantly makes you regret it. I was putting myself down so much and I have never wanted to change back time so bad. Now I find myself hating a lot of people for either taking my kindness for granted, used my kindness as a weakness, used my loneliness for a chance to dig out information to spread rumours, used my depression as an excuse for drama and using me for whenever they needed me but left me hanging and toying with my feelings. I hated this year, up to the point when I had friends come down to visit, I felt like staying home and wished they weren't here. 

But things got better. Towards the last half of the year, Brenton, my current boyfriend made it seem like they weren't problems anymore. When I met him, I honestly thought he was another guy who's going to fuck me over so I didn't put effort in talking to him or anything. However, one night I couldn't sleep and I found myself dialling his number. His company was soothing and he wasn't so bad as a friend. The thing that made me realize that he was different was 1. He was my fan boy HAHAHA as he admitted one day. 2. After hearing about my life, from the beginning when my depression started, he listened all the way through and to my surprise, he broke down. He cried so hard that I could hear him gasping for air. I honestly didn't know what to do. Day by day, he was the only thing I looked forward to. He made me look forward to the next day. Little by little I developed feelings and I never wanted to accept them but as my visit to Brisbane the 2nd time, I found myself one night, wishing so bad that he was there with me. And that's when I let those feelings in and I don't regret it. 

So 2015 has been hectic. I've learnt to express my anger and cut loose of all those who hurt me and betrayed/used me. I'm still in progress of working on myself and that's been my focus ever since Brenton.  However, the down part is, when I express my anger,  they are all from holding it in for so long because I was too nice to yell at someone or confront someone. So releasing all the anger I held in never gave me the satisfaction because there are some people I want to just message and tell them how fucked I am because of them but I can't do that lol. Stirring something up for no reason, especially something that happened long ago and I don't want them to know that they ruined my life. I have been really sensitive now and it frustrates me because I used to be considered a strong person. I have my break downs here and there. Also for the first time, I had my first anxiety attack. And by first, I mean, it was intense. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I was shaking, twitching and basically insane haha. 

2016, please be a good year x 

Chances

So, there’s an “issue” that came up. This “issue” seems to be bothering a certain group of people (mostly ex’s) and this “issue” is about me and chances. 

Now that seems to be such a big problem, I might as well make a statement on this blog because I know some of you nosy people keep track of what I blog and use it to judge me.

Now, I’ve heard that I have been “selfish and unfair” when it comes to giving people chances. Whether it is one or two. The words “selfish and unfair” seem to be the words that are used to describe me. I heard a few, I guess you could say, rumors on what my ex boyfriend’s and some people who are acquainted with them had to say about me and the amount of chances they gave me compared to the chances I gave them. Something along the lines of,

“Anne was unfair on what she did. I gave her so many chances and when I tried so hard to ask for a second chance, she’d say no. It was a waste of effort to be honest.”

Or

“It was a selfish thing she did, unfair even because you gave her so many chances and she never gave you any.”

Well dear readers, I’m going to take the time out of my life to explain MY POINT OF VIEW on why I’m being “selfish and unfair” with my chances.

When I agreed to date you and be your significant other, that is already the first chance I had given to you; vise versa. This was the chance for us to make each other happy, give this relationship a try and see how we go. We saw each other, we were interested, we took it slow, made it official and off to the honeymoon stage. Yes it was all fun and games until we grew comfortable. Once we were comfortable, arguments occurred, obstacles – big and small appeared out of nowhere and disagreements seemed to be a bigger problem than we’d expect. Throughout the downs, we solved them all. But as time went by, obviously, arguments were more intense, obstacles were harder to get around, and disagreements were made by nearly everything. Despite this, I for one had learnt from them. What to do and what not to do. I don’t know about all of you but remembering the arguments, they were all bought up by you and they were always over the same thing. Regardless how many times we fought over the same stupidly small thing, I never gave up. I held on because at the time, I loved you. Yes, I was angry but never to the point where I wanted to leave. Growing up, I was taught to never break your relationship out of anger because it’d only lead to regret. I knew that if I left out of anger, I would regret it and it’d be a long and painful ride to win you back. However, none of you saw that or even understood that. Countless of times, you all left me out of anger. Yes I remember them all because quite frankly, most of them were either in public or had me cutting over (stupid, I know). The embarrassment and the scars remind me nearly every night. That is why I begged and begged, chased and chased, tried and tried to reason with you in giving me another chance every time you broke it off.

Once you gave me the chances, time and time again, that is when I started to learn. In learning, I meant sacrificing a lot of myself in order for you to love me and never risking the chance of losing you again. I gave up my education, my family by running away from them and arguing with them when all they wanted was to spend time with me or have me stay home for once instead of going to see you, my friends by hardly hanging with them OUTSIDE of school and of course, my self worth. No, you never asked me to give these up but because of all the subjects we argued over, I felt as if I needed to give you 100 percent of my dedication and attention. When I asked for chances, I went out of my way, stayed up all night, waiting for the sun to rise so I can bus it to your place and see you, I bought up memories and talked about my dreams for the both of us, reminded you on how much I love you, how much you mean to me and how much I care for you – even what I would be like without you (which at the time, nothing and lost). I cried and waited patiently outside your door for you to wake up so we could talk. Many times I was at the verge of giving up but still held on. I went on my FUCKING KNEES – even when one of you commanded me to. Stupidly admitting to this, yes I did that because at the time, I was so afraid to lose you. From then on, I completely lost myself trying to satisfy you and be who you wanted me to be.

Now to explain why I never gave any of you chances after the first or second is well, truth is … I realized A LOT of things. Funny enough, I never intended to break up with any of you. I wanted to sit you down and talk to you about it and hoped that it would change a few things and we’d continue to be together. But unfortunately, all of you pushed me over the limit where I couldn’t find any more reason to hold on and work it out or to put effort in for it to be continued. See, the thing is there would be times when you would be gaming (which funny enough, all of you did), I would have nothing to do. Sure I had anime and tv shows but there was a time where I ran out of things to watch – in saying that, I caught up with them all and waiting for the next season release. I took my free time to actually talk to my friends and plan occasions with them. Being away from you sucked, but then again, being with my friends made me realized how much fun I was having and how happy I was. It gave me the chance to reflect on the relationship. I reflected on where I am now, what we’ve been through, and of course, my happiness with you. Unfortunately, I wasn’t happy. Fair enough I was at the start of the relationship but like I said earlier, arguments changed you and the amount of efforts you were putting in for us compared to me. I realized that I had given more to you than you have for me. Sure it wasn’t gifts but logically, I gave you my time, my affection, my appreciation, my support and my attention. You on the hand had stopped most of those things. You all used to be supportive with my depression until it got really bad and you all made it worse. Yelled at me, called me a sook, drama queen, and took the chance to bring up my faults that I had done to you – some how making this all about you and what I have done wrong, leading into an argument.

Yes in the past you complimented me but then, you stopped paying attention to my new clothes or new hairstyle/colour and complimented me with the same line: “You look beautiful/cute babe” or “yeah it suits you babe” WITHOUT taking your eyes off the computer screen or only giving me a half a second glance. Suddenly, you all started to put me down on my personality, how I pronounce things that used to be “cute and unique” to you and now “weird and annoying”. You all judged me on my choice of clothes; that I was showing “too much legs”, the way I laughed and even how I eat. Slowly you all just judged me and put me down; making me feel less confident. From telling you my past and that sometimes the rumors aren’t true; that I am NOT who they say I am and you trusting me – saying you’ll “support” me and at least you know the truth to bringing up my past and using it against me, questioning my every word, losing trust in me FOR NO REASON. Yes, I cheated ONCE, not THREE TIMES. I was 13 at the time and I could say that I didn’t know any better. I was young and foolish – NO I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES. But I proved to you that I was loyal did I not? Of course you wouldn’t notice because I realized that you took me for granted. Breaking up with me over the tiniest thing just to hurt me and know full well that I was going to chase you – giving you the satisfaction for your own ego. When I broke it off this time or you broke it off – I stopped chasing and obviously decided not to give you a chance because,

1. I realized my self worth.

2. I realized you were taking me for granted

3. You realized that I know you were taking me for granted

4. You were afraid to be alone after months and months of affection, attention, support and dedication I gave you

5. You understood what the saying “You never know what you had until it’s gone” meant but never thought it’d happen to you because in your eyes, I was naïve and blind and that I would never leave because I’d always come crawling back.

So in saying this, I never gave you the chances you deserved because I was afraid you’d take me for granted again. I never gave you the chances because I knew my self worth and that I was NOT happy with you. I didn’t leave out of anger, not once. You repeatedly left out of anger because you knew I was going to crawl back anyway – but sadly enough, not this time. This is my side of the story. I hope you’re all thinking twice about judging someone without knowing their point of view/side.

[One last thing. One of you (not going to say who) cheated on me and I gave you a chance to earn my trust – especially when I asked for the truth and you lied to my face. Yet somehow, it was you who didn’t trust me when I never cheated and blindly, I tried so hard to earn your trust for something that couldn’t be helped or you believed in the stupid and ridiculous rumors of your girlfriend. So much for being “supportive and trusting” And to the other one of you – You developed feelings for your “best friend” and told me “not to worry” about her when you had her photo on your laptop and phone – and lock screen, using the excuse that “she was your best friend”. Even when I ratted you out with the lies of where you were and whom you were with AND GAVE YOU THE CHANCE to earn my trust. Thinking of it now, you must have cheated too. So maybe stop being hypocrites and actually open your thick-headed skull, narrow minded brains to who is actually unfair and selfish with the chances here.]

Done.

Melbourne Weather

For the last few days, Melbourne's weather has been hectic weird ._. One day it'd be nice and sunny (not warm or anything but still sunny) and the next day it'd be very gloomy - sometimes even a bit of rain or raging winds. It's be on and off nowadays and I don't know how I feel about it ._. obviously I don't like the cold, but whether it be sunny or not, it's still cold. I hate it most when it's gloomy, raining and windy as fuck. That's when I just want to throw a brick at the sky but lol, no effect if I do that. People keep saying that Summer in Melbourne is really hot. I really fucking hope so because I'd rather the heat than the cold. Really starting to hate to cover myself in layers of clothes when I go out and when I shop, there's always summer or spring clothes on sale and when I want to buy it - I was think. "When will I ever wear this? It's too cold for it" so good bye nice clothes :( I really miss wearing skirts, dresses or shorts because I'm just that type of person. Really hating to wear long pants all the time. AND OMG MY LEGS ! I miss having to shave them and feeling them on silky stuff because it's smoooooooth as fuck ! I really like my legs and really confident in them, so it sucks when I can't show them off ;D LOL so fingers crossed - summer would super hot !

Hate It, But Kind Of Like It

Do you ever get those days where you just don't want to do anything? Like, you've been in bed all day, scrolling through every social media on your phone and you're just not in the mood for anything? Even when you've checked all your notifications and all, you're just doing it to distract yourself from thinking? Once you've had enough of social media, you just want to turn off your phone and just listening to music. Not even that, but you just want to lie in silence, no music, no texting or anything. You want to think but you know if you let your mind go wild, it'll lead to something depressing or you're just going to over think?

- Yeah, that's me right now. I don't mind having these days. I guess it's just another depression. But sometimes, I hate being left alone. When I'm left alone, every second of the day, all I think about is things I can never change. Sometimes I think back to my lifestyle and my actions, the things I wish I could do things differently; act differently. Sometimes even, I think about my interactions with people and how much they've really fucked me over. I almost feel sorry for myself and actually realize how pathetic and naive I was. Sometimes, I just want to go back and slap some sense into myself or even just let the people know how much they've fucked me over. But what good is that? That's only going to let them know that I'm struggling and giving them that satisfaction that they've ruined apart of me. I don't mind the peace that I get when I'm alone. I don't mind that my phone isn't blowing up with useless conversations or conversations with people who only need me when they're down. But the thing that get to me most is that, I've come to realized how many people are starting to disappear in my life. The people who I used to be so close with only talk to me when they want to know how my life is now or any updates for them. I'm flattered that people want to know about my life - but I realize that the more I tell them, the more shit they will go on telling other people. Like my boring life is yet another part to judge. How do you judge something that isn't even bad?

There's this one problem that always brings me to tears or straight up ruin my mood is that I know what I'm worth to my best friend. I haven't seen him in what? 3-4 weeks now? And I used to miss hanging with him. I used to be the one to ask to hang out. But with the situation of his girlfriend not liking how he hangs with me too much and text me too much or even coming to me for advice - it's made it so difficult to see him or talk to him. I can sit here and name every time he's cut our hangouts short or completely ditched me to see his girlfriend. I don't mind it. I completely understand, but the fact that they see each other every day. They work at the same place. They Skype every night. It's like one second away from each other is the end of the world. It's gotten up to the point where I can't even be bothered to ask to hang out because I know for a fact that if we took photos together on his camera, he'd have to delete it because his girlfriend will find it and give him shit for being with me. It's gotten up to the point where he has to hide me - his best friend; like as if I'm the side chick. She's like what? 20? 21? And she can't let go of the fact that me and him were INTERESTED in each other back in 2010. We never dated or anything. We had interest in each other but we drifted. We stopped talking for awhile and finally, FINALLY, I moved here and we got to finally meet each other for the first time and catch up. She can't let that shit go. I don't care that she gets shitty at me for hanging with him or texting him, but what I do care about is the fact that he's always said he doesn't want to put his relationship before his friendships - that he wants to balance it out. You're doing such a great job aren't you?
We used to text heaps, every time we hang out, we go with the flow and we have such a good time. We laugh til we're in tears and we're just always mucking around. We admit that we've missed each other and having moments like this but, I know how much I'm worth in his life. To be able to hide me from his girlfriend. To ditch me for his girlfriend. Nothing worse than feeling abandoned by your best friend.

I don't know ... I hate these types of nights.

Brisbane Visit

9th July 2015 

Oh have I waited so long for this day. On this day, I headed off back to my home, BRISBANEEEE ! Although it was only for 4 days and 3 nights, it was a trip to remember. If I knew I was going to have that much fun on this trip, I would have booked to stay longer but unfortunately, I can't see my future so ... but still, I had so much fun. Originally I was visiting for H O C (House of Champions); a dance competition which bought back so much memories when I used to be on that stage only just a year ago. I came back on Thursday and as soon as I landed, Jennifer, Lily, Jasmin and I went late night shopping at Indooroopilly haha I was tired but never wanted to waste a single ounce of time I had.

I shopped for so much. i hardly even wore the clothes that I packed :L Should think of that the next time I visit. Money well spent though :D 

10th July 2015

On Friday night, I went to go eat dinner and catch up with 2 of my friends, Carmen and Tina and I guess I met someone I knew of, Jennaye. First, Jennifer and I went shopping some more in the city before heading off to Sunnybank. We went to eat Korean BBQ and Jennaye dropped us off at Sakuraya and we went to see Britney. Another friend I was meant to hang but she was working but she gave us free ice cream :D she's so sweet. We chilled for a bit and then headed off to karaoke which oh my gosh, we sung our lungs off. Barely got any air lol but it was a fun night. With the remaining of the night, we just mucked around and of course, took pictures in awkward places for the lighting :P We headed home and it was a good night. Better than expected. 

(Forgot to mention that I stayed with Jennifer the whole time since she's my wifey <3)

11th July 2015

On this day, oh the day has finally arrived. HOUSE OF CHAMPIONS. Jennifer and I met up with Lily and Chantelle to eat some lunch before heading off to House of Champions. We ate at Bull Bar, ARGH the best korean restaurant ever. I love it. Then we headed to Southbank to meet up with Sophia and Ye Lin and off we went to House Of Champions. I remember the long walk we had to walk last year and who knew we had to walk that long, tiring path again. Lily and I were the only ones out of breath LOL we are so unfit. However we reached our destination and met up with the dance crew and said our hellos and wished them goodluck. Honestly, the generation is getting better and better at dancing it just hurt my feelings how much I missed dancing so much. After that, we met up with Jasmin and EJ and some of us went our ways. Jennifer, Lily, Jasmin, EJ and I went to meet up with my friend Germen and went to go eat at Grill'd. After that we went to karaoke and oh my jeezus, we were sweating, out f breath and basically lost our voices for a little awhile. We headed off to pool and Jennifer, Lily, Jasmin and EJ headed home first. I stayed with Germen longer since I needed to catch up with him. He's such a humble friend. We went to Southbank and I showed him my spot. We sat and just talked and talked. The night was cold but nice :) We cabbed it back to Jennifer's house and he took the same cab to go home. He's so sweet. Making sure I got home safe. For that I am so grateful. Jennifer, Jasmin and I got at least 2 or 3 hours of sleep before heading off to the airport. They were coming to Melbourne with me for a KPOP concert :) 

We met up with my sister at the airport whom was coming back to Melbourne for a hospital appointment. 

12th July 2015

So we landed and cabbed it back to my home. Dropped off our stuff and straight to the city we went. I know I know, busy busy. We met up with Jay and Allan and we ate another Korean restaurant and argh, so good. OPPA was the place. Good and cheap too LOL. It started to rain ... HARD and we just did not even care after awhile. We went around to alley way for photos and graffiti seeking. We were all drenched but I got soaked the most since I was wearing thin layers. More and more photos and the girls went to the concert. Allan went home and Jay DITCHED ME for his girlfriend. Understandable. I got to facetime my B for awhile (will mention about this in the next blog). The girls came back and Jay decided to stay with his girlfriend (that cunt) and we went to go eat Nandos. Headed home and showered. We were dead tired haha. 

13 July 2015

On this day, the girls packed for their flight in the arvo. We went to the city again and it was cold but it wasn't raining. We walked around mostly and just ate and explored. I can't remember much or - well say much cause we literally just walked around. Jay and I cabbed it with them to the airport and on the way I saw an AUDI R8 ! If you guys don't know what car that is, you are not living ... HAHA kidding, nah, It's my favourite, all time favourite car and will one day achieve it. (*crosses fingers to win lottery) Google it. At the airport we took our last pictures and they headed off :( Jay and I cabbed it back to my place, since I live 15 minutes away from Tullamarine airport and he took the train from my place back to the city for work. I ended napping when I was suppose to unpack :L 

So here we are, that was my Brisbane visit. Hope to come and visit again soon ! If not - they're joining me for SYDNEY STEREOSONIC ! WHOOOP <3

A Trip To The Hospital

Yesterday, I woke up and was shot with an unbearable pain. Followed by an uncomfortable sickness, feeling the need to vomit. I honestly thought it was something I ate. I thought I had food poisoning but boy was I wrong. I've had food poisoning before and it was nothing like this. After trying to vomit a couple of times, I succeeded when I threw up white, airy and watery looking thing. It left a burning pain in the throat so I assume it was sort of acid. My pain was in the stomach and it shifted to the bladder where the real pain started. My liver, kidneys and lower back was also in pain. How do I describe this pain? Hm, well imagine having cramps but at the same time, the bladder was being stabbed and twisted whilst the lower back, kidneys and liver were constantly being punched.

I was shaking, twitching and finding it hard to breathe. My heart felt like it stopped beating for 1 second then continued to beat but really hard and fast. Like it was skipping a beat. I was in bed, curled up in a ball, clenching my bladder and trying to breathe. I tried calling my mum and dad but after a few calls and no one picked up I laid there and felt like I was going to die. I couldn't walk and every time I did, my legs would fail to hold me. I was very light headed and my face very pale. I kept feeling the need to vomit but it was so hard to when there was nothing to throw up. Finally, after giving my dad another call, he picked up. I blurted the words out about how much pain I was in and I could hear the panic in his voice. He told me to hang in there and he was coming home as fast as he can. Again, I was lying there, begging for help even when no one was home. It was hard to stay awake when I was falling into unconsciousness. My dad called again to inform me that he called an ambulance so make sure I stay awake to open the door for them. When they finally arrived, the paramedics were friendly and calm. They even tried to make jokes here and there. I wanted to laugh but every time I did, the bladder would give a sharp twisting pain. I left the house with no shoes on and I regret not bringing a pair. In the ambulance, I was asked a lot of questions. My parents friends who lived a few houses down saw the ambulance and stopped us at once to make sure that I was okay. When I arrived at the hospital, they gave me pain killers and panadol  They pain didn't really stop but it was a come and go. Although I felt so dizzy, I was able to walk. They told me to give them a urine sample but I couldn't pee since I didn't have enough liquid in me.

My dad finally arrived and he gave me the biggest hug and blurted so many questions. He was about to cry which I didn't want to see. I was fine by the time he came. Eventually, after being forced by my dad to drink a bottle of water, I went to pee. Gave them my sample and they took 2 full tubes of my blood. I was there since 1:30 pm and didn't get to go home til 8:30 pm. My brothers and my mum came by too to make sure I was okay. I was taken into the rooms to have my organs examined. The doctors said I was fine but they needed more blood so they pricked my finger and took more blood. By then, I was again, light headed from all the blood they took. The doctor said that I had a urine infection and it was very common for us females. And I was running low on sugar so my body was very fragile. I was given anti-biotics but I have to come back to see if any bugs were detected in my urine. If yes, then they'll give me a different kind of anti-biotics if not then I stick to the one I have now.

So ladies, if you have experienced this but haven't seeked medical attention, I suggest you do so. But a little heads up they all women will go through this since it's very common so don't freak out when it happens. Just fear the pain. I am all well, but the pain strikes every now and then but it's bearable.

Sad Truth

So today, I was out at the city with my really good friend Jaymond. I've been out with him a lot this past week but we both needed the days to just chill. Tonight, it was Korean Pop Festival. To be honest, I thought it'd be just people dancing to Kpop and they will be selling Kpop souvenirs. I thought I could buy my friends something but turns out it was just a kpop contest lol. So it wasn't as fun. I met Jaymond's uni friends and they all were very nice and fun. It was very easy to get along with them. It was honestly a fun night. Probably the one of the best nights I had so far. So I had every reason to be going to bed happy, tired and positive. Instead, when I got home, I felt shitty. I guess coming home from a very good day, it just reminded me of my issues and problems. Being out of the house and surrounded by friends, it distracted me from what was really happening. I didn't have to worry about anything when I was out. Only the struggles of keeping myself warm but that's about it. Until I got home, my mind just reminded me of what was really happening. Then I just had this rush of pain, shitty, empty feeling and now I'm lying in bed, listening to a very depressing song and letting out heavy sighs every now and then.

Every night, I feel like I want to cry but I can never cry. Like a few tears here and there but the urge to cry is still there. I've been feeling like this for the past few weeks now and I'm just so tired of it to be honest. I just want to be happy for once. Wake up happy and go to bed happy. With no problems to think about or anything. But every time I try to stay positive, it's like life is saying "yeah nope. Let me punch you in the face with reality" and fuck, I get k.o'ed every time. No matter how many good times I go through during the day. Weather it be with the family or friends,  at the end of the day, I get this depressing feeling cause everything I was supposed to think of during the day comes flooding through my mind when I have the chance to be alone and that's when I'm in bed starring at the pitch black ceiling.  Someone, please just take all this pain away ...

Been Awhile

I AM BACK !! It has been a really really long time since I last blogged. Reason being is that I don't have any wifi at home. Yes I know, how do I live without wifi? Well, surprised myself to be honest haha. But the only time I am able to blog is if I risk using my data on my phone which I did once for my last blog but it was such a pain typing a whole heap on a phone -.- So what has been up with my life?

Not much to be honest. Melbourne being the same as always. Though it is getting colder and when I say it's cold, it is bloody cold. The coldest Melbourne night has ever been was 3 degrees. Yeah, I know. I barely survived that night. It was too cold to even fall asleep. Having to wear 2 jumpers, stockings along with my track pants and socks and having 2 blankets to sleep with was not even god enough. My house doesn't have aircon or heaters. We have only one and that's outside in the kitchen. The rooms have nothing. So if this is how cold it gets for only Autumn, I don't know how cold it will be when Winter comes. Think I will be frozen solid lol. OMG that just reminded me on how cold the toilet seat would be ... FML. Apart from that, nothing special has actually happened yet. Nothing new, nothing special. Been normal ever since. Cold and boring.

Will update if any good finally happens.

Away for Far Too Long

It's been 2 months since I've been here in Melbourne. And being here away from my friends and family, I've missed them. But nothing kills me more than being away from my little brother, Ken. Isn't he cute? He's a ball of joy. Although he's only half related to me, I still feel as if he's full blood related to me. I have 2 other half brothers here, Ryan and Kyle, I love them. It's good to have gotten to know them and they're thrilled to know that they have 2 older sisters. But Ken, my love for him is much stronger. This being because I grew up with him. I've watched him grow since birth.  My only regret was that I was never there for him. I put my (at the time, boyfriend) before my family. I regret that I never got to watch him grow more. I was selfish and never thought of him when I decided to move out. And now, I miss him like crazy. He's turning 8 this year and I wish I was with him everyday.  Oh gosh, I miss him so much. Brings me to tears that it's going to be a back and forth trip to just see him. I only fear that in the future, I might be too busy to visit. I think of him everyday and wish that I could hear is voice and see him just chilling with me in my room. Get to see his silly facials and hear him complain or even tell me stories from school. I wish I had the money to see him this Easter holidays and I fear that I won't be able to make it for his 8th birthday. Brings tears to my eyes when I think of how far he is and how I was never there for him. And even if I want to be there for him now, I can only be there from so far away. I miss watching him grow, laugh, talk and just miss having him there. Ken, I'm so sorry that I was never there with you. I'm sorry for being a selfish sister and left you alone with mum when she needed me there with you. I love you baby brother. I have loved you since the day you came into this world. And there will be no reason for me to stop loving you. I miss you so much... I promise to be there for you when I can. And to those who have younger siblings, love them. Cherish them. Even when they can be a pain in the arse, you will never be able to see them someday. You never know when is the next time you get to see them when you're busy with your own lives. Take it from someone who never got to see him in months and finally saw one last time before leaving. I wish you well Ken and continue to be the ball of joy that you are for Andy (my step dad). I'll see you soon baby brother <3 Mum and Chi Ba (2nd eldest sister) love you and we all miss you. I love you little one xo

Melbourne Update Part 2

Okay, so I haven't really gotten the chance to update my life here in Melbourne. Last time I updated was maybe when it was my 3rd day there? I don't know, I can't remember haha. But I'll notify you readers my life here at 5th week.

So, what has been going on? Honestly, not much to be honest LOL. I've experiemced my first time clubbing here. And there I met new friends. All older than me of course thanks to my friend Melissa but I didn't mind. They were very welcoming when they heard that I moved from Brisbane and it was my first time clubbing. It wasn't so bad. Took a while for me to get the vibe up. I guess I was nervous. HAHA even a party animal can get nervous sometimes :L However, we all met a totally random person and he's now my friend. Only a year older than me and his name is Jason Cheah. He's a pretty cool guy. Completely different from the clubs LOL. Ever since then, we've been hanging out every now and then and been texting daily since day one. Don't worry guys, we're nothing more but friends. Second time clubbing? Oh man, did I get smashed :L I can't remember much but I went to Bond. Same managers as Alumbra, my first club. OH! How could I forget? I went to Tinashe's performance before Alumbra. Best first bar experience EVER. If you guys don't know who she is, I bet you'd know if you searched up the song "2 On" and your mind will click. Anyway, courtesy to my friend Melissa who bought me a ticket as a belated birthday present. THANK YOU MELISSA ! Anyway, not much has been happening since my second time of clubbing. I've been home mostly, doing chores, you know, house work. Keeping myself busy so I don't get lazy. Been trying to keep the motivation vibe up on a standard level since I'm all inspiration but no motivation HAHA! I caught up with a friend who I knew about, 5 or 6 years ago and finally got to meet him in real life. I remember telling him each year I was visiting but it slipped my mind. Whoops HAHA! His name is Jaymond Rosales. He's been the same as always. Well from the last time we talked. He would be one of my closest friends here :) we're the type of friends who just click. Muck around in the city and talk about a situation that we both have in common but slightly different but yeah, it's personal.

I've gotten used to Melbourne. I know how to catch the train to and from the city. I sort of know where everything is but I really never have the chance to really explore. Maybe because there really isn't much here in Melbourne to explore? I don't know but that's what people are telling me so... my life has been sort of rough. But at the same time, it's easy? Maybe the best way to put it is easy by day, but rough by night. Because it's just me and my thoughts, you know? I've claimed for centerlink and been seeking jobs. There are surprisingly a lot of places that are hiring. I've been to places in Melbourne which reminded me of shops back in Brisbane. Such as High Point, sort of like Mt Ommaney. Westgardens, sort of like Garden City but which ever you see it, Brisbane shops are better. Believe me. HAHA! Weather is like how everyone says it is. 4 seasons in a day. Though I find that the days here pass by a lot quicker than in Brisbane. Which I can't get used to HAHA. I plan to come back for a visit in May. Maybe for about a week :) make up for the birthdays I've missed of my closest friends. They all want to go clubbing and being the eldest of them all, I guess I have no choice but to show them what I've experienced :P I keep in contact with 2 or 3 people but they're just the closest friends like Jennifer, of course. Lily, ever now and then and Josh but I don't think I can keep in contact with Josh. We're not very close anymore. I'm excited to visit. Just because I know where everything is and theres always something to do HAHA. Jaymond might join me and I'm keen ro show off the place where I was raised :P

So I guess that's it? I mean, I'd update my love life but even I haven't sorted that out yet haha. But I can say that I've been single for about 5 months now. Longest I've ever been single and I'm sort of enjoying it but mostly getting used to it. Aaaand, I'm waiting for someone :) that's all I can say for now :P Until next time!

xo

Melbourne Update

Yesterday I landed in Melbourne at 12:20 in the afternoon. I was pretty nervous to be honest. My 2 bestfriends Josh and Jennifer went with me to the airport and waited until I took off. I was feeling shit the whole way because I didn't want to leave. Honestly, walking through that gate and onto the plane, it was heart breaking. I was looking back every now and then to wave goodbye to Josh and Jennifer, The lump in my throat was building up but I tried really hard to hold back the tears. As soon as I walked through the plane, one last look at them and I went through, Found my seat and just took my book out to keep me distracted. Tears were flowing like crazy but I had to hold it in. I read my book the whole through and tried to sleep but it was way too cold to do that. Once I landed, it was so hot. I made my way through easily. Melbourne airport is very VERY simple. My sister, my brother in law (sallys boyfriend) and my dad were waiting for me. Once we got my suitcases, we went to go visit mum at her workplace. It was a very far drive and my sister and I just started talking about Melbourne. She filled me in with the family. We ate at the coffee club after visiting mum and hell was that expensive ! Then we went home to drop off my suitcases and headed over to my aunts, I met the family and they all spoke english so thank god for that because I'm not very good at speaking my language. We chilled and I was dead tired. We went home around 4:30 and then I just got dressed and got comfortable with my bed. I went to take a nap and woke up around 10:30. Only because Josh called me and woke me up. As soon as I heard his voice, the lump in my throat was back. I couldn't hold it back so I let it go. Tears flowed out of my eyes like crazy. I was very homesick. I really wanted to just go back to Brisbane. He tried to comfort me and told me to stay strong. It was really hard for me to be honest. I came very close to just giving up and book a ticket back home, Eventually, Josh talked me out of it and I stayed calm. I took a nice hot shower to calm myself and then we skyped the whole night. I miss him.

Today, it was a very productive day. I woke up and decided to unpack. Clean, do my laundry and everyone else's laundry. My grandma came to visit and she was very emotional. My room is huge. So is my bed. It feels weird to have such a huge bed to myself. I always had a single but I have a double to myself. I washed the dishes and cleaned basically the whole house. It kept me distracted to be honest. I'm starting to get used to where I am. I like the way that I'm home with the family. I got sick as soon as I landed because of the temperature change but I'm feeling better now. Except for the runny nose and the continuous sneezing. I'm going clubbing next Saturday after Tinashe's concert which is pretty awesome. I've longed for this family feels but I only wished that it was in Brisbane where my friends could just come over to chill. My house is huge. Very spacious. It would have been perfect for a party haha. I'm excited for Josh to come next month. He misses me so much he can't wait to see me in May so he decided to come here in March for about a week. Where I live reminds me of where I used to live in Joshs house. The stars aren't as bright over here. And the weather is so weird. One minute it's hot then it's cold. I need to get used to this haha. My sickness will be on and off LOL. If I have time tomorrow, I'll take photos of the house, inside and out just to give you guys the idea of where I live. Until tomorrow.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the day. The day that I finally leave Brisbane. Just listening to this song makes me break down into tears. I made so many memories here, so many friends and closer friends who I can call family. I lost many but I gained more. It breaks my heart to say goodbye to everyone. To let everyone go and to only be attached to the memories that I made. Honestly there is way too many memories to remember all at once. It hurts so much to think about all the people I'm going to leave behind. Of course I will miss everyone I knew. Even the ones that drifted away. Everyone wished me a safe flight and a happy life in Melbourne. It's heartbreaking to think from 47 days to only 1 more day. I remember there were times when I was down, I couldn't wait to realize that there was only one more day but spending my birthday with my friends, I realize that I'm leaving forever. It isn't a holiday. I'm actually moving and starting a new life in a completely different state. Who knows when I'll be back to be honest. I only wish the best for my friends who I graduated with ...  I'll miss them forever and not a day that I won't :') 

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday to me !

Today I turn the big one-eight. I'm so excited.  Of course I'm having a party and I'm as keen as ever. The fact that I'm finally legal to buy whatever I want and whenever I want. I'm excited to spend my last birthday in Brisbane before I head off to a new life, in a new state. All though I have been in a complete mess for the last few days, I can't think of anything better than to be celebrating one of the biggest age in my life with the people who I shared most of my life with. It's been tough and really rough here in Brisbane but I feel like this last party, I will be refreshed and ready to move on. It's sad, of course to leave behind my childhood and so much history of my life was recorded here but everyone needs to start somewhere if they want to achieve their dreams. I can't wait to be reunited with all my friends again and leave Brisbane with good memories. I only hope that nothing happens that'll ruin my day. I know I'll get really emotional when I'm drunk, only because I'm leaving. If anything, I won't regret bursting into tears for my friends because I love them like they were my family. It just shows how much I love them and how much I will miss everyone. So, today is my day. I'm excited and very anxious because I'm an adult now. After this night, I'll be a grown adult. I'll achieve my goals and try to be motivated for as long as I can. With the support and help from my family, I should be able to stick to my goals. It'll get tough, I know but mistakes happen and lessons are in need to be learnt. My hearts beating so fast, I'm so excited! It's about time that I have the spotlight for once. And I don't mind that it's on my birthday. I thank God for giving me this precious life when I was planned to be aborted. I only ask for forgiveness when I was in doubt and thought about ending my life so many times. I thank my parents for raising me, especially my mum who had to put up with my selfishness all these years. I want to make her proud now and I will. I thank all my friends for guiding me to the right path everytime I was lead astray. Whether our connections may be lost or is not as strong as it used to be but I am grateful for the memories and lessons I was taught. I thank everyone for making me the person I am today. I am going to enjoy this day to the fullest ! :)

A Complete Mess

Lately, I've been in such a mess. I guess it's because of being alone. I've always been alone to be honest. I've been single for about 4 months now? And it's something I'm not used to. I'm so used to having a relationship right after another, so I don't know how to cope. I got lead on and fucked over by 3 guys in the last month or so. And let me tell you, it fucking hurts. I'm in the process of getting over the recent one. It's harder than the last two because I live with this one. He was my best friend. At first we were very back and forth with our feelings. I would develop feelings for him at the wrong time, then he would do the same. So our timing would be very off. Until very recently, we confirmed our feelings and we decided that we'll take it slow. It was going very well. I liked having the feeling of having someone again. We were concerned about what would happen next if I was to move to Melbourne. I know I could commit. It was going to be easy for me because I plan to come back around May for a visit. He could easily come down to Melbourne as well. The only problem was that he wasn't sure he could commit because he never had a long distance relationship before. And the fact that he gets around a lot. I knew how he was but I trusted him because he went to 2 parties without me and came home to me because he didn't want to leave me alone and rather come home and sleep with me. So I was pretty convinced. Until very recently we went to a party together. He invited his bestfriend to come along. I knew how they were. I knew he wanted to get with her before he meant me so we made a promise that night that we wouldn't do anything. I kept my promise. Guys were flirting with me and when they lead to something, I would immediately tell them that I'm seeing this guy. They were happy for me. I even told him that this and that person was leading into something and I told them I had him. It made him pretty happy. When we were together for most of the night, people were asking if I was his girl and he said that I was. I was pretty happy that he said that so I trusted him. I wasn't with him for most of the night. Eventually when the party died, and I had this feeling. He came back from a long time outside with his bestfriend and eventually he told me he hooked up with her for about 2 seconds when they both stopped, realizing that there was me on the side. I kind of knew it was going to happen. I only regret not walking out with him to say good bye to her. I was pretty disappointed and upset so I left. I called up a friend at 4 in the morning and we cruised til 6 am. I've been crying for the last 2 days now and I really wish I could stop. I'm trying to fix myself after getting betrayed, again.

Times like this, I do what I do best and that's to party hard and drink it all away. Which I can't wait to do because it makes me forget easier. Once I'm in that mood, I literally don't give a fuck anymore and it's not even the sad thing. I can't wait to stop feeling the pain and realize that "hey, I'm moving to Melbourne anyways, what am I doing moping around? Make the most of it" So the last few days, I've been a mess and quite frankly, I'm over it. Just going to have fun, party hard and move to Melbourne and start anew like I should be.

New Years Resolutions

Every one always has the typical, "New Year, New Me" bullshit for their New Years Resolutions and they're always the "find a boyfriend/girlfriend" shit as well. For me it's simple but difficult to achieve and REALISTIC.

My 2015 Resolutions

#1. Find a job in Melbourne and save up
#2. Get my license
#3. Be independent
#4. Buy dc5

Very simple but it requires patience. One thing I'm not but I'm getting the hang of it. My quotes that motivate me?

"Patience is the Key to Everything"

"Work Hard. Dream Big."

"Classy never Trashy"

"Stay Humble"

"Work in silence and crush them with your success"

These are the quotes that have been motivating me lately. I even have a folder in my phone gallery listed as #goals with pictures of all the things I want to achieve. They're mostly cars, fit body, tattoos and make up LOL but really, all I need is a job and I'm all set. Just wanna dedicate my time in working and saving money. It'll get rough every now and then but I just need to get my mind set on my goals and think positive. Surround myself with good people with positive vibes then I'll be fine. Support here and there.

Decision Made

I have finally made the decision to move to MELBOURNE. No, not for him. Well partly but not entirely. People keep asking why and 21 question me about it. Even tried to make me feel bad because I said I would stay. Well, the reason why I decided to move was because it was not only for my parents but for myself as well.

The reason for my parents was because this one night, roughly a week before Christmas, my sister and I had a dnm (deep and meaningful) conversation. I asked her how were things down in Melbourne and how was the house going? Has she decided what school to go to and what was it like etc. She told me that my dad was working really hard on the house and so was my mum so they don't have time to take her around to schools and she was thinking about Tafe. Eventually, she asked me when I was coming to visit and I told her February 10th. 3 days after my birthday. I was sure 3 days was enough for me to recover from my own 18th lol. Then she went into a full paragraph, asking me to move down because of my parents. She told me that they're already stressing and worried enough about the house and their work, and having one of their daughter up in Brisbane, with no job and no place to actually live is not what they needed. I told her that originally I was planning to work all of this year, save money and then go to Tafe the year after. If nothing worked out then I would move down there. She then asked, what if things doesn't work out? My dad was working on the rooms, and every time that he does, he thinks of me. He was contemplating on if he should even make a room for me, so my sister said. She told me that he's already wasting so much money on the house and having a room for me could be a waste because I won't be there much. I told her that I would think about it and then she told me this:

"I know you don't wan to leave everyone but seriously think about the future. Where are you going to live? You can't live at a friends house forever. Some friends would say that they'll always have your back and help you out but why weren't they there for the times you felt alone? At the end of the day, not every single one of your friend will raise their hand and help you. But down here you have mum dad and everyone"

After she said that, it really hit me. True that there were people who I turned to when I was alone but they didn't do anything. So what were the chances of them being there if I needed a place to stay? I wasn't planning to stay at my best friend, Josh's place forever. He needed to work as much as I needed to. He could easily get a job by helping his dad but his dad is all the way in WA. He only stayed back because he couldn't leave me here on my own. I didn't want to be in the way of him earning his own money and helping out his old man. I did stay at my other best friend's place, Jennifer. But her parents only gave me a month. Her parents aren't very supportive, neither were they very nice. Not trying to be rude. Surely I know there would be a few friends that would lend me a place to stay but I couldn't stay there forever. I don't want to be a burden to them. So after she had said that, I told her I would think about it and let her know before the end of December. It honestly just took a day for me to decide. It would've taken longer if she hadn't had said that. So whilst in my shower, I thought about it. I thought about it for ages and ages. She was right. I didn't want to leave everything and everyone behind, but I thought about my parents. All my life, I've been selfish and greedy. Never thought about my mums feelings when I rebelled. Never thought of her happiness, her health or anything. All I focused on was what I wanted and I did anything that I could to get what I wanted. Childish really. I thought about how the days back then, all I could think about was having the family back together. How happy and normal it would've been, even if it was with my step dad. When my real dad and my mum got back together, I saw how committed they were to each other. Every few weeks in a month, my mum would go down to Melbourne just to be with my dad. Seeing them so happy on my graduation week, I saw that all they want was to be a family again. Who was I to take that away from them? For once, I want to stop being selfish and do something for them. Finally think about them and what they want. Give them what they wanted and that was to bring the "original" family back after what, 13 years? So that was half of my decision. The other half was for myself. 

I say for myself because after the break up, I finally saw who my real friends were. Who my "family" were. Even after graduation. After the break up, people assumed, jumped to conclusions and talked a lot of shit. About me. I was portrayed as the bad one, again. I realized that no matter what I did, I was always going to be the bad one, in the relationship and to the world. I know my past was shit and I made a lot of mistakes. My reputation was pretty much shit overall. Only the close REAL friends could see and understand what I've been through and what I'm really like. People said I was a "slut", a "twelvie", a "stupid kid", "ugly" and "unloyal". They only said all those things because of what they heard what I did in the PAST. I remember after being told this, I decided to change. Show them that I've changed. No matter what it took. Even if it meant showing off how much I loved my boyfriend on social media with cheesy paragraphs and photos. I tried blending in with different age groups and hung out with a lot of them. I became an outgoing and spontaneous person. Talking to people who I didn't know but I thought that this way, they'd get to know the real me. Make them think otherwise of what they heard about me. Make them see with their own eyes that I changed and make them realize that I made a lot of mistakes. That I was very young and very foolish then. Everyone got to know me. They wanted me around and turned to me, trusted me with their problems. I was there for them, no matter what it was. Even if it was the same shit. Even if they never listened to my advice. I gave them my attention, my time and comfort. But one slip up (the break up), all of a sudden, all those people just ignored all these facts and blamed my past for my actions. The one thing that hurt most was that all of Henry's friends who I turned to, saw that I was suffering and hurting in the relationship. They saw that I couldn't take it much longer but I held my ground. I fought through it all, and they helped me. But when I was the who broke it off, all of a sudden, I was just a bitch for "playing" with Henry's heart. All of a sudden, I was the slut who was "unloyal". All because I couldn't handle it anymore. Everyone turned their backs on me. Not one came to me and asked me for my side of the story. So once I realized and saw this, I couldn't be here. I didn't want to be here. If Brisbane people were going to be like this, I don't any part of it. I don't need anymore shit from fake friends. Yes, there are friends out there who thought otherwise and I'm very grateful for them but no matter what they said to stick up for me, society will always find the negative and exaggerate them. Filling everyone's thoughts with hate. So, I'm moving to Melbourne to start anew and hoping that everything will change. Hoping the people I meet will be different to the people I know here. 

I admit I'll miss Brisbane and those who were close to me but if I stayed any longer, I'd just become a victim of depression. Not like I am already but to the point where I'll be the next one to commit suicide. I've came close before, believe me, it isn't a good feeling having all these negativity take over you. So to be safe, I'm hoping that moving to Melbourne would make it easier for me. Even if it's just a little. 

Will keep you updated when I move to Melbourne :)  

I Just Can't

This video has to be watched. I don't care if you've seen it already. I just can't believe this dude just explained everything perfectly. I've always wanted to make a video something like this a long time ago but never got to find the words or where to start to make people understand what I'm trying to say. I am so thankful that this guy spoke my mind. I often always see people on my newsfeed, asking for the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend because they're lonely., It pisses me off so much to even know people who think relationships are like fairy tales. Well, it's not. It takes two to make it work. Team effort. I just can't with this video. Can't believe how perfect it is.