Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas. Nothing special will be going on because like all other years, my family don't do presents. All we get is money; which is good enough. On Christmas Eve, I spent the day with my step dad. It's been way too long that I haven't seen him. Yesterday we just went to watch movies and had a little chat about our lives and family. Honestly, my family has been torn. Not the whole family, but the ones in my house. It's just my mum, Sally and myself. Sometimes Ken, my little brother. Even though there's only 3 of us in this small house, it's like a battlefield every day. It used to be my Mum and Sally against me. Then it slowly became the 3 of us against each other. Now, it's the 2 sister against my Mum. I hate the way things are here. My Mum has acted so strange lately that now, she acts as if we're not her daughters. Just 2 girls needing a place to stay and some food to eat. For the last few weeks, there hasn't been any sign of food. Just little snacks. There are noodles, a whole box of them, but I can't eat them. I get sick of it with just one bite but I force myself to eat them all, just to fill my stomach. But then I get this uneasy feeling in my stomach and I feel sick for a few hours. My sister and I have been bonding a lot. She's open up to me and she'd dnm with me every now and then. I feel as if we're like twins now because we're always together.

This year, I know for sure that the family won't be doing anything for Christmas. It makes me feel so sad and it breaks my heart because if we still had our step dad. and if we still have had our house back in Springfield, this would be the first Christmas for me. I know that my step dad would've liked doing it the proper Christmas way. With the tree, and buying each other presents and then when Christmas morning comes, all the kids would unwrap their presents and so will the adults. My family now is broken. The house has started to become dusty, dishes are unwashed, no food at home but I know for a fact that we're all in our own world's. The house has most likely became empty most days.

I just wish that maybe next year or in the future, I would never let my children or family to suffer like this. I want my kids to wake up every year on this special day with a Christmas spirit, no matter how old they are. And even if I was a single mother, I would still let my kids grow up and celebrate Christmas the proper way. I don't want them to suffer the gloomy, dull life like mine. I know for sure that I will never become someone like my Mum.

On the bright side, this will be my first Christmas with a boyfriend :D And Henry is my first <3 Though, it won't be as special but good enough right? I'll be prepared for next year though. I'll save up enough to take all my friends out for a feast :3

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE and let's not forget, Happy Birthday Jesus <3

Wanting to Forget

It's been awhile since I last blogged. There were times when I wanted to blog, but I couldn't because I was out and I blog whenever I'm depressed, annoyed or sad and whenever I have these emotions, I was out and by the time I was home, the situation has already been solved.

For the last few months as you all know, the thought of "that night" keeps coming into my mind. Well it doesn't happen every few days now, it literally happens at least 2-3 times a day. I feel as if there's a reason to why I keep getting reminded. Not only has it got me thinking negative about myself, but I get scared, I get nightmares, I get worried, I get heart breaks, etc. It's starting to really piss me off. I get angry at the fact that it won't leave me alone. I get angry at myself for thinking low of myself. I get angry that because of that thought, I have insecurities. No matter what Henry says or tell me, all that comes through my mind is:

"Lies."
"As if."
"No you don't"
"He's cheating"
"He doesn't love you"
"He's going to break that promise"
"Don't trust him"
"It's not true"

I am sick and tired of all these negative thoughts trying to get to me and I'm disappointed that I actually let it. I tried and tried to stop thinking so negative but the more I try, the stronger it gets and some day, I'm scared it'll be too strong for me to handle and I will become a legitimate emo; not being able to think positive. I think that because of these negative emotions and thoughts, I have anxiety attacks now. I'm not sure but I break down whenever I'm alone, I think so low of myself and I hate myself, unable to do anything about it. Is that anxiety? Because I never used to break down out of the blue. Ever.

No one understands how much I want to forget about what happened. Not even breaking up with Henry will make me forget, nor drinking til every brain cell that carries memories dies will make me forget. What I would give up just to have that night erased. I want to forget everything I regret. Even though sometimes I do, eventually it comes back and then I'm unable to forget it again. If mankind could invent a time machine anytime soon, or a machine that erases the memories you wouldn't want to keep, I'd honestly want to go back in time, and stop myself from meeting Henry or erase him from my memories. It's sad to say, and it breaks my heart to say so but when I think about it, it would have been for the best. Even though "that night" has been erased or changed, the fights, the arguments and his attitude wouldn't change. If I lived on without knowing who Henry was, I would have been happier, I would have been single but meeting guys the right way. Falling in love the right way. You're probably all thinking that I'm mad at Henry right now that's why I'm saying this but I'm not.
It's just one of those moments that you stop, look back and see what has happened, what has changed and then you think, "What if I took this path instead of the path I'm walking right now?" Then you think back to the beginning, imagining you making a different decision and then you go through one by one, changing your decision/choices, then in the end, you end up with a different life. You compare your life now and the life you could've have had and then you realize that you could've been happy.

Dating Henry isn't a mistake nor a regret to me. It's just that I want to forget. I want to forget everything and start over. But then apart of me don't want to let go of what has already been built between us. Even though starting over may sound nice right now, I still wouldn't be able to forget what has happened. It's hard for me to let go. I've tried, but it clings onto me like I'm clinging onto Henry. It's like being with Henry is being with "that night" but leaving Henry is not like I would be leaving "that night" but it would be leaving with me.
What can I do? Nothing.

Dreams Become Nightmares

Last night and the night before, I've been having nightmares. It's not the nightmares where ghost or demons but where Henry is cheating on me, again. The first one was he was cheating with one of a Korean actor that was in my drama. LOL, I know that won't come true but last night, was with a girl I know. It was a heart breaking dream. I only remember the parts where, Henry told me to go into the room with him, but I don't know who's house it is. Everything was white. The blanket on the clean white bed was a baby blue. Then turns out that girl I know was there too. She was on the phone and was asking someone to take her home. Henry laid down on the bed and I was next to him. All of a sudden, that girl I know was laying on the other side next to him as well. They were talking and then she started flirting and he was flirting back. He put his arms around her and she was laying his chest. I was trying to get his attention but he wouldn't turn around to me. Then they started play fighting and she was sitting on him and then he was laying on her lap. I ran outside crying, hoping he would come after me but as I ran out the door, I heard her ask

"Who was that?"
and he just replied like, 

"Oh, it's probably Anne chucking a sook, Who cares?"

I ran back in and laid back down. When I couldn't take it anymore, I got up and I grabbed his shoulder to turn him around and slapped him. He asked,

"What was that for?"
but it wasn't an angry tone of voice. I then said,
"What kind of boyfriend are you? Are you forgetting that I'm here too? You invited me into this room and here you're letting another girl lay on your chest, sit on you and flirting with you."

I remember saying that with tears just constantly running down my face. I woke up and I realized that I was crying. All of a sudden, a thought came into my head out of the blue. 

"What if they have been snapchatting dirty things or have been snapchatting a lot? What kind of snaps do they take?"
I got so paranoid and I just broke down at 2:00 a.m. I was so scared and the pain was just heart breaking. Let alone the negative thoughts running through my head. I eventually cried myself back to sleep. I woke up and brushed my teeth. When I was brushing my teeth, I thought of the dream, and I was convincing myself

"It's not true. How could it be true?"
but then, the very first time I had dreams of Henry cheating. It was constant and then it turned out coming true. I don't know what to do. Is this another sign? Should I leave before it happens? I'm scared that when I tell him about this dream, he would finally confess that it's true... I'm so scared right now. I'm worrying and I really just want to find out the truth. Knowing Henry, he lies to me a lot ... so I don't know if I could believe anything he says to me ... It hurts not being able to trust him but now, not even believe him. He said that I should trust and believe him but he's clearly showed me that I can't trust now I can't believe. Worst feeling... 

What's even worse is that he left me walking in the cold last night. I asked if he could pick me up and it was a straight up No, when I told him my day and why I wanted to be picked up. In the end, he put himself first and I ended up walking to the bus stop which was 20-30 minutes away from the house I came from, and it was freezing. But he did pick my sister, my sister's friend and myself up when we were at Oxley McDonald's when I told him where my mum thought that he was with us the whole day and that he was going to take us home but when my sister told my mum that he wasn't, my mum raged that if we didn't have a way home, we should've came home earlier and said that she wasn't going to pick us up. He somewhat sounded guilty and yeah. Although I was still upset about out argument, I just sucked it up and let it slide. I acted as if nothing ever happened. It killed me bit by bit inside. He then said,
"I hate it when we fight."
I did feel a bit better when he said that, but with the subject of the argument, I was still heart broken. Aiden had told me that when he was dating Sally, my sister, he saw how strong I was when it came to arguments with my ex boyfriend. And he said that now when he looks at me, he sees a broken girl and that I've become weak and sensitive. He told me to leave immediately for my own good, but I don't want to leave Henry... I love him.  

Lonely

Sigh, why is it every time when Henry gets invited out, it's always a "boys night out" ? I want to get invited too. I want to chill together with the guys too and catch up but it always has to be when they're drinking at a bar and I won't be able to go in.

Yesterday, Henry's brother said it's time I went home because he reckons it's because of me that Henry isn't helping out around the house. Isn't true because Henry's just lazy. If I go home tonight, it'd just be me, at home alone. My sister would be out or working. My mum might be out as well. It'll just be me. Alone again. Why is that when I want to go out on a date, Henry doesn't feel like it? But when it's a boy's night out, he's up for it. When Henry told Lan that I wanted to tag along, why couldn't they suggest to go somewhere suitable for me? Does it have to be a bar? Why can't it be a small place to eat where you could also drink? All I want is to be around friends, catch up and chill too... But because I'm 16, I can't go anywhere...

I don't want to go home. What's there to do at home? Nothing. It's going to be hard for me to sleep again because Henry isn't there.To be honest, I'm fighting back the tears because Henry will be home from working with his dad soon. I just want to be out there...It's another day I'll be spending alone. As I said before on my 5th month blog, I hate being alone. One thing I fear most is being alone. It feels as if though I have so many people around me, so many of those people are family and friends, but yet, I still feel empty.

I know for a fact that if I asked Henry to sleep over my place tonight, he wouldn't. Ever since we met, he's only slept over a total of 4 times. But those 4 times, he only slept over because it would stop me from asking him. So it's not like he wanted to. Now his brother set out a rule for us. We can't sleepover. We can see each other and then leave at around 10-12. All I wanted was Henry to sleep over. But he uses the excuse that "there's something about your house" excuse. I know he doesn't want to sleep over. I know he wants to go home and play GTA V or WOW or even now, Battlefield 4. Oh yeah, he bought BF4 for me because he said I looked like I was bored every time he played WOW. He already finished the story mode and now he's playing online. I didn't get the chance to learn how to play... Guess it was just an excuse to buy it.

I can tell that it's going to be difficult in the future because Henry doesn't wake up til 5 in the afternoon, so he won't be able to come over since he'll be lazy. If I come over, he won't open the door since he'll be sleeping and what's the point of me coming over when all I'll do is wait til 5 in the after noon for him to wake up? Sigh, complete waste of time right? Guess it's another night I'll be crying and then pretending it never happened. Trying to smile and make it seem alright /': It heart breaking when I think about it...
Never getting to wake up with Henry right next to me, never getting feel his cuddles, never getting to sleep over again and I know in the future, he'll be going out a lot with his boys /': I know that there will never be day that he'll show up at my house without me expecting it. It's just always going to be that will be coming over daily.

Sigh, it's just going to end up like my ex. How I would catch 3 buses to go to forest lake and visit him after school, all the way from Springfield. And every Saturday was the same thing all over again where I would wake up early, catch the bus to his house and he'd sleep and sleep then play LoL and then sleep again, and I'd go home at 10. I don't want it to be like that. The same thing all over again.... I just hope that I can tag along tonight. Doubt it though /: I don't know why I bother hoping...

I'm Scared

Sigh, I don't know what to do anymore. It's already hard for me to move on from the past. I've tried. I really have. There's nothing more I can give.
I had a break down just earlier. Turns out Henry hasn't completely changed. Somewhat still the same. Every morning, he'd get angry and take it out on me. He gets angry because he can't sleep in. His dad and his mum always wakes him up for the need of help. Every morning he never wakes up when he's suppose to. Yeah, he's tired but he drags the time on up until his dad actually yells at him. I understand his point of view. All he wants is Henry to help him and get things done and over with. Henry lost his job so now he has a second job with his dad. But every morning when he's angry at his parents raising his voice at him, I try and help out too. I try waking him up and but he'd just get mad. Soon, he'd just say that "today isn't a good day for me" He always says that. But the thing is, it's not the day. It's him. He never brings himself to wake up and I blame how he plays WOW. He plays until it's 4-4:30 in the morning and he doesn't fall asleep until 20 minutes later. He's been lazy nowadays.
When Lan or David wants to chill, he'd go for it. But when I want to chill with them too, he'd call it off and say he doesn't feel like chilling anymore. I haven't been out of his house in a long time now and all I want is a chill sesh with Lan or David. He just plays WOW constantly. Again, he's changed to his old self. Being angry and unfair.

Just now, I broke down crying because I was sick of myself just smiling and acting like nothing ever happened whenever he yells at me in the morning. I'm happy every morning because I get to see him in the mornings but it's not the same for him. Not once has he woken up and smiled because I was there. He'd wake up and play WOW. He's starting to hurt me again. Now instead of understanding, he would just walk out and leave me to cry. I'm sick of all this. He says that I'm clingy and I can't help it. He knows I can't help it but he will never, ever understand why. Truth is, I'm scared.

I'm scared that when I go back home, he'd forget all about me.
I'm scared that when I go back home, he'd cheat again.
I'm scared that when I go back home, he'd just play WOW
I'm scared that when I go back home, he'd bring another girl over.
I'm scared that when I go back home, he won't miss me.

I know he wouldn't because he sees me 24/7. I stick by him to prevent of getting hurt again.

I'm scared of that pain
I'm scared of the nights I'd cry myself to sleep
I'm scared of waking up each morning and having this heavy pressure on my chest
I'm scared of the depression feeling I'll be getting every single day
I'm scared of worrying and keep thinking about the good times, and the times we had together
I'm scared of getting them heart burns every now and then
I'm scared of getting hurt over and over again
I'm scared of not being able to get over the pain

I don't want to go through it all again... I'm scared and so heart broken every time the thought of Henry cheating. Like that isn't bad enough yet... It's unfair where I handle all the pain he could give me and I could forgive him so easily but when it comes to me making one mistake, he'd rage, he'd make himself the victim and he'd want to end things with me. Why is that when I can handle heart breaking pains and forgive so easily but he can't? Unfair isn't it? I put in the effort, I hold my head up and think "Everything will be okay" I'd cry and sleep it off. I crawl back to him and apologize for something I didn't do. For something I never intended to do. I'd hug myself and convince myself that it's my fault and he's been through so much pain so it's hard for him to forgive. But...it's obvious that I've been in so much more pain than he did... He did something that all girl could never forgive. He made me insecure, he made me think low of myself, he made me sensitive but look .... I'm still strong, because I tell myself every day that I am. I look forward to the future together with him but he seems to look at the past.... I don't want to see him. I'm going home and I just don't want to be by his side anymore. I don't want to get hurt and cry for something that is obviously not worth my tears.

The New Henry

To start off this blog, Henry had ordered Vape for me ! Well, for us. For those who don't know what Vape is; it's a electronic stick and you can order any flavour liquid. You pour that flavour liquid inside (only 2-3 drops) and then you hold this button and just suck in air, then smokes comes out. It's not like smokes, just something for smokers to quit smoking. No, I don't smoke, but this is to keep my mind of weed LOL

Anywho, I'm probably the happiest girl on the face of the Earth right now because for the last few days, Henry has definitely changed. He's more sweet, funny and understanding. After the night of our 5th month, where I spent it alone, he came home and felt so bad. He hugged me and just wouldn't let go. He kept apologizing. It was so adorable. After that night, things has been going so well for us. We haven't had an argument, we haven't had times where we piss each other off, we haven't had times where we misunderstood each other. Just basically, I'm so happy that things are going so smoothly for us. 

Not only that, but I've been sleeping over his house for 2 weeks now. I've been home like once a week but this? I haven't been home at all. Seeing the way things are, I don't want to go camp. It's true that I would get worried and anxious when I'm gone for a week, but there are possibilities that I can't go. Only because I'm on the rep list. I feel bad for not going but I want to stay so that I could just be here with Henry. I want to save up and take him to Melbourne with me so he could meet my family down there. 

Although Henry used to be so hot tempered, stubborn and very very sensitive, I've grown onto him and understand what hurts him and what triggers his anger. I'm still scared to open up to him but when it bothers me, he seems to know. Originally when he has a feeling I'm upset, he'd keep asking over and over what was wrong and when I wasn't ready to tell him, he'd be like "Fine. Don't fucking tell me" - SEE? that is why I never open up because when I do and I'm not ready to, he'd explode of maximum rage LOL but now, when he sees that I'm upset or something is bothering me, he'd climb onto the bed, ask me what's wrong, hug me, and just tell it's okay when he doesn't even know what was wrong. He would take guesses and when he's right, he could tell by the way I look at him. Usually it's just the thought of him cheating coming back to haunt me, or when I feel as if he's hiding something from me. He would just say

"Babe. Don't worry okay? I love you"
OR
"Awh babe, come here. Don't cry, it's okay. Don't think about it."

He has learnt to use words to comfort me and he has learnt to understand my facials and I don't know how, but he has also learnt how to figure out what the problem is by just looking deep into my eyes. Pretty impressive. I guess that after all them arguments, he'd finally made an effort to remember what to do and what NOT to do. 

Just earlier, we had this massive tickling play fight. I have never had this type of thing happen. He climbed on to the bed and he was casually laying on my lap. After hearing my belly rumble, he told me to lay down with him and we cuddled for only 30 seconds and he tickled me. I was so sensitive. He blew in my ear, on my face and I did the same. Took him awhile to get ticklish when I blew in his ear then I remembered that his weak spot was...well, this is embarrassing,...but his nipples. LOL I know, weird. All I did was just poke it and he'd laugh like a faggot. And when I say "like a faggot" , he legit laughs like one. We went on and on and on til what seemed like 3-4 minutes. He sat me on his lap and just said "I love you" oh, those 3 beautiful words I love to hear coming from his own lips, his own breath, his own brain and his own heart. I melt seeing his smile, hearing his laugh, seeing that glow in his eyes, hearing his voice, hearing those 3 words I love to hear so much and his touch. I was so happy. I kept laughing, giggling and smiling. When I'm pissed, he'd just stroke my cheeks and be his funny self. He's been connecting with the old Henry that I got to know back then before we even got together. His funniness was the reason why I fell in love with him. 

I think that this relationship could work. Despite my insecurities though. But hey, I know that we can get past that soon. 

I love the way things are with us. It's not always the "gaming and then sex" type of relationship. Frankly, this is how our relationship goes. 

*I'd be on his laptop Tumblring, Youtube, Anime, Facebook, Blogging and online dressing games whereas he would be on Facebook, World of Warcraft and Naruto at the same time. Every now and then, he'd climb onto the bed and spend some time with me. Either cuddle, play fight, "business" or even go down stairs to make food or get food. Some points of the time, we'd give each other kisses on the cheeks or lips and then back to our own business.*

Simple. Nothing more, nothing less. Sorry to disappoint most of you out there who reads my blogs but I'm not always the type of girl who has sex all the time. That gets boring if you do it 24/7. As long as I have his company and he has mine, and at the end of the day, we're on the same bed, under the same blanket and under the same roof. I get to close my eyes and see him as the last person I see then wake up to him being my first person I see. That's the best part. Waking up next to him. A reminder that it's not all just a dream. I'm happy that we're starting to understand each other. It makes it so much easier to be happy (: Definitely the.BEST.boyfriend.ever. 

I Love You Babe <3 

    15062013.

I Hate This Feeling

Sigh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm always getting this feeling as if Henry's cheating again. It's not that I tend to think this way but it just pops into my head at random times. Is it a sign? I just hate the fact that I can't be my independant self like I planned to be now because of my worries, my thoughts and this feeling as if there's something heavy on my chest. I hate the feeling where I can't even trust him the slightest bit without even trying to find a good reason why I can. I see why I should again but I'm not risking it anymore. The last few times I risked my trust, I got hurt. This would be one of the worse risk I took. Now look at me. I can't trust anyone, I can't be independant, I'm always getting jealous over the smallest things. These feelings are killing me. I can't go a day without being at Henry's side because now, I'm overly attached. I don't want to be. I hate being clingy but it can't be helped unless I trust him. Which I can't do! Because there's always going to that heaviness on my chest. There's always going to be negative thoughts going through my head, one right after another. There's always going to be late replies and overthinking.  I hate it. I wish he knew what he did. What he turned me into. I'm broken to pieces and I can't always fix myself. I hate having the 'who's he talking to? Who is he texting? Is it a girl? What if hes cheating again?' I hate all those questions who asks me and makes me want to ask him myself. But I stop myself from doing so .... because I'm afraid of hearing, reading or even seeing something I know I won't like... it kills. I die a little inside everytime he talks about his ex or mentions a girl who used to be someone to him. I can't even find myself to even believe his compliments or even believe anything he says.. I've been hurt many times but this ... this has got to be the worse. I can't even tell him because of the way he would over react or get angry at me. Without even an understanding. He says he knows it hard for me but he doesn't.  He doesn't KNOW. That is why sometimes I wish that one day, he could somehow see what it's like to be me. For a day. I'm scared and I think I might even have anxiety now because of him... I don't want that. I don't want to cry and break down at random times. I don't want to over think. I don't want anything negative inside of my mind! Everytime I have this pressure on my chest, I find it hard to breathe. I find it hard to think. I wish he knew all this. I just want him to feel it. But I don't want to leave for him to finally feel what I have been feeling. I don't want it to be the typical way. This is why I stay. This is why I give him chances after chances. So that one day, he'll wake up and realize and I'm still with him. I wish I knew what was going through his mind everyday. I want to know if I'm always on his mind. If it's me he dreams of .... I've had multiple of dreams where he cheats and doesn't care. One of them has already come true. What about the rest? Will it come true too? Should I leave before it actually happens? His favourite quote is "Dreams become Nightmares" Yes, it is true because I have expierenced it. He might think he has but no... he has no idea...  sigh, what is wrong with me...? I don't know what to do /':

Letter: 5th Month

15.6.2013 <3

Dear Henry, 

Wow, time has really gone by huh? It's already been 5 months. Although I couldn't buy or make anything for you as a gift, but hey? I'm typing this letter just for you and for the world to read about this special day. 

I'd like to start off with a HAPPY 5TH MONTH BABY! Today is a very special day as to every other day's of the month. Too bad though that I can't spend the entire day with you but whoa, don't get sad because I will spend the night with you <3 No, to the readers,we are not going to have sex. As unbelievable as it sounds, my boyfriend and I are not the ones who have constant sex but we're the type that he plays games, and I would too. Every now and then a kiss and a moment of cuddling then back to doing our own things. When the time comes, we sleep together and even play fight. Anyways back to the letter, I'd like to thank you for being my best boyfriend ever. Yes, I said it, you are THE best boyfriend. You may not believe so, but mate, you need to. There were times where we hurt each other and that one time where I almost let go of you, letting you slip through my fingers...NO, I will hold on tight until the day you can not handle me anymore and until the day that the spark inside our relationship can not stay bright. 

Baby, I promise to try harder to understand you and remember what your ex had left behind. Scarring you and yet from today, you're still healing from the pain. I'm sorry if I'm also the cause of the pain...I will however consider your past and help you. I love it when I can see that smile on your face. I never what to see tears coming out of those eyes but I want to see that glow instead. The only times where I want to see you shed tears is the moment's when you're happy. Tears of Joy made by me. I really do hope that we could last til the day we die together. Til the day I walk down that aisle and see you waiting at the end. I hope that we'll last to the day we both say "I do" I sound foolish for thinking so far ahead but honestly, I feel something for you that gives me hope that we will be together for a very long time. Knowing we don't lack of anything, I can tell this relationship is going to be strong. I love you and you love me. That's all that matters. I don't expect you to understand me fully or even me understanding you fully. I just love waking up everyday, learning and understanding something about you. Finding something new about you. I want to keep doing that forever. 

It's hard for me to explain my feelings for you and it's hard to explain to you how important you are but hey, you're different. I'm not saying this because it seems to be a good moment to but more of the "It's true" I know for sure that you're different from the rest. You make me cry from happiness and you've gave a sense of pain from your past. Helping me understand what it was like to be you back then. I swear to our relationship that I can be the best girlfriend you could ever find and love. 

Happy 5th month my monkey bear <3 I'll see you tonight (: oh and SURPRISE! My gift to you 

Love Sincerely Yours, Anne x 

Being Lied To But Knowing The Truth

It seems as if Henry still doesn't understand. Not that I expect it any ways. He's a guy. Stereo typically 2 out of 10 guy who could actually understand a girls feelings. That's pretty bad. This blog isn't about Henry not understanding me and the rest of me but how he doesn't understand why he should NOT lie to me.
Now for some girls, I know when you're being lied to, you get this feeling of suspicions and you have this voice in the back of your head that when it hears a lie, it instantly says "LIES"
Henry makes it so obvious that he's lied. No one can ever lie to me because some parts of you give it away but if you think fast enough, the logic of the lie is just messed up and makes no sense.

I'm going to start telling you that night when Henry cheated.
It was a Friday night and it had been a week after I moved back into my stupid hell house. Went out with my friends and Henry had a party that night too. Fast forward. I was in the movies and we were texting throughout the advertisement. I had this feeling like something bad was going to happen and I texted him about it. Lan, (his bestfriend) texted me back saying "Don't worry. I got this" meaning he'll look after Henry. I made the worse move after that text. I texted back saying "I'm giving you my FULL trust. And you know this is hard for me to do because I have trust issues but I'm going to risk it. I trust you." Big mistake. I gave him my full trust when I wasn't ready but at the time, having a bad feeling something was going to happen, you'd give it your all as a reminder that someone you love has just gave you all her trust and it's hard for her to do so. Don't fuck it up. Fast forward a bit more. Let's just say we had an argument that night that caused me to wonder the city alone, late at night, freezing cold. Henry however never stopped me but stormed off thinking only about himself whereas, Lan chased after me. We sat outside for ages and ages until we went to hungry jacks because it was so much warmer. Soon, David came and took me back to the apartment and the boys was finding anything they could to warm me up. Blankets, Jackets and Jumpers. Even a warm cup of tea. They sat outside the balcony with me, told me their childhood stories to cheer me up. Soon Henry came back and I knew something happened. Fast forward again. I came up to him and asked him did he have a good time? His reply? "I did something that you didn't like" He then confessed to me "I hooked up with a girl" Hearing that tore my heart apart. I went outside and broke down crying. Lan, Kevin and David came out and comforted me. Soon Mishi and Kylee came out too. Little did I know that I was leaning on the shoulder of the girl Henry had hooked up with. Kylee. I found out the next night but I had to find out alone. His excuse? "I wasn't ready to tell you" Yes, I understand that you weren't ready but if you told me so then I would've gave you time. He lied to me when I asked all these questions. "Was it a peck" "Do you know her" "Will she ever contact you again?" All the answers were lies. It was more than a peck. He touched more than just her arm. And it WAS someone he knew. Everyone who knew apologized to me. I cried and cried because I was betrayed by so many. I was fighting against on my own. We then had an argument where he didn't think of how I felt but only how he felt and twisted the argument to make it about him. In the end, I apologized. I couldn't kiss him, hug him, cuddle him , not even close to touching him for a month because it haunted me. It still does now but I got past it somehow.

Foolish I was for forgiving such behaviour but I don't know why I did. I guess I just Love him that much and already seen him broke down because of Tiger's (his dog) death, I don't want to see him break down ever again, especially if it were because of me.
Again he had lied to me just then. I woke up only to find him not in the room. I looked around and couldn't find him. He then came out of the spare room and I asked what he was doing in there. His answer? "I was looking for something" My thoughts? "LIES" I soon just asked him and he admit he was going for a little masturbation. Sigh, again I was lied to and I was already sick of all the lies and all the argument he made me the bad guy, I said straight up "You need to stop lying to me. What if I lied to you everyday about everything? It really hurts. If you're going to continuously lie to me, I'm going to have to leave you" I got up and left the room, brushed my teeth and I went to blog this.

He doesn't get it. I've already been hurt to the days where it stopped me from touching him and kissing him. I cried multiple of times because of the same image. I get worried and overly attached because I'm SCARED of it happening again. I'm cautious of what I say and do just in case it leads to an argument. It's like I can't be me in this relationship but someone HE wants me to be. He doesn't understand the betrayal that night. That pain and the sleepless nights, the nights where I just break down. He would get mad if I talked about this... I feel as if I cannot speak my mind and cannot say things to make him understand me for the future without him get mad at me... Sigh... what am I doing? What have I got myself into? I need help but I won't leave him. Unless if there's a legitimate reason like, if he's cheating again.

That's what I'm dealing with now in my Love life, but I guess it's safe to say that I'm halfway there getting used to his stubborness, his immaturity, his llies, his anger, and the way he makes it all about him. But, I'm also half way there, building the courage to just leave. With or without a legitimate reason. Just that this relationship is unfair and he won't help me balance it out.
That is all.. Sigh. Still hurts though...

Not My Day: Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. Usually, Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. I don't know why, maybe because it's half way through the week or just that I have chilled as subjects on this day.
Now today was just not my day. I was pissed off as soon as I stepped out the house because of the stupidest reason but yet funny, if you think about it. 4 reasons to why this day was the shittiest Wednesday.

Reason no.1: Hair & Music

I woke up, let's say around 5 minutes late. My alarms goes off at 7:00 am but I sleep for another 10 minutes. I woke up at 7:16 am today and yeah, it's not bad. I walked out and my mum straight up, not raged but somewhat close to why I woke up at late. I didn't say anything. My hair was a complete mess! I didn't sleep properly when my hair was still damp so it was like a bush ready to be fired up for the Aboriginals LOL! No offense though. Got ready and had 10 mins before my sister, Sally and I walk out to the bus stop. We leave at 7:30 am. The bus stop is literally 10 secs away from my house LOL. Usually the bus comes at 7:36 am. Now I don't know if there is a change with the bus times or it's just the bus being late ALL THE TIME. For the last few days, it's been arriving at 7:40 am or 7:45 am. Waiting out in the hot sun for ages! When I could be sleeping in a bit more because I only take 10-15 mins to get ready. LITERALLY. As I sat on the pathway, waiting for the bus, I was on you know, social network. My hair was flying all over the place and I could not find a single song that could just be normal. I felt like listening to some RnB, and sad ones too. Not because I was depressed or anything, just felt like listening to something so chilled. Only to realize, all my songs are party mixes or songs or instrumental. I had RnB but not what I was really looking for. So I listened to "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Jessica Sanchez. That calmed me down. Finally, the bus arrives!

Reason no. 2: Bus Ride

The bus wasn't full anymore. It hardly ever is nowadays, so which means there's at least some seats. I sat next to Sally and casually just relaxing, thinking about things etc. All of a sudden, someone throws something at my sister. I didn't look because you know, not my business. In the corner of my eye, she turned around and her lips were moving, so I assume someone was trying to get her attention. Later on, she turns around, puts her headphones back in and continues listening to her music. 3 minutes or so later, another rubbish is thrown at her. She turns around and her lips weren't moving and she throws it back. This goes on and on the WHOLE bus ride til school. It pissed me off so bad I just wanted to take the rubbish, shove it that person's throat and make them swallow. Got off the bus and wow, what a surprise. The person who was chucking those trash was Daniel. He's the most annoying black guy in year 11. People find him entertaining but holy fuck man, I wanted to fucking punch the cunt. Walked into the school with Sally and guess fucking what?

Reason no.3: L fucking G's

LG's are what people call "Little girls" - meaning that they're so young and always trying to seek attention, stand out, getting older boys attention, walking around thinking they're all top shit. That is fucking annoying. Usually when Sally and I walk around the corner, there would be a bunch of year 12 boys. They call themselves "brotherhood" and they're known around my school. Since they're almost graduating , this week has been exam block week for them so only some come to school and some just stay home and come in when they're suppose to. Anyways, I walk around the corner and there I saw only 2 brother hood boys, surrounded by LG's.Oh.my.fucking.god. Some were sitting on the table and some sitting next to the boys. I say hi to the guys and walk off whispering to my sister "fucking lg's"
I sit down with my sister and we talked about LG's , and tip nips. Tip nips are a race that can not speak english properly but in my school, the tip nips are my race. Viet. Fucking embarrassing having them walking around speaking viet with their friends. ARGH ! Irritating. But then after a few talks about something else, I cooled down a little.
Everything went well until 3rd period. Holy fuck man.

Reason no. 4: 3rd Period; The Fob - Sharna.

3rd period, I have hospitality. We are currently working on our assignment which is a Sandwich Venture. It's when we all pick out 3 sandwiches and 1 has to be vegetarian. We all put in a vote of which ones to make. And then when the chosen ones are made, improve it like say what's wrong with it, what's good about it and what would make it taste or look better. When that is done, we do it with the suggestions that were made and then we test it again and to see if it would be suitable for the venture. When it's all tested and approved, we make it again and deliver it to the teachers who pre-ordered the sandwiches. We're having a competition with another class and see who can raise the most money. Last term, the other class cheated because one of the students bought a soup. Anyways. Because I wasn't at school on Friday, my group had to put down who's doing which role. Sharna was put into our group when we had to do this assignment. All the cooking lessons, she bossed everyone around and hogged all the jobs. Leaving us with nothing to do. My friend, Qui Ny (Quee-Nee) told me that Sharna hogged most of the roles such as frying the vegetables, cutting them, and mixing them, leaving Kate, Qui Ny and I to grate lemon zest. Now with her stupid logic, it does not take 3 people to grate 1 lemon. So I decided to do it while Qui Ny and Kate do jack shit. When it came to making the patties, Sharna didn't want to do it because her hands would get dirty. OMFG! ARGH! The whole way through, she was bossing everyone, acting as if she could cook and rushing everyone. I'm standing there like " Chill, we have a lot of time. Says Miss" and she ignores me. When Qui Ny had to put the sandwiches together and then give it to her and Mikayla so they can do the packaging, Qui Ny was doing her best to make it perfect and Sharna was fully going off at her, telling her to do it properly. Qui Ny was so pissed and said "Calm your tits! I'm trying, why don't you fucking do it?"and Sharna replied back"I can't because I'm packaging" and Qui Ny said back "Then shut up!" Silence.... When it was almost time to deliver, she was taking her fucking time wrapping the sandwich. Mikayla said to hurry up because we have a time limit and Sharna ignores, wanting to make it perfect. I was wiping down the table because of the mess and dragged the bin over so I don't have to make several trips to the bin and back. I swiped the mess into the bin and then Sharna somehow makes a mess with the sandwiches so there was crumbs everywhere. Guess what she does next? Swipes it onto the floor. Like dude! Even if you swipe it onto the floor, you still have to sweep it up. She again, ignores. ARGH ! Then originally she was going to deliver but because she had to deliver to science block she told me to do it because it's too far. Fuck sakes aye. She was so lazy! First you hog what was easy and tried to act as if you can cook and the boss of everyone then you laze off when it comes to walking all the way to science block. She wanted to go to lunch. You fucking bitch. I swear next week if she thinks she's in our group to cook, Qui Ny is going to tell her to GTFO.

On top of all that, my stomach ached every now and then during the whole day. Like that wasn't bad enough! Period month guys. ARGH! Today was just the worst. On the good hand, my sister and I are getting tattoos next year (: YAY! We told our mum and she said she doesn't care unless it's something stupid. My sister is going to get "Mum" and under it is my mum's date of birth in roman numerals. At the back of her neck. It's pretty cool.. I'm going to get "Mum" too but in chinese, at the back of my neck too. It's just a single chinese word so it'll look pretty awesome. Can'r wait! :D
That's about it for the night. Gotta rest up now so I have the energy to study for my exam next Friday. Modern History TT.TT

Feeling Unmotivated

Okay, since Wednesday til now, I have NOT been home. Why? Simply because I don't want to be home. I've been staying at Henry's house. My mum doesn't care, just as long as I'm alive and in safe hands. I honestly didn't go to school til like I don't know 10 - 15 minutes before first lunch on Wednesday LOL Only because Henry's bed was so comfy AND I didn't have to do much in Period 1 (english) because I finished my assignment and Period 2 (art) was nothing but take photographs of our work or finish off our major piece, DONE. On Thursday was the saddest days of my life ! My 2 best friends were graduating and leaving and my dance leader who is my special friend was also graduating. I didn't cry much until 2nd break. After crew rehearsals, I saw my best friend of 5 years crying FOR THE FIRST TIME and I just bawled my eyes out when Michael, my best friend of 2-3 years came and just hugged me. I saw Lien and I ran up to her and cried as more even though I'll see her more outside of school but still! We gossip a lot at school. I didn't really cry much for my leader Aiden because I was going to see him on remix night but when we said our goodbyes, I left as early as I could because I didn't want to cry LOL. You can read the whole thing in the "Remix Night" post.

Today, I didn't go to school. I was meant to go home on Sunday but Henry and I fell asleep and I woke up at 5 to charge my phone. When it 7, I told him to wake up and take me home so I can get ready for school but he didn't want to and fell asleep and then I just fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache because I hit my head when I vogue dropped at remix. For those who doesn't know what vogue drop is, its basically dancing and then you do something that leads you to dropping on to the ground, on you back. As painful as it sounds, it isn't really painful. IF you do it right. I had several bruises too so I could hardly walk and my muscles were sore. Not going to make any excuses, I was just plain lazy as well. Anyways, during the whole afternoon I was playing GTA 5. I am addicted ! My mum called and asked why I didn't go school Friday and today. I just answered why I didn't go today and I said that I hit my head when I was performing. She said why I didn't tell her and I just replied like "I didn't want you to worry" and she just asked if I was okay. I just said I've had headaches and just a big bruise but I'll come home "tonight" and go school tomorrow. The whole night, just watched movies and played more GTA.

Lazing around just made me realize how unmotivated I was. Like, camp was coming up and I still need to pay the last payment. Henry's birthday was coming up and my semi formal party that I'm attempting to create since we don't have one this year. I'm still waiting for the job to call me in. If not anytime soon, I might just look for another job. I need money! I honestly feel the reason why I'm so unmotivated is because I'm doing VET subjects and my subjects are so chilled. The only ones I take really serious is Dance and Modern History. Modern History exam is coming up and it's about Hitler so it's fine. Should be easier than the rest from last term and the term after that LOL Sometimes though I wish I was motivated. Like fuck man, I wish I could just get that hard working, study mood to stay on for the rest of the year and turn off for holidays and turn back on when school starts again. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut it never stays. I'd have it like for 1 day or even half a day, then BOOM, gone. I think I'm really attached to Henry. Like because of him, I'm partying every weekend and have that holiday mood on all the time. Now, I'm not saying it's a bad thing but I just wish it was easy for me to just go straight home and study for history or just read a book but I can't. I just want him to be with me all the time. I guess that way, I don't feel so lonely.. Though I know people say this every year, "I'M GOING TO WORK HARD THIS YEAR, LIKE LEGIT! I CAN DO IT!" and then they never doing it. I guess I will try my hardest to keep that motivation for next year since it's my last year of high school. I want to at least get my ranking high so I can go university or to a dance school/company.

I just really need to motivate myself but I need something to help me but I don't what. When I was young, my step dad would always say "Go with the flow" and I've been doing so for 2 years. 2 years and now I feel scared that I'm going no where in life. Just in my party mood and always with my boyfriend nearly 24/7 . I want to get a job but nowadays it's hard for a girl my age to get one. My friend has applied for over 20 jobs, mostly maccas or woolworths etc all over the suburb. Richlands, Inala, Oxley etc but none has called her back. See how hard that is? I need a job asap! If I can get one, then maybe that will be something to motivate me and if I could make crew leader for next year then maybe I'll be working my ass off ! I've have waaaaaay too much freedom and time. I want to use it but not for the same things all over again. Like yeah, some people would want to be me, partying, not having strict parent/s, and can do whatever I want but sometimes I want to busy with books and school or work. For once.. Starting tomorrow I'm going to go straight home, and just take a shower, face mask, get fit, read and hit the books or the net for my history exam. If I can do this and survive 3 days like this as a routine, then I should be used to it. I'll blog somewhere during my afternoon and hopefully I can do this. Wish me luck! (: x

Dear Aiden

Aiden, thank you so much for everything. I know that I might have said this a million times but I really appreciate what you've done for me. We have had our rough times but I'm glad we left that behind and started anew. I cannot say how much I will miss you. Having you as a leader was shocking but hey, I'm glad to have let go of my hatred for you and started to bond more. There is a lot of memories I can remember between us. Like the time we had to pretend you were "famous" at CK. They actually thought you were LOL. The little play argument we had with the DOPE vest ! Man, I wanted that so bad but I didn't get the chance to buy it or even save up for it.. ): I'm not as rich as you :P Moments during rehearsals we'd bitch about people..well specific people. I didn't really expect you to actually ask me to catch bus with you and Andy to remix. I thought I was going to bus alone, that's why I bought a book along with me. Since you asked me while I was shopping for food, it gave me an idea. I thought I'd buy you a gift for everything you've done (: Did you like the chocolate? Of course you did. It's your favorite :P I bought two for a reason though. I bought 1 as to say Good bye and Good luck and another to say Thank you (: I thank you because at times when I was down, you'd tell me to stay strong and keep dancing. Kept me motivated. I'm really going to miss those eye contacts we make during lunch.. I left straight after I gave you my gift because I didn't want to cry again ... Although I'm getting them water works right now as I type this. I'm going to miss you and the rehearsals ... Thank you for accepting me as a friend and understanding me. Remember how we wanted to name our first daughter Athena? That was so awkward ! I only wanted to name her Athena because of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, I don't know about you LOL I was honestly going to name my son Aiden but when we had our rough times, I changed my mind ae :L But if I do get a second son, I will probably name him after you. That's how much you mean to me. Even though it hasn't even been a year since we've known. Don't worry, I'll tell him why his name is Aiden though :P He was named after an amazing dancer, an amazing leader, a true leader and a true, amazing friend <3 I'm going to miss you so much! I hope I'll see you next year ae! You better come back and help us (:  Better invite me to your wedding one day too LOLOLOL ! Thank you Aiden (': Good luck with the exams in the upcoming weeks and especially for the future ! (:

Love Sincerely Yours, Anne x 

Remix Night

Remix night was intense. Honestly, watching it from last year is not as intense as being part of it. So many performances and schools attended. As soon as the first school performed, I knew we couldn't compete to how good it was. Schools went by one after another and some were better and some just killed the audiences vibes. Even mine LOL. When it came to Corinda, lining up at the steps, I was hyperventilating. I wasn't nervous but the crowd. I was scared what everyone would think about Corinda. I was scared that we were one of the school that would bring down the vibe. When we went on stage, I took the deepest breath and the adrenaline just rushed through my veins and nerves. I gave it my all out there. Facials and all the energy I had. I got tired through halfway of the dance like I just ran 200 meters in a race. But hearing the crowd cheer? That was the best part. Most of the crowd cheered so much because they came for Corinda. Sad thing was that we had a short performance because we were told to keep it 3mins 30. It was originally 5 mins 30 but because so many schools came, they made it shorter. What pissed me off was that most schools went over the time limit and we were the only ones who stuck to the actual rule change. I heard some of the schools saying it was short and not as much dances but seriously, we were actually committed to the time. I got so pissed but I was too tired to say anything back. I hit my head when I vogue dropped and that was painful. I blanked out for like 3 seconds and continued with the dance. It was sad because it was good bye to the leaders and my 2 other friends from year 12. I'll miss Aiden the most because we bonded so much throughout the year. I went to buy his favorite chocolate earlier in the day.  Funky Monkey performed and OH MY GOD! they were so good! But A.O.B was so much better! I went crazy! After the school who one the whole thing, I left because I didn't want to cry. Not because we didnt place but because my leaders and friends were leaving. I didnt want to have ruined my make up since I was going to eat after with Dom, Huyie, Lan and Tan feat his friends. I talked to Lan when I went out and met the girl he was with. Pamar ? I dont know if thats her name or somewhat close but I met her at Tan's birthday. She seems pretty nice (: Wnt to eat sushi and I was just hypo ! ahaha, but it was a good as night. I remember every passing hour I would just hyperventilate and freak out. I can't wait til next year though (:
I'm going to try for leader because then it'll be a step closer to my dream (: