Ready To Leave ?

The year is almost over and my plans for my future are pretty much all set. But, I think all of it wouldn't matter anymore.
Originally, I was meant to go job hunting very soon. I redid my resume and had it emailed to my friend for him to print out at least 25+. Yeah, that's how bad I wanted a job for the upcoming year. Then I was meant to visit my family down in Melbourne around Feb 10th for about a week, However, that all changed when my sister decided to convince me in moving down there forever. She's said some things that got me thinking. I've been thinking about it and I'm still so unsure. I don't know if I'm ready to leave Brisbane and all the history I had with it. But then again, I am starting to get sick of the way people think around here. At first, I stood up for us whenever someone talked bad about us Brisbane people, but after my recent break up, not one person had come to me and asked for MY side of the story and immediately assumed I'm the bad one because of my past which had NOTHING to do with them and they can clearly see that I'm trying so bloody hard to change the way they see me. I'm more mature and simple minded. I've tried to put it out there that I was the person who tried really hard in the relationship and the people I turned to, I thought would understand the way I acted because I was so fed up with the relationship. What I had to go through and they knew Henry was a handful. But nope, I was still the bad one. So that's one reason I wouldn't want to stay in Brisbane, but I'm thinking more of my friends around my age group. I've been through a lot with some people and I want to be here for them in return but if I moved, contacting me over social media would most likely cause us to drift because I might be busy helping with family if I moved. So I don't know... Should I move or nah?

Formal & Graduation: Late Post

18th November, Tuesday 2014: Formal Day

I remember on this day, I was in a big rush to get everything organized. It was even harder to be prepared because my mum and dad came up to Brisbane for the week to watch their eldest daughter dress up formally and graduate. I remember getting my nails done by my Aunty. To be honest, I had so much time but for some reason I felt rushed.. Maybe because I tried not to make it all about me and wanted to spend more time with my parents since they were only here for a week. Even so, all the year 12's did not show up to school because, well..they needed to get ready :D I headed over to my parents house, only to find out that they went to go eat lunch at Sunnybank without me T^T.. So I waited about 10-15 minutes that day? While I was waiting, I remembered that I was stressed out because my friends and I didn't have a ride to the formal after party. At first we did, but Mikayla (my main white bae) had gotten into a heated conversation with her mum and I guess she couldn't take us because of that reason. So I remembered texting all these people I knew that could drive us but all didn't want to because of how far it was. (It was all the way in Ipswich). Eventually, it concluded to me having to ask my best friend, Aiden. I knew he didn't like giving late night rides but I thought "Might as well give it a shot" Surprisingly, he agreed to take us and I thank him a bunch for that favour. When my parents and sister, plus her boyfriend got home, I just chilled with the old farts til around 2:30. It was actually quite nice to bond with mum again and especially when I was told so many stories about my dad. When 2:30 pm rolled by, I was putting on my make-up. (Yes I did my own make up. Saved so much money and I admit I'm good at applying make-up so why not?) I was sitting on the floor, in front of my mums big closet mirror and behind me, I got glimpse of my parents taking photos together and took silly videos together. My mum was being so childish and my dad was "trying" to be mature but he couldn't hold in his laugh. They act like two teenagers to be honest and I almost teared up by seeing how happy they were, after never talking to each other since I was 3. Anyway, I even did my own hair and I actually needed help getting into my dress. It was a perfect fit but the bust was quite tight, only because I was wearin a bra. I wasn't meant to but I felt more comfortable wearing one. My sister and my mum had to help me and I literally thought that my formal was ruined because the zip wouldn't move up any further but we managed (phew). I had a tiara in my hair so I guess I looked like a simple, yet elegant princess. We drove to Oxley where one of the girl's in Lily's group was holding the Pre-Formal photos. My family was so awkward to be honest but my dad was embarrassing, yet I found it funny cause he was just being him. We took a couple of photos and then Lily's dad took us to The Greek Club. We got lost for a few minutes but we found our way there. Walking in and seeing so many people who looked absolutely gorgeous and handsome in their formal suits and dressed. It was unexpected and I could barely recognize people cause they looked so different. Not going into detail but I guess the food was okay, It could have been better. I danced in my dress better than I thought. We took photos and danced so much. My feet were killing me and at the last dance, I just took my heels off because I was just done. After the last dance, everyone was just excited for the after party. We got back to Mikaylas and Aiden was waiting for us and it was so funny because Aiden went the wrong way so we had to go back and start from Oxley. We stopped to get maccas and didn't get to the after party til like 1 am. Aiden decided to stay and honestly, I didn't like the party because everyone was being so stingy with the drinks and everyone was all over the place. KD entertainment once again, disappointed because they left at 3 am. I told the person who was holding the after party to hire someone else because I KNEW they would so something to disappoint. All in all, it was still good. I went out the next day without any sleep lol.

21st November 2014; Graduation

Graduation day was a hot day. Nothing exciting to be honest. Just sat in the hot old hall and listened to speeches. Many people cried. I only cried a bit. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would but the reason is that maybe because I wasn't there long enough and I felt as if I was going to see everyone more because of parties. I only missed crew. Oh there were confetti! It was awesome haha Scared the shit out of me cause I was sitting right in front of one. After graduation, people headed off to schoolies and I regret not going myself. I was meant to one day but that day happened to storm like a motherfucker. So didn't end up going AT ALL. Which was so sad because everyone expected me there. FML thinking about it makes me sad lol. But I went to heaps of parties and gatherings with people and hung out with my age group more. I saw that I missed out a lot. It's actually fun hanging with good people and good drinks. Positive vibes all around.

I guess that's all. There wasn't much to talk about Graduation but formal was awesome :) Wish I could relive everything again. Just because :P 

Almost Over

So tomorrow will officially be the very last of normal school and honestly, it hasn't hit me yet. I guess because I believe I'll still see my friends on Exam Block week since some of us still has some other task to finish off. I know for a fact that I'd cry during crew. A few days ago, we had competed in this year's Remix. Unfortunately, we didn't place. It's really rare for a school to place in The Remix though so it was okay. Besides from that, I think my crew did better than last year. Honestly, this year's dance crew is more like a family than last year. I can sit and tell you reasons why I love this crew so much but it still wouldn't be enough. I had recently just finished a crew video that I had put together and I think everyone will cry once they watch it. It had every moment from the day we rehearsed to the night of our competition. House of Champions and The Remix. Dance is the ONLY thing that can help me forget everything. The only thing that can clear my mind. Make me feel like there isn't any shitload of crap weighing me down. If dance was a person, I'd marry it :P

Been keeping myself occupied for the last few days. I want to keep myself productive everyday to boost up my effort in focusing on anything. I don't want to be lazy or feel unmotivated. I want to have a routine and be able to stick to that routine til the day I become successful with my life goal. I've finally decided what I want to do in the future. This time, I really want to stick to it. I'm going to give up the pastry chef dream but still cook and bake as a hobby. I'm going to be a Dance Teacher. I've gave it a lot of thought and honestly, I couldn't imagine myself giving up dance. The love I have for dance, I want to show the younger generations. I want them to feel what I feel and love dance as much as I do. I want to focus on myself from now on. Nothing else. Not even my relationship because honestly, it's going nowhere.

1 Week Left ?!

I never realized how fast things are going. Just last week my friends and I were talking about how we only have 10 days of school left, not including block exams week. But at the time, 10 days seemed a lot to me but then just yesterday, all the teachers were telling us to start finishing off unfinished works and assessments because we only have a week left. When they put it like that, it blows my mind on how short it is. I just finished my AVL and IDMT that apparently is very important to our education. Now all that's left is my English oral which I will be presenting today and my hospitality assignments which is due this Friday. Then along the way of this week, I'll be finishing off my Maths Prevocational booklet and last Maths Prevocational assignment which is the most easiest thing ever lol. After that, I have nothing else to do but pay my last amount of fees and do some formal shopping. I have my dress already from like months and months ago. It's really simple but yet elegant at the same time :) I'll share photos on the day when the photos will be posted :) I just really need heels and some jewelry. My hair and make up ? My sister will be doing them for me so I don't need to waste so much money to get it professionally done.

But wow...1 more week. Thinking back, so much has happened, so much has changed. Damn, I've been through a lot :'L Well that's just apart of growing up isn't it? Almost 18 as well in like 4 more months :O Oh my goodness haha I'll be wrecked for sure :'L Something to look forward to! Really scared and well, everything is going to hit me all at once and I can't be prepared for it because no matter how hard I try, I won't know how much it'll hurt to part ways and except the fact that I won't be in high school anymore and won't see my lovelies anymore :')

Remix, Graduation ?!

This month has gone so fast. As soon as it hit October, all the teachers literally shoved all these assignments in our faces. Look teachers, we only have 3-4 more weeks left of school, don't try to shove all these assignments in our faces and say it's due in 3-4 weeks and blackmail us that if we don't finish, we won't graduate or go to formal. 

Speaking of 3-4 weeks left, next week is Remix. Remix is also a dance competition between schools but it more laid back. It gives out a more fun and friendly atmosphere rather than judgmental competitive aura. Crew has just finished the whole entire set. All we need to do now is polish, polish, polish. Honestly, it has hit me so many times that this will be my last ever chance to be with my crew family. Even though I've only been in this crew for 2 years, I feel like I've been with them forever. And even though I've been at Corinda for only 2 years, I feel like I've been there forever. The friends that I have? I am so grateful to them. When I was back in Woodcrest, I was stuck with 2 fat bitches that got jealous every time I'd hang with other groups, yet they talk behind my back when I'm with them. They'd think just because I don't sit with them, I hated them. I was honestly trapped in Woodcrest. But the thing is, I love Woodcrest. I loved our rules, our uniform policy but the people there were terrible. If only the friends I made at Corinda could be with me in Woodcrest. Anyways, back to Remix. Every time I think about the moments I'll have making my way to Southbank and meeting up with everyone. Think about the moment we'll be rehearsing all day. Think about us getting ready and then think about the feeling I'll have standing next to the stage, waiting for Corinda to be called on stage. I get excited and I can't believe that it's so soon. But then I think about after we're done. I think about what will happen from then. Then it hits me. It hits me hard that I will never see the people I see every rehearsal again. I won't have another crew that we'll just sit in a circle and have the funniest conversations, and deep conversation. Thinking about every single of my family in crew breaks my heart because I'll never have those moments with them again. And I love them to bits. No matter how much they annoy me sometimes, but I have the most funniest and most amazing times is when I'm with them. It breaks my heart that I won't be dancing as much from now on... I am literally crying right now. 

Same goes with graduation. Soon, so very very soon, I'll graduate and share my last moments with my friends. I know I'll cry for sure on our last day together. I'm crying right now just thinking about it haha. But I love my friends. Despite them sometimes being annoying or frustrating. I couldn't ask for better friends. And I know that some people would say, "Why not just hang with them after high school?" or "You'll see them again cause you'll keep in touch and hang". Yeah, but it won't last forever. Eventually, we, as an individual, we'll have our own lives to think about. We'll meet new friends and our contact with our old friends will eventually stop. We'll all be going from the bestest friends in high school, to just, "hi/bye/how are you" friends once stepped into the real world. Apart of me doesn't want to leave high school, but the other part of me wants to because of obvious reasons. I don't want to do the school work and wake up early but I want to spend more time with my friends. I'm going to miss them so much. My girls, Lily, Quiny, Jennifer and Mikayla. I am so grateful for these girlies of mine. They're the bestest friends I could ever ask for :') And I'm going to miss them so so much, and it hurts to even think about how we'll never play cards at school, our intense games, our dance rehearsals, have classes together and just having the time of our lives together. It hurts to think about it but I need to face reality soon that our contact will be lost no matter how hard we try to keep in contact. I'm looking forward to growing up but at the same time, I just want to stay the way I am with the people I love.  

Them.

Honestly, I don't know how long this is going to last. I don't know how long it's going to take me to stop caring. I don't want to turn bitch towards them. I don't want to cut all ties. I don't want to move into the state where I'm as cold as ice, where I don't give two fucks about what they're doing, I don't want to feel this hatred building up inside of me for them, I don't want to throw them out of my life like they meant nothing at all. But so far, I'm constantly being pushed to that side of me. Being pushed by "her".  I don't know how many times I've asked to come together only to be shut down. I don't know how many tries it's going to take me even when I say I'm done. But it's not like I can help it. I feel like something is missing and not just a little something, but a big something. -LOL cinema ad reference-  I feel like I have more fun with more people than just one person. If it wasn't for this relationship, I wouldn't know what fun was until I'd spend late nights doing nothing but chilling and creating new memories, with conversations that when from casual, to funny to deep and very meaningful. I wouldn't know how to express and love myself with confidence. I wouldn't know what it was like to care so much for only one person. I wouldn't know the strength of a bond between friends. A bond strong enough to call them "Family". And not just referring them as family but actually meaning it and being like one. Supporting each other, caring for one another, joking around with each other, and no matter what, always being there for each other. Even though I say "no matter what", there are times when I just gave up but got back up again because of the family bond we all had for each other. Being with them was my get-away. I didn't have to be compared to, or be judged for being myself. Showing all different sides of me and they'd understand, laugh, loved and supported.

I'd never wanted anyone to be proud of me they way I wanted them to be proud of me. I wanted to let them see me perform on stage, let them see me graduate, let them see me grow from my old self to someone who's mature but still getting there. I wanted them to be proud of me like a family would be of their sibling or child. I want this because I never got the attention I needed from my actual family. I was always being looked down at because my sister was perfection. She was perfection the day she was born, unlike me, I'm still perfecting. I'm lucky enough to have gotten boyfriends who loved me and saw me and chose me over her. But that meant nothing when it came to Asian families. Everyday she perfects and everyday I try to catch up but no matter what I do, I'm always going to be behind her. That's why when I started dating Henry, all of them were my family. Because they never once looked down at me but instead helped me getting on their level. They never made me feel like I needed to be better. They never made me feel like I needed to catch up. But it seems like that's all changed. Nowadays, the only thing their life is revolved around is "her". Every time when they're asked about how they're doing, nothing but "her" or work. I want to so badly tell them everything but I KNOW exactly what they're going to say and what they're going to do. They're going to look at me and tell me things like they would tell a child. They will make it seem like I'm not old enough to understand. They'll make me understand their point of view -which I do- and act as if they understand my point of view. They probably will understand but they'll push it aside to have it their way. I've been enduring and enduring. I don't want to make a reckless move and end up with nothing. They've been using excuses and lies to avoid hangouts. I've been lied to my whole life. I don't need it from any body else. Especially the ones I call my family.

DONE.

- No names will be mentioned - 

I honestly hate myself. Like I can be nothing more than disappointed in myself and the hatred I have for myself when I realized what a fool I've been for the past few days. But even though I know how foolish I am, how stupid I am, how much I know that I'm going to regret, I still manage to give it one more try. Still fucking manage to think about them. Think about all of us.

Yesterday, we were told that he was depressed. We wanted to just chill and we bought slushies. We chilled outside and he decided to join us and he was perfectly fine. Although it was written all over his face that he wasn't okay but we'd let it go cause we know he doesn't want to worry us, We all chilled but it was obvious that my lover and I were being left out on something. They told my lover to go home and they'll play Combat Arms together. Got home and he played for an hour or so. Few minutes later, they were all playing but it was a silent game. Didn't last very long. Friend texts my lover to keep asking him to play together with my lover because he was depressed. We were merely just people that they didn't want to be with.

So another friend knows exactly why this other friend was depressed. He tells me that he doesn't want to worry his friends, but there he was bothering all of us besides myself and my lover. He says he's feeling depressed so let's drink to our other friend. Other friend asks what's wrong. He says, "Nothing. Don't worry about it". HOW CAN PEOPLE JUST DO THAT ?! How can someone just tell another person that they're feeling depressed and when they've got the other person worried, they merely just say, "forget about it". I just can't handle this any more. I can't handle having to be the ones to try and try and we get nothing but, "now is not a good time". It seems as if every single fucking day is a never a good time. My lover and I are merely nothing but outsiders now. Tonight is Riverfire. I don't know how this all go, but I know that I'm going to just explode if something happens. If the same thing happens again, I think I'm going to just burst.

I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind when it comes down to telling how I feel. If they're going to simply use more excuses, then I am done. It's not like I want to break all ties with them but if that's going to be the case then whatever. I don't care if they can't escort me to my formal. I don't care if we've been family for the past year or so, I'm just done. If this is what it means to be family where some of us going to be left out, where our opinions don't matter, then I don't want any part of it. Just done.

Not going to be surprised if this happened. 

1st Week of Holidays: So Much Has Changed

1st week of holidays is almost coming to an end and I haven't been doing much. I've been watching anime...A LOT of anime. Most of the big anime series I've been watching had gone on break. Their producers are planning to continue next year so now, I'm surviving on small, short anime series. I'm not picky but I'm just trying to look for them good love, romance ones, that hit me straight to the feels like Clannad/ Clannad After Story or Kaichou Maid Sama or Tonari No Kaibutsu-kun. There was one thing I did all week was rehearsals for crew. Man, it was so tiring! We haven't practiced so hard so I guess it's only normal that my body aches all over. Mostly my arms, because we spent all day learning more to the choreography, not one choreography but 2 or 3 others. But first, we went through what we learnt and cleaned up every move that needed to have more energy, more extention to it. I guess we didn't do any serious stretching but still, my arms, to my ribs, to my inner thighs and the core of my stomach is the most painful. It's so hard to get up. After trying to use my arms for things and the pain hits, I realize how much I relied on my arms LOL. I can't even stretch my arms up high without this pain that feels like I'm about to be torn.

I don't know. At times like this, I wish I was rich. Like super rich so I can spend most of my time shopping, catching up on trends or what not. I just want to dress up and go somewhere fun. It's hard to hang with the mains now. So much has changed after "she" came into the picture. I don't want to hate. That's the last thing I want to do but nowadays, it feels impossible to have us all together and just chill like old days. It seems that we can never all get together and catch up without "her" having some kind of drama going on in her life. It used to be chill nights til late but now it's chill nights that end at 9 or 10 p.m. Sometimes though...it'd be the 3 of them. It sometimes seem that they do things without inviting the rest of us. I'm not saying that we always have to be together but it's sad that whenever I wanted to chill or do something altogether, they'd have some kind of excuse to not be able to attend or they do attend but still, there's an excuse to why it has to end early. But when it comes to social media, there they are out with this person til late. I don't know how many times I've said I'd never invite them to anywhere I want to go but somehow, I end up suggesting again. It didn't even mattered to them if I told them my true feelings about all this because it'd be nothing but more excuses and comments to stick up for this person.

Thinking about it now actually gets me depressed because so much has changed. I feel like we're all distanced. And it doesn't help when we do catch up on weekends, it's the same thing over and over again and there's nothing to really catch up on. It's the same thing that you'd even know the answer when you ask, "How have you been nowadays?" and some reason, conversations hasn't changed as well. Even though they haven't changed, I can feel that everyone's growing tired of talking about the same thing. I don't know how this is going to keep up, but I know that some time soon, we'd just go from the bestest of friends to just "hi" and "bye" friends.

Too Many Things To Look Forward To

I guess I'll start with this week...BEING THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL haha ! It's Wednesday and tomorrow is the last day. I'm not going on Friday because it's sports day. I would go if my friend's ankle has healed but I doubt since it's still bruised and swollen, so sleeping in it is !! After that, it's term holidays, YAY ^^ There are other things to look forward to as well such as;

1. 16th October is Dance Night
2. 17th October is Market Day at school and my group is doing Toffee Apples :D
3. 18th October is the Neon Run that me and my friends will be doing 
4. 25th October is Aiden's 18th birthday. Honestly, I love him. He's the only one who I really consider my brother. Even though we don't talk 24/7, we still have each other to turn to when we hit rock bottom.
5. 1st November is Remix and crew, oh my gosh, our dance is just amazing and mad ! I can't wait to show everyone our dance that night. I really do hope we'll win
6. 18th November is formal ! <3 Can't wait to strut in with my dress and my girlfriends. My formal date is Johnny. We agreed to be formal partners last year haha so yay ! 
7. 21st November is Graduation. GRADUATION ! 12 years of my life, filled with happiness, sadness, confusion and changes. Definitely going to miss high school.
8. 21st November is also the day that The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay part 1 releases ! My friends and I plan to go after graduation. A celebration part 1 that we've graduated
9. 22nd November is the day that Henry had given me permission to let me hold a girls night at the house, where we drink, eat and chill, little party to celebrate our graduated life part 2.
10. 25th December is obviously Christmas. Can't wait to see what's planned for this day
11. 31st is New Year's Eve and I have a feeling that we'll be drinking til New Year's 
12. Somewhere between October and November, my birth dad will come up and visit me again for formal, graduation and remix
13. 24th January is Henry's 20th birthday. Can't believe he's turning 20 :') 
14. 7th February is my birthday ! I'll be turning 18 :3 Clubbing !
15. 14th February is Valentine's Day. The best day ~  
16. 23rd and 26th are my friend's birthday, so can't wait to see them again after graduation and all
17. March and April are my other 2 friend's brithdays, so can't wait to see what they'll be planning for their 18th
18. Around February though, I'll be visiting my dad, my mum, my sister and her boyfriend in Melbourne. I know around the end of this year, they'll all be leaving to live down in Melbourne, so it'll be hard to say goodbye 
19. Then I'll be doing Tafe :3
20. Hopefully I'll have a job too 

There are so many things to look forward to and thinking about it just get's me all excited :3 Can't wait ~

Realized.

I realized something awhile back, but I never really thought much into it. But I guess I gave it some thought and it made me feel like it didn't matter if my relationship ended.

For my last relationship, I had cheated and I regretted it. I was only lucky enough that he had given me another chance to prove how much I regretted. I spent the next few months, taking 2 buses after school from Springfield to Forest Lake to see him for only 2 hours, then take another 2 bus and walk back home. On Saturdays, I would wake up early and spend the entire day with him, from 9 til 5 pm. On Thursdays I would spend my afternoon with him til 10pm. But having to repeat that for a few months, I realized that I was only trying so hard to prove to someone that they can trust me again. I went out of my way to do so. And at times when there were arguments, I was the one to go chasing after them even though I was blinded by the thought of being lonely to see that they did this to take advantage of feeling the satisfaction of being wanted. So once I had moved to Year 11, I thought enough was enough and for once I didn't go chasing after him when he ended it with me.

I had a guy that I liked during year 11 and once, he had told me that he's heard rumors of me and people telling him not to fall for me because of my past. He had his doubts and second thoughts but I found myself trying to prove to him that he can trust me despite my past. But a complication occurred and once again, I was the bad one. I was being used, indirectly, and he had portrayed my image that I took a while to hide away from people, back up again. And then, my ex relationship then also had made me look even worse when he had told people we were seeing each other when I had never agreed to. And so once again, I was back to square 1. Trying hide who I once were back then and try to prove to everyone that I'm not who I used to be and at times, when I try to change, people over look that and still try to find the old me to judge.

Now my current relationship. A relationship where I believe that I'm the only one looking forward and he's clinging onto MY past. Not trusting me even though I should be the one not trusting him. But I stopped complaining and foolishly repeated myself. Ended up trying to prove that I was a different person. Trying to prove that I had learnt my mistakes and understood what it was like to be the other person. However, I had realized. Realized that I end up trying to PROVE myself. And that is the ONLY reason I try. I wasn't trying to make any relationship work. I was only trying to prove myself, trying to prove to them that I can be trusted again. But they never saw that. When arguments occurred, they said they were trying too. But I didn't realized at the time that what they're trying for was completely different to my reason of trying. And no wonder I have been so sick and tired all the time of trying.

I gave a lot thought into it this when I realized. I wanted to stop trying. I didn't want to try. I wanted to stop trying to prove to them that my past is my past, and I have learnt from my mistakes, and I know my consequences if I were to repeat my mistakes again. I wanted them to understand this but they wouldn't if I were to confront them about it. They'd only see it as a foolish thought. They'd see it as a dramatic phrase. And I know that they won't understand because well, I was never the type to cling onto their past and use it for arguments, knowing that I can't do anything about it but still wanting to break their hearts and cause them to try harder. They'd never understand this. That is why, I'm not going to try.

Unloyal, No Commitments

People who doesn't take relationships seriously..

Now don't get me wrong but I was once one of those people who cheated in a relationship, but I was 13..I didn't know any better. But people who are older than me..people who are 17 and above obviously don't know any better themselves, but that's the thing...they should know because it's a mature thing, it's common sense.

-Just to put it out there, no names shall be mentioned in this particular blog- 

Okay, so I recently met this friend who goes to university. I knew this friend through a one of my very close friend, in fact this close friend is like family to me. Anyway, so after meeting this new friend, I thought that she was sweet and very funny. I took her in as one of my girl friends. After meeting her boyfriend and her group of friends, I thought, "well hey, new friends, more friends :)" Although I hardly knew her group of friends let alone herself, we still all got along very well. As time went by, my very close friend and my new friend were very close and I couldn't blame or judged them for being so close because they both go to the same university and at least 3 of their classes was the same. At parties they would hang together, take photos and what not but she was still close to her boyfriend. Every Friday night til Sunday morning was drinking night. We'd drink at my very close friends house, my boyfriends house, another close friend of mine's house or the new friend's house. It was usually drinks and chills, deep and meaningful conversations with music.

One night, we had a drinking night at one of my close friends house. The new friend had came over and that night was our first DNM. My close friend passed out early, I guess he had a lot to drink. He passed out on the couch outside and so all of us were in his room. We were talking and my boyfriend had told me that the new friend hooked up with my close friend and they went 2nd base. I was shocked of course because I remember a few days before all that had happened, I was just saying that my close friend would not do that and that he knew better BUT obviously I thought wrong, so yeah I was very disappointed. So after talking about what she was going to do, she had said since she was going to see her boyfriend the next day, she'd tell him but she was scared to. In the end, she never told her boyfriend. Which kind of sickened me because now their relationship is based on a lie, and is at high risk that it wouldn't work. I then find out TODAY, that she had also hooked up with my OTHER close friend. And the thing was that she had lead both my friend's on AND cheating on her boyfriend of 2-3 months? He is so sweet and it is so unfair to him. Yesterday we had a drink up at the OTHER close friend of mine's house and originally the new friend was meant to come over after work, but she had told us she couldn't because she was arguing with her boyfriend so we asked if she wanted us to bring the party to her house. She said no BUT it was the type of No that was like "No but seriously yes, come over" I then read her "argument" with her boyfriend because she told me how harsh he was to her and honestly, he was not being harsh. He was simply being honest on how he feels about her hanging out with us more than him. And he's cautious and scared that she's hanging with my close friend more than him when he's her boyfriend. She had portrayed her misunderstanding conversation to be an argument to us. She had also said that we're coming over even though she said no, to portray us as being ruse and disrespectful people. In the end he went to bed and we sat and chilled.

All of a sudden everyone had decided to go back to my other close friends house, where it was usually held and it was already 2 o'clock in the morning. I was dead tired but I maintained to stay awake. It was cold, she lived far away from where we all lived, I was tired, I was angry at the fact that I was tired and it was cold, I was also angry at the fact that she had lied to her boyfriend and made him think of me and my friends as people that should not be trusted. So off we went all the way back from fucking Sunnybank to Inala. That's like a 1 hour drive. So I was tried, angry, cold and needed to pee real bad.
Once we arrived, I didn't stay awake for long. I wouldn't say I fell asleep but I was like closing my eyes but I could still hear conversations and what not going on without me. I did however asked Henry if we could go to the other room so we could sleep because 1. I was tired and 2. it wasn't like he was socializing anyways. He was on his phone playing games the entire time from 7:00 pm when it started til around 4 or 5 am when it had stopped. But he didn't want to, so I just fell asleep next to his lap. I then did drifted to unconsciousness but I woke up realizing that the talking had stopped so I thought I could sleep in the spare room next door which however had been cleaned and tidied for me and Henry in the fucking first place. So when I awoke I asked can we go to the spare room now to Henry and he told me "in a minute" because my close friend and my new friend were having a serious conversation in there. I got a little pissed but I said "okay" and went back to closing my eyes and waiting to be awaken by the sound of the door opening to tell me we can have the room now. Apart of me knew that they're not giving up the room and the other part of me doubted they were having a "serious" talk. So because of how I was thinking and feeling, I was literally getting angrier and angrier. My chest was about to explode and all I wanted to do was get up, open the door and just tell them to get the fuck out because I couldn't sleep in my other close friend's room. He was snoring like a motherfucker and I was literally annoyed with that as well.

I then fell into a sleep and I didn't even know. I woke what seemed to be a long time and went to go pee, and I asked Henry, "can we go sleep in the other room now" and he said that I can but I would have to sleep with my new friend and I didn't want to. I wanted to sleep with him, I wanted to just fall asleep with him. And with the influence of alcohol, I broke into tears because I couldn't sleep in the spare room. Henry said he'll go talk to our close friend while I go pee. I went to the toilet, came out and Henry had told me that my new friend was knocked out on the bed and they couldn't move her. I was absolutely pissed. I wanted to burst into tears but then at the same time I wanted to punch something. So then I said " You know what? Let's go home" Off we went at like fucking 5 o'clock in the morning. In the car, I told Henry I was done. I was done with my new friend and my close friend. I was done with their shit. Henry had told me that my close friend wanted to break it off with my new friend because she was in a relationship and what they have was never going to work because she had made out with my other close friend. As we backed out of the driveway, I said that you can't just fall asleep after having a serious talk with someone. You must have done something and labelled it as "this would be the last time we do blah blah blah" and then fell asleep. Because if you were to have a serious talk, and were done with it, you would get up, get out of the room and resume on the drinking etc etc. NO, obviously they didn't do that. When we got home I told Henry that my new friend needed to make up her fucking mind on who she wants to be with. I told him that she needed to cut all ties with all 3 guys and figure out who she wants, because it was unfair to every single one of them. We were then talking and I broke into tears. I just broke down because of the amount of shit I was getting from my close friends and the amount of people walking all over me like I wasn't a human with feelings. I told him how most of the parties we go to, people always purposely pass out so they can take the bed when we had already said that it was ours. And the fact that they know I can't do anything because I hate being mean, they take it to their advantage. I was sick of that because not only am I being treated like shit, it's making me feel like shit and I didn't want that because I have enough of the because of my sister. I broke down and he told me that it was okay, comforting me and just cuddling me in his arms.

We fell asleep and I woke up. That's when I was reading Henry's messages with my close friend and they were talking about my new friend and my other close friend. I didn't quite understand until Henry had told me that my new friend had not only hooked up with my close friend, she had also hooked up with my other friend. I was like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT ?!" And from that point on, I can't look at any of them the same way because I honestly thought they all knew better than that. And I am convinced my new friend isn't going to tell her boyfriend, which is what making me angry. And apparently, even her boyfriend is hiding things from her but it seems to me that he had already told her what he was hiding and they talked about it so now they're all goods, but my new friend.....I fucking doubt she'd ever tell her boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprise if they don't last as long. And I also wouldn't be surprised if he hated her.

Sorry for Being Who I Am

Why is that when I cry about my problems, or something that breaks my heart, you care for me. You comfort me and you sooth me, making me feel so safe and thankful for having someone like you in my life. But when you're the one responsible for the tears, the pain, all of a sudden, me feeling hurt doesn't matter? Why is it that when you're the one who hurt me, you leave me to cry alone? You told me back then that when I push you away, it hurts you. It kills you. I stopped because I saw how much it hurt you when all you wanted was to hold me and comfort me..Despite my reasons to why I push people away, I grew to learn that sometimes, letting someone in can help with trust issues. Now, here you are, pushing me away when I just want to care for you, and stop the silence between us. You push me away countless times. I told you I didn't want to be in that position where I was going to keep trying and fighting for you. I didn't want to be at that edge of desperation. But you put me there. You left me there. You pushed me away, knowing that I was going to come crawling back and take the blame when you didn't want to admit that you were at the wrong. I told you what he did to me. I told you he kept leaving me over the smallest things, pushing me away because he knew I would go out of my way to come chasing after him, fighting for him, because that satisfied him. You didn't turn to see how much pain I was in. How much tears came flowing down my eyes uncontrollably. Because of that, I became so sensitive. You called me a "big sook" for crying over the smallest things. Well, did it ever occur to you that I didn't used to be this sensitive? Did it ever occur to you that me being the way I am now is because I just can't take it anymore? That I can't handle the pain, that I am just so fucking tired of laughing off something that killed me and making a joke of out of something that tore my heart to pieces. Ever thought that I'm just so fucking tired of smiling when deep inside, I'm screaming, raging, crying with agony. I'm losing my mind because of the unbearable pain that keeps on stabbing me continuously. But I can see how much I mean to you. The whole day, not a single apology came out of your mouth. Not a single fault that you admitted was yours. You have been waiting for me to crawl back and apologize for something YOU did. You're waiting for me to take FULL responsibility for the argument. And because I have decided not to, because you pushed me away when I tried to, you change everything. You change pictures of me that used to be displayed on your phone, your facebook. Just because this one time, I'm not going to pretend and admit your faults. Me selfish? No. The one being selfish is you. The man in the relationship is me. Not you. Because I have given 150%  of everything I have, to show you how much I love you. I tell you every single fucking day. Morning or night. I could even think that not single appreciation is given back.

You could never ever understand the pain I went through when I had to hold back so much tears when all I wanted to was scream and break down. You could NEVER understand that feeling. But what good is it for you to understand? Because all you would do is just turn the tables around and make it all about you.

I Don't Know. Guess I Just Died A Little Inside ...

I've recently discovered that in Combat Arms, Henry apparently has a "girlfriend". I don't believe this but I just don't know why Henry wouldn't tell me. Apparently, some girl from Sydney also plays CA and she changed her game name to "JenniiBrew" -not sure if it's how she spelt it but I'm guessing- because Henry's game name is "HenriiBrew". Everyone in the game thinks that they're dating and instead of denying and saying that he's already taken, he went along with it. It bothered me a little but I tried to get around it. Although it hurt, I try to joke about it here and there because we all know how Henry is if I were to confront my feelings. I later found out that they exchanged Facebook details and you know, added each other.
Now awhile ago, Henry has told me that he has a surprise for me for our 1 year so I would have to wait and apparently Lan and David Trinh knows so I though that they would talk about it over Facebook or text message. I told Henry I was trying to find some clues from his messages with Lan and that but I couldn't find any. He told me that he deletes his messages every now and then so...I don't know if I should be worried...Don't know if I should be assuming things but ... you know, you just can't help it /: So as usual, I "try" to act strong by just joking about it here and there.

A few moments ago, Henry was playing CA and I was watching him. Jokingly, I asked where his side bitch is? He replied casually, "She's sleeping. Duh why else would she not be on?" And at that moment... I died a little inside. I-I don't know...It was like a shooting pain right through my chest...  I joked it off and laughed. I said "You would know. So you do have a bitch on the side" -jokingly- and he said "So what if I do huh? What are you going to do?" -I assume he's saying it as a joke- and I stared at him for a few seconds and said, "I would leave you because you're cheating on me, again. Yes, again bro" -jokingly- Then he said in that joking way, "Oh oh I see how it is" And I laughed it off, again... I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. I sat there, staring at phone and not even paying attention to what was on my screen and thought about that same pain I felt when he first cheated and that desperation feeling of getting him back after he broke up with me out of anger. I felt those pain as if it just happened, and tears just started to appear. I tried to hide it with a yawn but at the same time, it hurt because I had to pretend. I thought about how I never want to be in that position again. I didn't want to ever feel that pain of being cheated on again, the position that I was in when I was fighting and trying so hard to get Henry back when he left me. Admitting that I was in the wrong and apologizing for things I didn't even do.


I thought, sitting there pretending to watch him play, how one day I wasn't going to be able to endure anymore. How I wouldn't be able to laugh it off and joke about it hear and there. It made me insecure because I wasn't the gamer girlfriend that every guy want nowadays. I felt that at this point, I was truly useless. I was so insecure that I just couldn't handle it so I came onto the mattress and decided to bog because I didn't want him to see tears running down my face.
I guess he just doesn't know that when he says things without thinking, it could hurt me so much that I can't even bare to handle it. Even if it's the smallest thing. But how can I help it? I too have been through a lot ... I just don't think I would be able to laugh it off, one day...

It's been awhile

Fairy Tail sad soundtracks have so many feels to them :'c I just wanted to share why I'm so addicted

                                              Gray <3 -The guy in the blue- He so hot ! 

Hey everyone! So it's been a long while since I blogged anything and I thought I might update what has been going on since I last blogged.

So I guess with the news of me living in Henry's house again. Yes, again. Well this time I got kicked out not like last tine where I was given a choice to stay or leave. I was basically, straight up kicked out. I guess this time I was shocked but at the same time I was mature about it. My mum changed. She went through 2 guys and I guess she took out her anger with her break up with her recent boyfriend on my sister and I and I guess we had enough of it and we just went out when we wanted, as long as we wanted because that way, we felt free. It was a way to escape all the negativity in that house. It's been I think 3 months now that I've been away from the house. My mum hasn't attempted to get me back. Oh and my sister also got kicked out, like a month after I got kicked out. My mum is very stubborn and I assume that she knew if she kicked her daughters out, she'd be lonely. But her stubborness consumed her. I feel guilty and bad that she's in the house alone but if I went back, it'd be the same thing every morning. Henry and I have grown to the point that there is nothing we could fight about. Every now and then we'd have our arguments but it would just like a few minutes. He's learnt to apologize to me and cheer me up. Me? I'm still doing what I always do. I go to him and hug him and apologize and he's stopped pushing me away. We've both learnt to tell each other when we're offended and delt with it. If I was to go back home, I'd hate to wish I was with Henry everyday and I'd hate the feeling of missing him, and the feeling of being unsafe without him but at the same time, I don't want my mum to be alone.

I've been watching Youtube make up gurus, if you know what I mean and honestly, I've been intimidated to make my own Youtube and do make up tutorials or hair tutorials. And I've decided that's what I'm going to do once I have enough money to buy myself a camera and upgrade my makeup and hair products. My grandma has given me money each month. Around $200 each month and I'm about to open up my own bank account so my birth dad could send me money. He's coming up this June because I have a special occasion coming up. It's crew. Since we won Bring It On 2013, I guess we've moved up to compete in House Of Champions. It's more, I guess you could say, intense? Because not only is it between schools but outside dance crews so I want him to come and watch me since it's been 13 years.

I'm still looking for jobs TT-TT it's so hard nowadays. And no, I am not working in Maccas. It's mainstream. I will only work in fast food places when I have no choices to and right now, there are a lot of openings right now. School has been a total, bleh. It's not very exciting anymore but I've become closer to Jennifer and now she's my bestfriend. I guess we're doing everything together. I've slept over her house countless times and her parents love me.
I've been watching tv series and even anime series. I've catched up to so many of them that I am left with nothing to do when I'm waiting for episodes to come out. I've catched up on Vampire Diaries, Modern Family, 2 Broke Girls and for anime I'm waiting for Fairy Tail 2014. There's only 4 episodes of Fairy Tail 2014. I even read the manga and now I'm waiting for the next chapter -382- TT.TT I NEED HELP omg. I even catched up on my Youtubers. So I constantly check youtube every now and then to see if any of them have uploaded anything. And damn, I get very impatient.

So, that's it for my life upgrade. Not much has happened. Not much parties to go to. Been a very typical, average Asian girl. Maybe I should blog more.

So Much Tears Were Shed

Last night, I cried so much and my heart ached so bad that I could feel how much it was stopping me from breathing Henry and I had an argument. I was feeling depressed and was at the urge of breaking down in the middle of my way home. I told him that I needed comfort but he said he had something important to do. In my last blog, I said that when I'm at this point, I say stupid things and the negativity just takes over me.

Eventually, we had this massive argument and when got home, I just laid in bed, cried and cried and eventually fell asleep. I woke up and only to find Lan text me if I was okay. But I was no mood to be telling. I just wanted to shut every one who were Henry's friends. I just wanted to shut everyone out. I wanted to be alone. Of course I was to crawl back and then we had broken into another argument. All I said was the complete truth of how I felt and what was going inside my mind. I had forgotten what would've happened when I opened up to him. He raged at me, and just left the conversation on a bad note. He said hurtful things to me before he left and all I could was defend myself and tell him what he always does. I then tell Lan and for once he disagreed with me. This I wasn't mad about but the fact that he wasn't alive when I had that break down so he didn't know how close I was to having that same break down earlier on my way home. He also said hurtful things and I was at this point where I thought "You know what? Why do I bother with these people?" So I told him that the next time I was hurt again, it was going to be over. He lectured me why and how I was over reacting but I know I wasn't. Boys. They can just never understand you. I was a fool to even think they could.

So after Lan's hurtful words, I broke down. I absolutely just cried and cried. People were talking to me on Twitter and Facebook but I replied with the fact that I was fine. As if nothing was going on. That made me cry even more. The fact that I now know how painful it is to pretend nothing is going on. Eventually I messaged him and said Goodnight etc. The usual routine. I later found his necklace he gave me which was hidden in my bear's hood. I was watching a movie and the way this couple was so happy, it made me happy with Henry. I fell asleep and only to wake up with hurtful replies from Henry. He said I was simply annoying. I just ignored it and simply replied with my usual Goodmorning routine. But then he just told me to shut up ... and I said I understand...

This has to be the most painful moment of my life. I just got home home from school and from time to time, people would mention Henry and I act like we're going well and that everything was normal. I could feel my heart being stabbed whenever I act as if what he said this morning wasn't a problem to me...
Truth is, that it killed me inside. Bit by bit today. And it still is...

Just A Girl With So Much Pain To Handle

Why is it that whenever I'm happy and actually loving how my life is going, it always tend to crash and burn right after? With all the smiles and happy vibes all around me, good times at school with friends and perfect phone calls with him.

This week has been going so perfect for me. I can not say how much fun I've had with friends at school. I would wake up keen to go to school and didn't even matter if it was just lunch that we could all be together and do random shit because I had other friends too. Eventually, all that ends as soon as I get the taste to just be happy and be positive, enjoying life. I feel lonely and empty and all I want to do is to just cry. Break down no matter where I am. All I want is to be comforted by him but there are too many other important things he rather did than to just come by and lend me his shoulder to cry on. Not once has he been there when I was at the urge of break down. Not once. I'm never trusting another guy who says that they'll be there at my lowest or will always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I know that not all guys are the same but I'd rather start to stop believing in everything they said and in the end, gets blown off as if they never said. One thing for sure was that I could talk. One thing I trust is that when a guy says they'll be there for me if I ever needed to talk.

Every time this happens, he always turn the table and make me the bad one. When I'm at the urge of break down, I need comfort from him asap before I start thinking negative and say the most stupid things. But no, I must be the bad one. I must be the one who hurt him and be the one to be crawling back, apologizing for something I didn't even do. I'm at the point where I can finally see that I don't need him. That I can't trust his words. That he doesn't deserve a single ounce of my effort that I put in every morning, during the day, at random times of the night. He doesn't deserve the paragraphs that I spend hours typing, telling him how "happy" he makes me feel and how grateful I am to have him in my life. He doesn't deserve my effort. It has come to the point where I'm used to being pushed away. Where I'm used to being ignored. Where I'm used to be the bad guy. Where I'm used to having to apologizing and taking the blame. Where my situation is being forgotten because who cares about me right? It's just Anne. She can handle all the pain you could ever give her, it's okay, go ahead and hurt her.

I can't wait til the day where I can look at him and feel completely nothing.

Sickness & Friend

For the last 4 days, I was sick. I've told you guys how I became sick. As my throat got better, my sickness got worse. Now, I'm dealing with a serious headache, blocked and runny nose, harsh coughing, burning eyes and constant sneezing. This may sound like over exaggeration, but trust me, it's exactly how it is right now.

Today, Henry came home early. He was rearranging his room and wow, just wow. There's somewhat a lot more space but with everything still in there. I started off my day without watching anymore anime. I decided to watch Dance Academy. I watched it before after school everyday on ABC3 but they kept changing the days it came on and the time due to new shows, so I gave up. With yesterday, it was on at 8:30 but Henry and I planned to watch the animation fixation (Futurama, Simpsons, Cleveland Show and Burger King)
When I saw that Dance Academy was on, I decided to watch all 3 series and start over from Episode 1, Series 1 ; so I can understand everything.

Oh, did I mention I got a friend back? Yeah, did part I never told you guys. Just a girlfriend and I had a situation and it was left unsolved and for some reason, it bothered me. We talked today and everything is on good terms except, she's going to be cautious; which I understand, because I would too if it were me. Anyways, I'm glad it got off my chest though. I'm glad we can have our old times back :3

So, enough blogging for tonight. Henry will flip if I don't get my rest - which I won't sleep after I'm tired of watching Dance Academy- but I did what he asked, to drink some tea. I got my cup of Lipton Tea - thank God we have heaps left, cough lollies Henry bought me and a roll of tissue for my runny/blocked nose. I don't even know how that works. My nose is blocked but surprisingly, boogers are coming out of it.

Goodnight all readers x. (:

Tears of Joy

Because my sister was out yesterday and didn't come home and so was my mum, I was left home alone. I couldn't sleep. Of course there would be strange noises when you're alone. So I forced myself to stay up until my mum came home at 3:00 am. I slept at 4:00 because everyone knows, 3:00 am is ... *whispers* demon hour ~~ 

Anywho, I still managed to wake up at 11:00 am and from then on, my day started off with anime and food. Being sick for 3 days now and all I can do is lay in bed. If I got up to walk to the kitchen, I'd get a stomach ache and that shit kills. I don't know why but if I had to get food, I had to get food fast. 

So I just want to let you all know, I've watched Vampire Knight and Vampire Knight: Guilty twice now. I know. I.am.obsessed. The fact that I know nothing will happen between Zero and Yuuki, I still fantasies at least kiss when appropriate. I honestly thought that there will be more after Vampire Knight: Guilty because the manga version ends at 93 and the anime, both put together has only 13 episode and together, it's only 26. I really hope that there was more to it. 

Skipping through my day -though there wasn't much but anime- it finally hit 5:00 pm 

Henry was home! I Facebook messaged him "Welcome Home" even  though I wasn't there to hug him and kiss him. After replying, he said he was going to take a shower. Now because he was on his phone, his Facebook chat had put the icon of an iPhone and it shows when he was online. I was listening to Violin Dubstep -the one above-  I didn't realize how long he was going for a shower. The last time I looked at his chat, it said he was online 54 minutes ago. I was thinking "Wow, that's a long shower" but then I remembered that he works with fiber glass and those things are so tiny, they get onto your skin, makes you itchy and it's hard to wash off. Even water won't wash off most of it. Then I remembered at the same time that the reason why he takes so long was maybe because he went downstairs to eat and since it was around 5, that's when his sister comes and pick Lily up and then she'd stay til 6-6:30 ; so I figured they were all having a talk while eating. 

Eventually I messaged him "That's a long shower ...." ; That was when I heard the front door open. Early in the morning - well when I woke up- I did tell him to come visit me if he could because of how sick I was and I just wanted to see him. I was fine if he couldn't come over because of work and I understand. When I heard the front door, I thought it was my sister, but then I thought "Nah, can't be her" because she went out tonight and she packed her make up, and everything in a bag ; meaning she wasn't coming home tonight. So I thought it was my mum, checking if the doors were locked properly until when I looked at the door that my mum left open. Henry was came in, armful of McDonald's. He bought 2 Big Mac meals, large, 2 10% bigger Cabury Dairy Milk Chocolate, 1 Bueno, 1 large caramel frappe and 1 Butter Menthol, Lemon and Honey. I..was ...so..happy. I honestly just squealed, and I couldn't believe it. He surprised me when all those times that I hoped he would and expected him to, and he never did, this was when I had no hope for it because of a reason and when I didn't expect it,

I was fighting back the tears. I was smiling so much. He came onto the bed and I was telling him the first day of my sickness. Even though I already told him over Skype, I wanted to tell him in full detail. I'll tell you guys my what happened at the very bottom. After that, we were laughing so much because he was tickling me, making feel sensitive with every touch of his and that made me laugh til I coughed LOL. I made him laugh with my cold hands and tickled him when I could. And then we just cuddled. When we were cuddling, all that went through my mind was; 

"He's here..He's really here.
I can't believe that he's here, hugging me right now
He's here...He's here
He did this, all for me. He's really here.."

Of course, all that effort to hold back the tears was a failure, I let those tears out and they flowed out of my eyes like they were escaping. He was making jokes to make me happy and he told me "I want to always make you this happy" But then as a joke, I told him if he were to make me cry from happiness with every thing he did, even just by kissing me, I wouldn't have any tears left when he proposes to me one day. :L Of course, I wouldn't know if we'll be together for that long, but I really do feel as if it was going to happen and I WANT to spend my life with him by his side til we grow old together, shed grey hairs together, having our bodies in the same coffin together and be buried deep under ground together. 

After the tears, there was more laughing, more jokes, more smiles, more hugs, more kisses. We then went outside to watch tv but then... that's when my stomach ache kicked in. I couldn't get up, I couldn't even walk to the tv without stopping every 10 seconds. We watched the animation fixation and we were obviously both tired. 10:00 pm struck and he had to go home. I walked him out and told him I couldn't wait til Friday, because I was going to sleep over through Sunday and go home Sunday night. He said he couldn't wait either. At that moment when we were kissing, I was truly happy and I couldn't believe how happy I was. But of course, it was painful to say Goodbye. I just hope Thursday and Friday morning goes fast and when I'm with him, everything just slows down. He's sleeping on Skype right now and after this, it's bed time for me too since mum is home and I feel safe. 

Monday, I woke up feeling more tired than usual. I felt worn out and drained. But I thought that was normal. After eating ham and crackers, I ate my sisters Gobstoppers. They were tiny ones. There were the colours she didn't like so I ate them. Because I knew my period was coming soon, I was prepared. My sister told me to dye her hair and I did. When she was mixing, I felt my period so I went to put on a pad. While dying my sisters hair, she was sectioning her hair for me after I was done with the previous sections. About the second last section, I felt dizzy, I felt faint. But I thought it was just the smell of the dye. All of a sudden, I was too shaky, too tensed, too weak. So I told my sister to finish it herself and I went to the toilet. I unzipped my shorts but then my body just pushed itself to the ground and I was leaning over the toilet bowl. It was as if, someone knew and pushed me; preparing me. I lent over and felt a vomit coming up but nothing came out but thick siliva. I was shocked obviously because I thought I was pregnant but it was impossible since my period came. So after the forceful gags my body was making, I vomited out orange foam. It was the last colour I ate from the Gobstoppers, then I vomited out clear thick water that was not my siliva. I got up and went into bed with the biggest stomach ache and I could feel how weak I was, how faint my face was and how painful it was. My stomach and bladder felt like it was being stabbed and grinded. I eventually fell asleep and woke up 20-30 minutes later. I felt better but when I moved, my stomach ache would come and go, come and go. Earlier that day though, it was really hot and I wasn't feeling well in the first place and mum told me to hang the clothes in that heat. It was so hot, I didn't bother pegging the clothes, or even the undies and bras, I left it in the undies and bras in the basket so it could dry in there because it was that hot, I wanted to get inside asap. When vomiting up weird stuff, my throat was sore and so dry but couldn't be cleansed with water. At 5, it blacked out because of the storm and after waiting 2 hours for the power to come on the streets, mum called my aunt and we went to her house. I Facebooked Henry what happened and my throat was killing me. Went home at 9 and mum set candles. I fell asleep because it wasn't that hot, it was cool and the candle was flickering so gently that it made me fall asleep. My sister came home and she fell asleep too. Henry, 1800REVERSE me and when we were about to hang up, the power came back on and that was at 11. Then we Skyped and fell asleep. 

From that day on, my throat is still a bit sore, my body is still weak, my stomach still aches when I move around too much, and I've been coughing. 

Weird... 

But I knew I always Loved Wednesdays, and now I have another reason why to Love it even more <3

Gold Coast

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately because I've been really sick, but surprisingly still have enough energy to be blogging. I'll start of by telling you about Gold Coast

4th Jan 2014, Saturday: Gold Coast

So I woke up around 9 - now that my sleeping pattern is fixed - I waited for Henry to wake up. I remember waking up with an uneasy feeling, like I was disappointed at myself and felt like crying. Henry woke up and asked if I wanted to go to the Gold Coast with his parents. At first I was unsure, but when I suddenly started crying, for no absolute reason, I decided to go and they came to pick me up.

During the car ride, I was telling Henry about the uneasy feeling I got and once we did some talking, he wanted to listen to music but I didn't bring my head phones, so we ended up talking about my past. He wanted to know EVERYTHING and I didn't have a problem with that. Eventually, I told him everything that happened in the past. Who I was with, who I liked, what I did wrong, my mistakes etc. Just everything. Even my deepest, darkest secret that not even my 2 ex, Anthony and Albert, nor friends, best friends, family knows. He forced it out of me, but he wasn't mad about it, he was more mad about the other person involved. He understood my foolishness and I was glad that he did. When I was finished, he offered his past. He asked what I wanted to know. Of course, I wanted to know his past with the girls he's been with. After hearing who's he liked, who he's had a thing with, basically everything, I was surprised I wasn't jealous or mad. But the one thing was his 18th. His 18th was celebrated in Vietnam and his dad took him to a place where you hire a girl to be your girlfriend for the day. I was somewhat jealous at that instead. He told me 100% truth that they didn't do anything but hold hands and she just fed him and talked about what it was like in Australia. He said she was cute. THAT is where I was jealous. He said she was cute but she was also dirty like since she works there, who knows what she has done. When we were on the Vietnam topic, he said he would never let me go alone. At first I was thinking "Well duh, as if I'll go alone" But what he meant was he would either ask my mum for him to come with me or ask my mum if I could stay back and live with him. Because everyone knows what guys are like in Vietnam. Basically rapist and creeps.

I told him I won't choose to stay back because I want to look after Sally too because most likely go for her than me. The whole car ride we were talking and talk and eventually we got to Surfer's Paradise. Since it was 41 degrees , it was somewhat still breezy. We ate at Coffee Club and just chatted. Then we split our ways because Henrys mum wanted to shop and since it was last minute, we decided to swim at 3:00 pm. Henry took me to timezone and OHMYGOD it was huge! It had nearly everything the Ekka has but rides. Everything was so cool and so spacey. We walked around and he was playing a racing game and he also tried to play this game where you cut the string with the prize you want. I wanted the Insta Polaroid. But after 2 tries, he failed. It didn't matter because it was $30 in the city :L He got me Fairy Floss too ! Oh man, at that moment, I felt as if we were at the theme park and he was spoiling me and we had so much fun. I was so happy

At 3, we went to buy myself bikinis and my goodness was it expensive. He spent $40 on a bikini. It wasn't that stylish either. It was just white with a black outline. Simple. We went down to the car park and we changed. His parents changed at the back of the car and we changed on the sides. It was so hot so I tied my hair up. With all the layer's sticking out, I felt like an anime girl. LOL. We got to the beach and it was freezing! Eventually Henry and his parent's went further out. I stood not close to shore but not too far and I just watched Henry. Standing there and watching him play in the waves. He was like a little boy. I was watching his parents and for their age, they still swam with him like he was still a kid. He'd come to me every so often and then he'd go out again. He was so cute. As a by stander, I watched his family and even though he's 18, I could see his parent's still treat him like a little boy. I saw it all in their eyes. They looked so happy and I was so happy to see him this happy with his parent's up to the point I got a little teary. At 5, we went to shore and I cleaned him up. We went to get dressed again and we went back up to walk around. Skrillex was there, omg! but that doesn't matter.

After going up to the shops again, the cute thing that I saw was when Henry's mum was putting on lip stick, his dad was fixing the smudges for her. I looked at them, and they were exactly like Henry and I - no, we were more like them. We ate pizza and Ice cream. His mum was feeding his dad like I was feeding Henry. I could see other people looking at us and it's like staring into the future. LOL. We went to the Spit after and just walked around and it was so windy. We took pictures on the rocks ; Well, Henry's dad suggested we take some pictures and then it was their turn. They did the exact same pose me and Henry did and when we went into the car to head back, they said they were sending it to Vietnam. Now for sure, they would look at the pictures and see the future me and Henry :L

In the car, we did some more talking and then we were sharing headphones. I wasn't tired but when I got to his house, we showered and we got kinky :$ BUT THATS NOT THE POINT! After, he went for a smoke, and when he was back, he climbed into bed and we just lied there talking some more. That day was the day I got to know him some more and he was finally starting to understand me. I fell asleep right after the conversations finished.

I was glad that I came that day and his parent's are for sure not the typical Asian parents I thought. They were like me and Henry.
Now Henry has work for 6-8 weeks and it's only been 2 days since we last saw each other. He told me that this was the time he got to think about life and he's starting to understand more about me. I'm so happy :') I can't wait til Friday comes so I can spend the weekend with him <3